Just wanted to get some feelings off of my chest.

[Aurora.]

Hi guys,

So I joined a few days ago but have been too nervous to join in with any discussions or talk about anything up until now. I feel like now would be a good time as I've got a lot on my mind and I'm hoping this helps as a kind of release of that.

Btw, I'm not expecting anyone to reply to this, or hey maybe no one will even read it but I think it would help my head feel a lot less crowded.

I guess my main reason for being reluctant to post on here is because compared to other people, my life and issues are nothing. In comparison mine are so minor that I feel so stupid and somewhat selfish for even talking about them, but I feel it's something I need to do.

So I've only recently turned 18, and I've always been told that these are crucial years for getting your life up and going, but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do so, if I could click my fingers and instantly ctb I would do so, because the thought of having to find my own way, and build my own future is absolutely terrifying to me, I don't want it at all.

Everything was going alright up until 2 years ago, my mum moved her new boyfriend into the house before I even got the chance to properly meet him, he was just some dude who my mum use to work with at her old job, and they unfortunately ended up crossing paths again years down the line.

I didn't think anything of it until I would hear him moaning about me to my mum, he would comment on the fact that I hadn't washed one of my plates up immediately after eating or that I ate something that he had his eye on, this started happening very regularly and got to the point where I would just sit in my room, with my ear against the door listening to him shout at my mum about how lazy I am, and that I never go outside and have no life, I was 15 at the time. I can't even really believe he had the audacity to say that since he had been jobless for about 3 years and was an avid coke user, but anyway that went on for a good 6 months ish, they would argue more and more regularly and it would always be about me, some minor thing I had done like put my washing into the basket instead of directly into the washing machine.

one of the worst experiences I had one night was when I woke up to my mum screaming and him yelling, my brother (who was staying with us at the time) rushed in there and found him strangling my mum, we don't know what his intentions were but my mum was adamant that he tried to kill her. She brought him back into the house the next day. I was in my room every night so fucking scared that he was going to do something to me, my mum always assured me that he would never touch me, and although he never did, I didn't believe her at the time. A few days passed by and she just acted like nothing ever happened.

Many other things happened too, such as I was completely banned from eating any of their food, or using their toilet roll, I had no source of income at that time since I was studying really hard for my upcoming GCSE exams (I think in the US they're called finals) and had to ask my dad to send me money for food which I hid in my cupboard, but when I would leave for school they'd take whatever they wanted.

Typing all this I feel so so so fucking stupid because others suffer physical and mental abuse in their household and this just feels meaningless compared to that, I cannot even begin to imagine how they must have felt.

Im going to end this off by saying that the thing that hurt me most was between everything that went on, my mum would sit in my room and tell me that it would always be me she chose, over any man, she said that no matter what happened this family would always be together.
Long story short she changed the house locks, won't let me get any of my belongings and now I've been sleeping on my sisters sofa for the last year.
I ended up failing all my exams (which was my fault anyway since I wasn't focused at all) I joined a traineeship/college, got a part time job and it was going well until covid hit and we went into lockdown.

I want it all to just go away and never have to deal with anything ever again, I don't want a happy sunset ending, I can't help but just dwell on the past and feel so hurt and betrayed by my mum, the one person who I thought would be there for me whenever I needed her and she chose a fucking junkie over her family (no one talks to her anymore)
I don't even know how I want to go, I just want to be gone but the thought of doing that to the two people who stuck by my side throughout this whole thing makes me feel sick, I would feel as id have just done the same as my mum and left everyone to get on with their lives.

if anyone read down this far then thankyou so much, it really means a lot that SS has even given me, and others this opportunity to vent in an environment where we feel safe and comfortable.

 

[SoIntoYou]

I don't normally get this upset, but this hits close to home because my mom and I are very close. She married a guy when I was a teenager and he hated me. However unlike your mom, when he put his hands on my throat, she kicked him out of the house permanently. This is a fucking horror story - one of the worst I've heard. Your mom is slut who is probably a junkie who sold her child out for drugs. What's worse is that she told you she loved you and then gave up on you. Fuck, this is going to take a while to get over.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Hi guys,

So I joined a few days ago but have been too nervous to join in with any discussions or talk about anything up until now. I feel like now would be a good time as I've got a lot on my mind and I'm hoping this helps as a kind of release of that.

Btw, I'm not expecting anyone to reply to this, or hey maybe no one will even read it but I think it would help my head feel a lot less crowded.

I guess my main reason for being reluctant to post on here is because compared to other people, my life and issues are nothing. In comparison mine are so minor that I feel so stupid and somewhat selfish for even talking about them, but I feel it's something I need to do.

So I've only recently turned 18, and I've always been told that these are crucial years for getting your life up and going, but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do so, if I could click my fingers and instantly ctb I would do so, because the thought of having to find my own way, and build my own future is absolutely terrifying to me, I don't want it at all.

Everything was going alright up until 2 years ago, my mum moved her new boyfriend into the house before I even got the chance to properly meet him, he was just some dude who my mum use to work with at her old job, and they unfortunately ended up crossing paths again years down the line.

I didn't think anything of it until I would hear him moaning about me to my mum, he would comment on the fact that I hadn't washed one of my plates up immediately after eating or that I ate something that he had his eye on, this started happening very regularly and got to the point where I would just sit in my room, with my ear against the door listening to him shout at my mum about how lazy I am, and that I never go outside and have no life, I was 15 at the time. I can't even really believe he had the audacity to say that since he had been jobless for about 3 years and was an avid coke user, but anyway that went on for a good 6 months ish, they would argue more and more regularly and it would always be about me, some minor thing I had done like put my washing into the basket instead of directly into the washing machine.

one of the worst experiences I had one night was when I woke up to my mum screaming and him yelling, my brother (who was staying with us at the time) rushed in there and found him strangling my mum, we don't know what his intentions were but my mum was adamant that he tried to kill her. She brought him back into the house the next day. I was in my room every night so fucking scared that he was going to do something to me, my mum always assured me that he would never touch me, and although he never did, I didn't believe her at the time. A few days passed by and she just acted like nothing ever happened.

Many other things happened too, such as I was completely banned from eating any of their food, or using their toilet roll, I had no source of income at that time since I was studying really hard for my upcoming GCSE exams (I think in the US they're called finals) and had to ask my dad to send me money for food which I hid in my cupboard, but when I would leave for school they'd take whatever they wanted.

Typing all this I feel so so so fucking stupid because others suffer physical and mental abuse in their household and this just feels meaningless compared to that, I cannot even begin to imagine how they must have felt.

Im going to end this off by saying that the thing that hurt me most was between everything that went on, my mum would sit in my room and tell me that it would always be me she chose, over any man, she said that no matter what happened this family would always be together.
Long story short she changed the house locks, won't let me get any of my belongings and now I've been sleeping on my sisters sofa for the last year.
I ended up failing all my exams (which was my fault anyway since I wasn't focused at all) I joined a traineeship/college, got a part time job and it was going well until covid hit and we went into lockdown.

I want it all to just go away and never have to deal with anything ever again, I don't want a happy sunset ending, I can't help but just dwell on the past and feel so hurt and betrayed by my mum, the one person who I thought would be there for me whenever I needed her and she chose a fucking junkie over her family (no one talks to her anymore)
I don't even know how I want to go, I just want to be gone but the thought of doing that to the two people who stuck by my side throughout this whole thing makes me feel sick, I would feel as id have just done the same as my mum and left everyone to get on with their lives.

if anyone read down this far then thankyou so much, it really means a lot that SS has even given me, and others this opportunity to vent in an environment where we feel safe and comfortable.

This isn't stupid at all.

I've been in a similar situation with a shitty step-dad for around 2.5 years. My mother never really protected me and even blamed me back, when I complained about bullshit that were happening.

Feeling that betrayal from your mother who were always pretty nice to me is really painful. I know this feel.

And even tho I am in much better situation, I think damage to my mental health is permanent. Even before all of that I thought about ending it all, but now it went really serious.

Even in my suicide note that I've written for future I blamed her for it a lot and told that it was the reason why I decided to ctb.

 

[Aurora.]

I don't normally get this upset, but this hits close to home because my mom and I are very close. She married a guy when I was a teenager and he hated me. However unlike your mom, when he put his hands on my throat, she kicked him out of the house permanently. If I were you (I live in the US), if you're going to end it, I would get a gun, 3 bullets, and let nature take its course. This is a fucking horror story - one of the worst I've heard. Your mom is slut who is probably a junkie who sold her child out for drugs. What's worse is that she told you she loved you and then gave up on you. It's time to return the favor. No one will miss them. Fuck, this is going to take a while to get over.

I'm really sorry this has brought back bad memories for you, I can't believe that he actually tried to harm you.That is one sick individual for even considering harming their partner's child and a fucked up person for actually do it.

Unfortunately I live in the UK so getting a gun would be near impossible for me, especially since I wouldn't even know where to look, but that would've been my go-to if I could.

Il never understand how it was so easy for her to just abandon her family especially since we were all so close before this, but you're right, they're on the same level now and she's probably just as bad as him.

This isn't stupid at all.

I've been in a similar situation with a shitty step-dad for around 2.5 years. My mother never really protected me and even blamed me back, when I complained about bullshit that were happening.

Feeling that betrayal from your mother who were always pretty nice to me is really painful. I know this feel.

And even tho I am in much better situation, I think damage to my mental health is permanent. Even before all of that I thought about ending it all, but now it went really serious.

Even in my suicide note that I've written for future I blamed her for it a lot and told that it was the reason why I decided to ctb.

It's disgusting how they don't protect their child, that should be their main priority but no.

Getting blamed for shit that is happening or happened, when you know you had nothing to do with it is one of the worst feelings possible, you know your innocence but no one wants to listen for you to prove it.

I'm really sorry that you've had to go through that, it sounds like your mum deserves to be blamed for the damage that she has caused to you, and when you decide to ctb I'm sure the guilt will overwhelm her.

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Hi guys,

So I joined a few days ago but have been too nervous to join in with any discussions or talk about anything up until now. I feel like now would be a good time as I've got a lot on my mind and I'm hoping this helps as a kind of release of that.

Btw, I'm not expecting anyone to reply to this, or hey maybe no one will even read it but I think it would help my head feel a lot less crowded.

I guess my main reason for being reluctant to post on here is because compared to other people, my life and issues are nothing. In comparison mine are so minor that I feel so stupid and somewhat selfish for even talking about them, but I feel it's something I need to do.

So I've only recently turned 18, and I've always been told that these are crucial years for getting your life up and going, but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do so, if I could click my fingers and instantly ctb I would do so, because the thought of having to find my own way, and build my own future is absolutely terrifying to me, I don't want it at all.

Everything was going alright up until 2 years ago, my mum moved her new boyfriend into the house before I even got the chance to properly meet him, he was just some dude who my mum use to work with at her old job, and they unfortunately ended up crossing paths again years down the line.

I didn't think anything of it until I would hear him moaning about me to my mum, he would comment on the fact that I hadn't washed one of my plates up immediately after eating or that I ate something that he had his eye on, this started happening very regularly and got to the point where I would just sit in my room, with my ear against the door listening to him shout at my mum about how lazy I am, and that I never go outside and have no life, I was 15 at the time. I can't even really believe he had the audacity to say that since he had been jobless for about 3 years and was an avid coke user, but anyway that went on for a good 6 months ish, they would argue more and more regularly and it would always be about me, some minor thing I had done like put my washing into the basket instead of directly into the washing machine.

one of the worst experiences I had one night was when I woke up to my mum screaming and him yelling, my brother (who was staying with us at the time) rushed in there and found him strangling my mum, we don't know what his intentions were but my mum was adamant that he tried to kill her. She brought him back into the house the next day. I was in my room every night so fucking scared that he was going to do something to me, my mum always assured me that he would never touch me, and although he never did, I didn't believe her at the time. A few days passed by and she just acted like nothing ever happened.

Many other things happened too, such as I was completely banned from eating any of their food, or using their toilet roll, I had no source of income at that time since I was studying really hard for my upcoming GCSE exams (I think in the US they're called finals) and had to ask my dad to send me money for food which I hid in my cupboard, but when I would leave for school they'd take whatever they wanted.

Typing all this I feel so so so fucking stupid because others suffer physical and mental abuse in their household and this just feels meaningless compared to that, I cannot even begin to imagine how they must have felt.

Im going to end this off by saying that the thing that hurt me most was between everything that went on, my mum would sit in my room and tell me that it would always be me she chose, over any man, she said that no matter what happened this family would always be together.
Long story short she changed the house locks, won't let me get any of my belongings and now I've been sleeping on my sisters sofa for the last year.
I ended up failing all my exams (which was my fault anyway since I wasn't focused at all) I joined a traineeship/college, got a part time job and it was going well until covid hit and we went into lockdown.

I want it all to just go away and never have to deal with anything ever again, I don't want a happy sunset ending, I can't help but just dwell on the past and feel so hurt and betrayed by my mum, the one person who I thought would be there for me whenever I needed her and she chose a fucking junkie over her family (no one talks to her anymore)
I don't even know how I want to go, I just want to be gone but the thought of doing that to the two people who stuck by my side throughout this whole thing makes me feel sick, I would feel as id have just done the same as my mum and left everyone to get on with their lives.

if anyone read down this far then thankyou so much, it really means a lot that SS has even given me, and others this opportunity to vent in an environment where we feel safe and comfortable.

I completely understand about feeling like others suffer more. Some of my anger and depression is because I hate myself for feeling like I do when others issues seem way worse.
I am so sorry for the pain you've been through. No one should have to go through pain in this life, but here we all are.
Feel free to vent or talk to anyone. We will be here to listen.