OldGod
Student
- Feb 20, 2020
- 141
Hey, I'm 25 years old and living alone in my apartment in Philly.
Just got it in November a little after my birthday. Just two months before that I got a brand new car. Right after I moved in I got into a relationship with a wonderfully attractive, intelligent, and wholesome girl that has done so much for me. I also work at a warehouse for one of the biggest companies in the world. A lot of people hear this and they wonder why I would want to end it all. I'll get into it a little bit here.
I was abused my whole life and I've always been depressed. I developed a personality disorder because of the trauma (Borderline). My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic and my father was a criminal and a crack addict. I've been beaten and ridiculed and made fun of and locked in dark places and threatened and humiliated and all by the hands of my family members. I was never bullied in school. I was an outcast but I still managed to have friends and romantic or sexual relationships. High school was where things really got bad. Changes in my family structure, trying to make sense of the world and make sense of who I was, break ups with girlfriends, drugs, alcohol. It's been going downhill for a while. One of my best friends hung themselves in my bathroom a few years ago. It was a pretty awful experience. I moved in with my grandmother shortly after that and she was just as abusive as my mother. Then my most recent best friend ended up shooting himself in January of last year and that's been difficult to cope with as well.
I thought getting my own place and my car would make things better but it really hasn't. My biggest struggle has been dealing with relationships. I mean well, I try to do good, I really care about people, but sometimes things happen and something triggers me or I panic from a sense of abandonment or my disorder just flares up and I can't control it. It pushes people away. Sometimes I can't tell if it's really me or if it's them because I'm always dating people with their own trauma and mental health issues. I never know what's real anymore.
Anyway, I just met this girl by complete random chance and things were good. Beyond good. I mean I have dated a lot of girls but they have never been as kind or as sweet as her. She was really good to me and we had a lot of fun. She helped me set up my apartment, she picked me up from the hospital when I got hurt at work, she has done so much for me that nobody else has ever done and I've appreciated her a lot for it. The issue is her own trauma though. She had a very abusive ex and had a court date coming up. A few court dates actually. That's when things started getting bad. She started withdrawing, not answering texts, etc. She told me that she wanted to break up and it threw me off guard. I couldn't understand why. She started telling me that I'm a toxic person, I'm too negative, she doesn't like who she is around me. She brought up a list of situations that happened, most of which I didn't even realize were issues or thought were dead and buried. We were still talking for a month since then and one night things got really flirty between us and I shut it down because I didn't want that to happen and then have her say she still doesn't want to be with me. She got upset. She can't handle guilt and when she gets scared she demonizes other people in defense. It's awful. That's been a huge part of the problem. Her therapist told her to cut me off for good and that's what she did last night. It seemed so easy for her. It still hurts too because we really did work well together and I feel like her anxiety really got in the way.
This isn't just one girl though, it's really every relationship I've ever had. And it's not just the girls either. Dealing with my friends dying, my family being what it is, etc. It's too much for my mind. I don't find joy in anything anymore and I just hate people. They're so awful and cruel and they don't make sense. I want to get out of this cycle. So, I took leave from work and I'm going to have the best two weeks I can and then I'm going to do what needs to be done.
That's the gist of my story, hope someone can relate.
Just got it in November a little after my birthday. Just two months before that I got a brand new car. Right after I moved in I got into a relationship with a wonderfully attractive, intelligent, and wholesome girl that has done so much for me. I also work at a warehouse for one of the biggest companies in the world. A lot of people hear this and they wonder why I would want to end it all. I'll get into it a little bit here.
I was abused my whole life and I've always been depressed. I developed a personality disorder because of the trauma (Borderline). My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic and my father was a criminal and a crack addict. I've been beaten and ridiculed and made fun of and locked in dark places and threatened and humiliated and all by the hands of my family members. I was never bullied in school. I was an outcast but I still managed to have friends and romantic or sexual relationships. High school was where things really got bad. Changes in my family structure, trying to make sense of the world and make sense of who I was, break ups with girlfriends, drugs, alcohol. It's been going downhill for a while. One of my best friends hung themselves in my bathroom a few years ago. It was a pretty awful experience. I moved in with my grandmother shortly after that and she was just as abusive as my mother. Then my most recent best friend ended up shooting himself in January of last year and that's been difficult to cope with as well.
I thought getting my own place and my car would make things better but it really hasn't. My biggest struggle has been dealing with relationships. I mean well, I try to do good, I really care about people, but sometimes things happen and something triggers me or I panic from a sense of abandonment or my disorder just flares up and I can't control it. It pushes people away. Sometimes I can't tell if it's really me or if it's them because I'm always dating people with their own trauma and mental health issues. I never know what's real anymore.
Anyway, I just met this girl by complete random chance and things were good. Beyond good. I mean I have dated a lot of girls but they have never been as kind or as sweet as her. She was really good to me and we had a lot of fun. She helped me set up my apartment, she picked me up from the hospital when I got hurt at work, she has done so much for me that nobody else has ever done and I've appreciated her a lot for it. The issue is her own trauma though. She had a very abusive ex and had a court date coming up. A few court dates actually. That's when things started getting bad. She started withdrawing, not answering texts, etc. She told me that she wanted to break up and it threw me off guard. I couldn't understand why. She started telling me that I'm a toxic person, I'm too negative, she doesn't like who she is around me. She brought up a list of situations that happened, most of which I didn't even realize were issues or thought were dead and buried. We were still talking for a month since then and one night things got really flirty between us and I shut it down because I didn't want that to happen and then have her say she still doesn't want to be with me. She got upset. She can't handle guilt and when she gets scared she demonizes other people in defense. It's awful. That's been a huge part of the problem. Her therapist told her to cut me off for good and that's what she did last night. It seemed so easy for her. It still hurts too because we really did work well together and I feel like her anxiety really got in the way.
This isn't just one girl though, it's really every relationship I've ever had. And it's not just the girls either. Dealing with my friends dying, my family being what it is, etc. It's too much for my mind. I don't find joy in anything anymore and I just hate people. They're so awful and cruel and they don't make sense. I want to get out of this cycle. So, I took leave from work and I'm going to have the best two weeks I can and then I'm going to do what needs to be done.
That's the gist of my story, hope someone can relate.
