BurnBurnBurn
She/her
- Dec 24, 2021
- 22
Heads up this might be a long one. The tldr is I want to die but I suppose most of us on this site do so it's nothing new. The why of it is important though and I guess in my head I want a place to justify it, because my life is well and truly fucked at this point. I don't see it ever getting better because it always keeps coming back to this point: wanting to die. Being completely, well and truly unsatisfied with life. With wanting the peace of death. Maybe it's the depression talking, but why should I have to live with this illness? Why should I have to live always eventually wanting to die? Maybe this isn't justified to some of you but maybe to some it is and that's why I have to try and say my piece.
Guess we should start from the beginning. Depression for me first started when I lost my grandad to cancer. He was only in his 60s and he was like a second dad to me and my sister. He helped raise me and my sister when our parents were busy at work. He was the first major death I'd ever experienced and we had to watch him slowly deteriorate in hospice care. Losing him broke something in me. After he passed I ended up failing my A-Levels due to grief and had to resit them. So my friends all went off to uni and I was still stuck in school trying to pass. But I did eventually pass and followed my friends to uni a year later.
Uni passed without incident. It's when I graduated that things went downhill. A few months after I'd graduated I met a girl. This would be my first ever relationship and it would also be the most toxic one I've been in thus far. But I didn't know this. I was smitten. Her? Well she was in love with her best friend the entire time. Added to this fact, I was at the time in the process of applying to my dream job. I'd passed the interview and was waiting for the final stages to be completed. Now I don't know if she was jealous of this fact or what but she did everything in her power to try and convince me I was a bad person for going for this job. She gaslit me to the point where I was almost convinced that I wanted an entirely different career path and she nearly got me to give up my career path to pursue a dead end job instead (I didn't but watch this space…). Then when it seemed like she was bored with me she cut me loose. In short she fucked my head up royally. To the point where the depression came back full force and I had no choice but to withdraw from the application process for my dream job. I was in no fit state to work at this point and given the nature of the job I was going for, they would have discovered my mental challenges and denied me the opportunity. So I withdrew. I lost my dream job to this fucking illness. And I can't apply again because the nature of the the job requires medical background checks, so they'll know about all my attempts (more on those later) but suffice it to say I won't get hired with my medical history.
Then I got my heart utterly broken. I managed to find another job within my field to tide me over but it didn't last. I went back to uni to study for my Masters instead. That passed without incident. Again it was upon graduating that things went downhill once again. I was still very sick at this point, self harming and such throughout my Masters, but I managed to hold on. Until I met my second girlfriend. I fell hard and I fell fast. I thought she was perfect. She seemed kind, understanding, the works. And maybe she was? I won't ever know because she cut me off two months in, blocked me completely and ghosted me and then got engaged to another woman not a few months later. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong, what I'd done to slight her and I guess I'll never know. But that was the straw that broke the camel's back in the end. I've always been very sensitive and this just succeeded in reinforcing all the feelings I felt from my first relationship: that I was unlovable, that I was damaged goods that no one could ever love.
Things were bad for a long time. The combination of the two failed relationships, the loss of my dream job and the loss of my grandad was all just too much for me to bear. I've mentioned that I'm very sensitive so it should come as no surprise that the depression became very bad. I had 14 overdoses, one of those landing me in ICU. I had to have extensive therapy after that. Specifically MBT or Mentalisaton Based Therapy. Got put on meds which felt like they were doing the trick to keep me stable for a time. 3/4 years later, I started to get back on my feet. Landed a job (dead end one granted but still better than being on benefits like I was before). But I've started to get bad again. The feelings of not wanting to be here are coming back full force.
If I really evaluate my life I've lost so fucking much of it to depression and anxiety. I look at everything I was supposed to be: gifted student meant to go on to achieve a good job, maybe even settle down, get married and have kids. But it all seems impossible. I've tried and tried to break into my industry by sending off application after application and every one gets rejected. The only employers that give me the time of day now are for dead end jobs that won't get me anywhere. That offer no progression, no development, no investment. Nothing. And regarding love? If I'm ever honest about how I'm truly feeling, if I trusted and opened up any girl is going to run for the hills and once again I'll be left with a broken heart.
And that's where I'm at. I want to die. Again. I realise to some this might not seem like much to cause these feelings but I feel like words alone can't describe the mental anguish I feel inside. If you knew how I felt, you might just think differently. I'd appreciate it if people could be kind and mindful, but at the same instance, at this point, I'm also past caring. I just needed to get it out there. And now I have. Maybe if I'm successful this time, this will serve as evidence for why I did it I guess and that is enough for me.
(Update: I couldn't manage to keep the job. Why? Because I got so fucking anxious about it that I handed in my resignation. Why did I get so anxious? Because I get anxiety about phone calls and the job was a Customer Service Representative working specifically on phones. But I was desperate for a job so I took the first one that came my way. Couldn't even manage to fucking keep it because once again depression and anxiety win over. I also met a girl but it turns out that she was just too much for me to handle so I had to cut it off for my own mental health and now I think she might be threatening to ctb. I just want to ctb. Just want all this to be over with now).
Guess we should start from the beginning. Depression for me first started when I lost my grandad to cancer. He was only in his 60s and he was like a second dad to me and my sister. He helped raise me and my sister when our parents were busy at work. He was the first major death I'd ever experienced and we had to watch him slowly deteriorate in hospice care. Losing him broke something in me. After he passed I ended up failing my A-Levels due to grief and had to resit them. So my friends all went off to uni and I was still stuck in school trying to pass. But I did eventually pass and followed my friends to uni a year later.
Uni passed without incident. It's when I graduated that things went downhill. A few months after I'd graduated I met a girl. This would be my first ever relationship and it would also be the most toxic one I've been in thus far. But I didn't know this. I was smitten. Her? Well she was in love with her best friend the entire time. Added to this fact, I was at the time in the process of applying to my dream job. I'd passed the interview and was waiting for the final stages to be completed. Now I don't know if she was jealous of this fact or what but she did everything in her power to try and convince me I was a bad person for going for this job. She gaslit me to the point where I was almost convinced that I wanted an entirely different career path and she nearly got me to give up my career path to pursue a dead end job instead (I didn't but watch this space…). Then when it seemed like she was bored with me she cut me loose. In short she fucked my head up royally. To the point where the depression came back full force and I had no choice but to withdraw from the application process for my dream job. I was in no fit state to work at this point and given the nature of the job I was going for, they would have discovered my mental challenges and denied me the opportunity. So I withdrew. I lost my dream job to this fucking illness. And I can't apply again because the nature of the the job requires medical background checks, so they'll know about all my attempts (more on those later) but suffice it to say I won't get hired with my medical history.
Then I got my heart utterly broken. I managed to find another job within my field to tide me over but it didn't last. I went back to uni to study for my Masters instead. That passed without incident. Again it was upon graduating that things went downhill once again. I was still very sick at this point, self harming and such throughout my Masters, but I managed to hold on. Until I met my second girlfriend. I fell hard and I fell fast. I thought she was perfect. She seemed kind, understanding, the works. And maybe she was? I won't ever know because she cut me off two months in, blocked me completely and ghosted me and then got engaged to another woman not a few months later. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong, what I'd done to slight her and I guess I'll never know. But that was the straw that broke the camel's back in the end. I've always been very sensitive and this just succeeded in reinforcing all the feelings I felt from my first relationship: that I was unlovable, that I was damaged goods that no one could ever love.
Things were bad for a long time. The combination of the two failed relationships, the loss of my dream job and the loss of my grandad was all just too much for me to bear. I've mentioned that I'm very sensitive so it should come as no surprise that the depression became very bad. I had 14 overdoses, one of those landing me in ICU. I had to have extensive therapy after that. Specifically MBT or Mentalisaton Based Therapy. Got put on meds which felt like they were doing the trick to keep me stable for a time. 3/4 years later, I started to get back on my feet. Landed a job (dead end one granted but still better than being on benefits like I was before). But I've started to get bad again. The feelings of not wanting to be here are coming back full force.
If I really evaluate my life I've lost so fucking much of it to depression and anxiety. I look at everything I was supposed to be: gifted student meant to go on to achieve a good job, maybe even settle down, get married and have kids. But it all seems impossible. I've tried and tried to break into my industry by sending off application after application and every one gets rejected. The only employers that give me the time of day now are for dead end jobs that won't get me anywhere. That offer no progression, no development, no investment. Nothing. And regarding love? If I'm ever honest about how I'm truly feeling, if I trusted and opened up any girl is going to run for the hills and once again I'll be left with a broken heart.
And that's where I'm at. I want to die. Again. I realise to some this might not seem like much to cause these feelings but I feel like words alone can't describe the mental anguish I feel inside. If you knew how I felt, you might just think differently. I'd appreciate it if people could be kind and mindful, but at the same instance, at this point, I'm also past caring. I just needed to get it out there. And now I have. Maybe if I'm successful this time, this will serve as evidence for why I did it I guess and that is enough for me.
(Update: I couldn't manage to keep the job. Why? Because I got so fucking anxious about it that I handed in my resignation. Why did I get so anxious? Because I get anxiety about phone calls and the job was a Customer Service Representative working specifically on phones. But I was desperate for a job so I took the first one that came my way. Couldn't even manage to fucking keep it because once again depression and anxiety win over. I also met a girl but it turns out that she was just too much for me to handle so I had to cut it off for my own mental health and now I think she might be threatening to ctb. I just want to ctb. Just want all this to be over with now).
