Just venting

[blueclover_.]

I'm pangender, but my male and female sides are the ones that affect my daily life the most.

When i'm in my male gender, i feel confident and powerful. Sometimes even angrier than usual, ready to break anything that blocks my way. I usually don't care much about others when i'm in this male mode, as if i'm finally free and the rules mean nothing.

When i'm in my female gender, i want to act kind and soft toward others. I want to make new friends, i want to make everyone smile. In this mode, people's perception of me affects me so much. I often worry about the way they look at me even if it's 'normal' for others. My female character wants to be liked so bad, kind of like an attention whore.

Of course, no matter what gender i'm feeling that day, i'm always narcissistic. But when i'm in my female mode i also get more vulnerable and my narcissism is the only thing saving me from bad days. When i'm in my male mode i couldn't give a fuck about anything and my narcissism gives me a euphoric feeling of power and freedom. I LOVE my male side. I just want to be seen as a guy.

What's cool with being female anyway? Being pretty? Being put on a pedestal? Being underestimated? Being weak biologically and often socially? If there's a benefit of being a female human is that you can suck out your simps money and become a gold digger. It's just pathetic.

 

[toseeyousmile]

I don't think I'm able to truly get an accurate image of what it means to have a male and female side to you but sounds like a yin and yang type of situation. Well in any case, narcissism isn't that bad of a thing, aren't most people narcissistic? And I'm also very self-loathing too but I feel like as much as you hate the female side of you I think it's probably chill tbh, stressful but sounds natural, nothing particularly weird about it and you can't hate on it too much since it is a part of you, as much as the male part is maybe? So I think it's probably fine but sounds difficult...

 

[blueclover_.]

I don't think I'm able to truly get an accurate image of what it means to have a male and female side to you but sounds like a yin and yang type of situation. Well in any case, narcissism isn't that bad of a thing, aren't most people narcissistic?

I'm actually pangenderflux, that means i experience all genders (male, non-binary, female) at the same time with varying intensity. For example, right now my gender identity is made out of 50% male, 20% non-binary, and 30% female. Some days i feel 60% female, 30% male, 20% non-binary. Some days i feel 90% male, 5% non-binary, 5% female. The percentage is as accurate as possible. I hope that people know more about non-mainstream gender identities :)

And I'm also very self-loathing too

You know what, i don't hate myself; i just dislike my female character. My narcissism is like one step above normal range—very close to the actual NPD situation, except i can live happily without anyone's attention/approval. Like even if everyone hates me i can still love myself and that's enough. Of course i won't let things come to that, but i'm ready for anything, thanks to my male side that doesn't care about people. It's not a flex, i'm just being honest cuz why not.

but I feel like as much as you hate the female side of you I think it's probably chill tbh, stressful but sounds natural, nothing particularly weird about it and you can't hate on it too much since it is a part of you, as much as the male part is maybe? So I think it's probably fine but sounds difficult...

Yeah, i'm chill with having the female gender as a part of my gender identity. It's just that it's hard. And i'd like to just be 100% male but this is the brain that nature 'blessed' me with. So that's that.

 

[OrcWitch]

What's cool with being female anyway?

I think what I'm about to say is from societal reinforcement/childhood socialization and isn't biologically essential or strictly a female thing but

More capacity to give and receive emotional support. Better social support networks. Less ego and pride. Less violent. When I think of "toxic masculinity" I think of men as being the biggest victim to its arbitrary expectations. Whenever a man attempts to step outside harmful expectations he gets namecalled a "cuck" or "soyboy" or harsher words, in an attempt to keep the toxic cult intact.

If we're talking strictly biological roles, birth giving and feeding newborns isn't as cool as extra strength, but it's essential to the species survival.

This thread is going to turn into a nasty argument again I think, so in advance I won't be here if someone disagrees with what I've written.

 

[blueclover_.]

I think what I'm about to say is from societal reinforcement/childhood socialization and isn't biologically essential or strictly a female thing but

More capacity to give and receive emotional support. Better social support networks. Less ego and pride. Less violent. When I think of "toxic masculinity" I think of men as being the biggest victim to its arbitrary expectations.

If we're talking strictly biological roles, birth giving and feeding newborns isn't as cool as extra strength, but it's essential to the species survival.

This thread is going to turn into a nasty argument again I think, so in advance I won't be here if someone disagrees with what I've written.

Hahaha. As an AFAB, you're right that the only advantage of being female is more emotional support. But that's useless when you're already strong emotionally and now you're left with the 99% disadvantage of being female.

Arguments aren't nasty, they're beautiful. I was in a debate club, i'm one of the few people who actually love debates. Most people are afraid of confrontation. I understand where you're coming from.

 

[OrcWitch]

Hahaha. As an AFAB, you're right that the only advantage of being female is more emotional support. But that's useless when you're already strong emotionally and now you're left with the 99% disadvantage of being female.

Arguments aren't nasty, they're beautiful. I was in a debate club, i'm one of the few people who actually love debates.

Yeah there is a lot of shitty baggage with female for sure, I agree 100%.

I respect your strength to argue with people.

 

[Pluto]

I find your situation very interesting. I'm biologically male but have most of the female personality traits that you mentioned. I've traced it to growing up in an abusive, all-female environment which beat the masculinity out of me. There would need to be a new letter added to the LGBTQ... alphabet soup to cover my freaky situation: F for fucked. But there's an upside to it.

I agree with all of @OrcWitch's points. I've worked with young children before and was able to connect really deeply with some of them. Same thing with being able to bond with nature and animals, or to want to care for the environment without needing some government to force me. The old toxic masculinity needs to die as it's a pathetic relic of paleolithic primitiveness.

Both genders are to blame for the situation, of course, as hypermasculine men are merely competing in a dominance hierarchy that exists purely to attract women, just as many women tend to focus much attention on their appearance in response to knowing this is maximises attraction by men. Society as a whole needs to evolve.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

It's interesting how people associate masculinity with anger; I see it more as we're not permitted to express anger in case we come off as intimidating or physically violent.

Most of my own anger has involved stewing in silence while the female element in my life ran roughshod. And that's socially acceptable due to women being weaker, I suppose.

 

[blueclover_.]

It's interesting how people associate masculinity with anger; I see it more as we're not permitted to express anger in case we come off as intimidating or physically violent.

Most of my own anger has involved stewing in silence while the female element in my life ran roughshod. And that's socially acceptable due to women being weaker, I suppose.

Yeah certainly masculinity takes many forms, the most common one is just anger cuz it's the only emotion that shows dominance—which society deems to be fit for males.