I just feel so conflicted right now. I feel like suicide can sometimes be so hard to justify. I'm staying with my mum at the moment, and last night she got super emotional and kept saying how she wants me to have a good life. And I told her "I have had a good life" and this upset her more. I know how much she doesn't want me to die, and it is so hard to lie to her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I wish there was a way for me to go without causing her pain.
And the thing that gets me is that if I knew for certain that I was entirely bad or evil or that my soul was corrupted, my death would be justified and it would be right. Like the man in Maine who killed 18 people before ending his own life - surely, if he was going to die for sure (because I don't want to say that anyone deserves to die), but if he was going to kill himself, shouldn't he have done that first and then there would have been no senseless violence. This just gets me so much because what if I wait, even though I am ultimately going to die in the end, and while I wait, I do become evil and I decide to kill other people first. How can I take that chance? I am never going to know that I do not have the capability to do something so awful and harmful.
And if I cannot guarantee that I won't kill someone else eventually, surely the risk of this outweighs the pain my suicide will cause my mum? It is so hard to try and balance these things out, but surely one person's pain is better than the pain of hundreds of people, even if the best thing would be no pain for anyone? And it is so hard to work backwards to find the right answer because everything is uncertain, but nothing is impossible.
Like if I don't know if I could kill someone, then that is 50% true. And I don't know if I SHOULD kill myself because of this so this is 50% true too. But I know my mum will be hurt if I kill myself so this is 100% true. But do the two 50% add up to 100%? And if I add that I am about 15% sure that I want to die, then this is 115% and this outweighs the pain of my mum. So the potential I have for evil + a moral duty to kill myself + what I think I might want for myself = killing myself is right?
And all I can really do right now is keep trying to do the maths and keep trying to look at the evidence. Like, what is the evidence that I would kill someone else? In hospital, when I am being restrained or cornered, I fight. When the police handcuff me I fight. So I have an instinct for violence. And my ability to hurt myself is extreme. I've been told by the police that my cut is the worst he had ever seen. I've been told by doctors that my self harm is unusually extreme. I've been told by nurses that it is very unusual for them to see cuts as severe as mine. Plus I am able to bash my head against a wall for hours, and give myself two black eyes and a concussion. So a capacity for violence towards others, plus extremity of harm towards myself could equate to extreme violence towards others. I can't rule this out.
And if I cannot say that this will not happen, essentially I am saying that this will happen. And then killing myself is moral and the right thing to do. But I still feel so guilty and there is still a pretty big part of me that desperately wants things to change and to live and to keep everyone around me happy. It is hard when logic and emotion do not line up.
And the thing that gets me is that if I knew for certain that I was entirely bad or evil or that my soul was corrupted, my death would be justified and it would be right. Like the man in Maine who killed 18 people before ending his own life - surely, if he was going to die for sure (because I don't want to say that anyone deserves to die), but if he was going to kill himself, shouldn't he have done that first and then there would have been no senseless violence. This just gets me so much because what if I wait, even though I am ultimately going to die in the end, and while I wait, I do become evil and I decide to kill other people first. How can I take that chance? I am never going to know that I do not have the capability to do something so awful and harmful.
And if I cannot guarantee that I won't kill someone else eventually, surely the risk of this outweighs the pain my suicide will cause my mum? It is so hard to try and balance these things out, but surely one person's pain is better than the pain of hundreds of people, even if the best thing would be no pain for anyone? And it is so hard to work backwards to find the right answer because everything is uncertain, but nothing is impossible.
Like if I don't know if I could kill someone, then that is 50% true. And I don't know if I SHOULD kill myself because of this so this is 50% true too. But I know my mum will be hurt if I kill myself so this is 100% true. But do the two 50% add up to 100%? And if I add that I am about 15% sure that I want to die, then this is 115% and this outweighs the pain of my mum. So the potential I have for evil + a moral duty to kill myself + what I think I might want for myself = killing myself is right?
And all I can really do right now is keep trying to do the maths and keep trying to look at the evidence. Like, what is the evidence that I would kill someone else? In hospital, when I am being restrained or cornered, I fight. When the police handcuff me I fight. So I have an instinct for violence. And my ability to hurt myself is extreme. I've been told by the police that my cut is the worst he had ever seen. I've been told by doctors that my self harm is unusually extreme. I've been told by nurses that it is very unusual for them to see cuts as severe as mine. Plus I am able to bash my head against a wall for hours, and give myself two black eyes and a concussion. So a capacity for violence towards others, plus extremity of harm towards myself could equate to extreme violence towards others. I can't rule this out.
And if I cannot say that this will not happen, essentially I am saying that this will happen. And then killing myself is moral and the right thing to do. But I still feel so guilty and there is still a pretty big part of me that desperately wants things to change and to live and to keep everyone around me happy. It is hard when logic and emotion do not line up.
