Just really wanna share my thoughts with someone cuz I can't trust anyone in my life. idk everything feels so risky to me right now. Like a few weeks ago I fucked up realistically, because I'd been practicing going to the bridge trying to overcome my fear of jumping, and I had got everything ready (note etc.) inside my flat, and I was committed. But for some reason on that night, and it was only like 12.30am so not even that late, I was just so sure I was being followed, and all along the bridge I could hear someone like cat-calling me, and so I was rushing to get to the other side where it is quieter and my thinking was just I've gotta jump before whoever is following me catches up with me.
So then I get onto the side of the bridge and I'm hustling to get far enough along that I would be jumping into the water, and there are still a few cars, but I was speed walking and no one was slowing down so I thought I was okay. And there was a storm so the wind was super strong and I was climbing up so I could get over the railing at the side, and I gave myself a countdown from 30 because I was freaking out about jumping and freaking out about whoever was following me at the same time, and I'm not such a fucking idiot to think I can just stand on the edge of a bridge for any length of time before someone comes along and sees me.
And I was only on like 12 when some woman stops her car and starts shouting and she grabs me and then before I know it there are like three police cars and everything has gone to shit, and I feel so fucking stupid because what was I even doing hanging around for 30 seconds in the first place. Like i am smarter than that and I should have been smarter than that and not got caught.
But then everyone is questioning me, and cuz I'm a girl and I'm still young everyone is assuming I'm drunk and I've been out partying and I'm trying to go with it and lie my way out but they still take me to the police station and i'm trying not to freak out but not doing a good job. And then they're taking me to the hospital, and obviously I don't want to go but I'm going with it because if I'm cooperative then I have a better chance to get out. But then I speak to the nurses and tell them it was a mistake and I was just upset and everything is fine and I just want to go home, but they are not satisfied and they want me to speak to their doctor and I've been in the system long enough to know that means I'm most likely getting sectioned, so I'm trying to fight off the police and they have me in handcuffs face down on the floor, and one of them has his arm across my neck chocking me, and we do that for like 3 hours while we wait for the doctor. and then I tell her the same that I was just drunk and I'd had a fight with my boyfriend and trying to play the stupid girl they obviously thought I was. But they don't buy it and I get sectioned and then I'm in the hospital for five days and I'm freaking out the whole time because I don't want to be kept in for months again, and I'm doing my best but the only thing I really can do in that situation is hit my head against the wall over and over.
And then they all get upset at the hospital because my whole face had swollen up and they were worried I had a brain injury so they took me to A&E. but it was just concussion so they took me back to the psych ward and then the doctor let me go, but said I needed to see the bloody Crisis Team and stay with my mum. then less than a week later I got admitted again, because I can't stay at my mum's house because the police are watching the house and I can't trust her because for all I know she's working with the police. And all I am saying is I want to go back to my flat and somehow they take that as I should be sectioned again. and then once I'm in the hospital they are searching me and they realise I self harmed (which I had to do because my mum was locking me in her house and I needed to get out and she would have to let me go if I had to get my arm stitched back together, only then the police showed up and brought me to the psych hospital instead). And all the nurses start freaking out about the cut even though I know what I'm doing, and they are making shit up saying they could see the bone which was just such a fucking lie because I did it and it was fine.
So then they let me out because I kept hitting my head on the wall and their stupid injections were not stopping me and thankfully they realised it was not productive to keep me there. And I've been at my mum's house for a week, but it is not okay because the police are still watching the house, I still can't trust my mum, everyone is trying to tell me I am paranoid, and I still have so many meetings with doctors and nurses to try and get through and everyone is just waiting for me to slip up and say something incriminating so they can section me again. and it is so fucking stressful and I am so scared and they are trying to pin all kinds of shit on me saying I am not in control of myself or that I am psychotic and I don't know what I'm going to do.
My SN arrived on monday and it's at my flat, but I don't know when I'm gonna be allowed to go back to my flat, and I cannot risk messing up, especially with the SN because no one knows I have it, and no one knows I even know about SN as a method and I need to keep it that way. So I'm thinking I need a night at my flat to take it, so that no one is gonna catch me (taking it at my mum's house would be dumb because she could catch me) but I don't know how to persuade them to let me do that, and I am so scared I am gonna slip up before I get the chance or that the police are gonna catch up with me or break into the house and everything is so scary right now and I cannot let anyone know what I'm thinking.
I've made such a fucking mess of everything and even though everything has gone to shit, I'm still so scared of dying and I don't know how to get over that either.
So then I get onto the side of the bridge and I'm hustling to get far enough along that I would be jumping into the water, and there are still a few cars, but I was speed walking and no one was slowing down so I thought I was okay. And there was a storm so the wind was super strong and I was climbing up so I could get over the railing at the side, and I gave myself a countdown from 30 because I was freaking out about jumping and freaking out about whoever was following me at the same time, and I'm not such a fucking idiot to think I can just stand on the edge of a bridge for any length of time before someone comes along and sees me.
And I was only on like 12 when some woman stops her car and starts shouting and she grabs me and then before I know it there are like three police cars and everything has gone to shit, and I feel so fucking stupid because what was I even doing hanging around for 30 seconds in the first place. Like i am smarter than that and I should have been smarter than that and not got caught.
But then everyone is questioning me, and cuz I'm a girl and I'm still young everyone is assuming I'm drunk and I've been out partying and I'm trying to go with it and lie my way out but they still take me to the police station and i'm trying not to freak out but not doing a good job. And then they're taking me to the hospital, and obviously I don't want to go but I'm going with it because if I'm cooperative then I have a better chance to get out. But then I speak to the nurses and tell them it was a mistake and I was just upset and everything is fine and I just want to go home, but they are not satisfied and they want me to speak to their doctor and I've been in the system long enough to know that means I'm most likely getting sectioned, so I'm trying to fight off the police and they have me in handcuffs face down on the floor, and one of them has his arm across my neck chocking me, and we do that for like 3 hours while we wait for the doctor. and then I tell her the same that I was just drunk and I'd had a fight with my boyfriend and trying to play the stupid girl they obviously thought I was. But they don't buy it and I get sectioned and then I'm in the hospital for five days and I'm freaking out the whole time because I don't want to be kept in for months again, and I'm doing my best but the only thing I really can do in that situation is hit my head against the wall over and over.
And then they all get upset at the hospital because my whole face had swollen up and they were worried I had a brain injury so they took me to A&E. but it was just concussion so they took me back to the psych ward and then the doctor let me go, but said I needed to see the bloody Crisis Team and stay with my mum. then less than a week later I got admitted again, because I can't stay at my mum's house because the police are watching the house and I can't trust her because for all I know she's working with the police. And all I am saying is I want to go back to my flat and somehow they take that as I should be sectioned again. and then once I'm in the hospital they are searching me and they realise I self harmed (which I had to do because my mum was locking me in her house and I needed to get out and she would have to let me go if I had to get my arm stitched back together, only then the police showed up and brought me to the psych hospital instead). And all the nurses start freaking out about the cut even though I know what I'm doing, and they are making shit up saying they could see the bone which was just such a fucking lie because I did it and it was fine.
So then they let me out because I kept hitting my head on the wall and their stupid injections were not stopping me and thankfully they realised it was not productive to keep me there. And I've been at my mum's house for a week, but it is not okay because the police are still watching the house, I still can't trust my mum, everyone is trying to tell me I am paranoid, and I still have so many meetings with doctors and nurses to try and get through and everyone is just waiting for me to slip up and say something incriminating so they can section me again. and it is so fucking stressful and I am so scared and they are trying to pin all kinds of shit on me saying I am not in control of myself or that I am psychotic and I don't know what I'm going to do.
My SN arrived on monday and it's at my flat, but I don't know when I'm gonna be allowed to go back to my flat, and I cannot risk messing up, especially with the SN because no one knows I have it, and no one knows I even know about SN as a method and I need to keep it that way. So I'm thinking I need a night at my flat to take it, so that no one is gonna catch me (taking it at my mum's house would be dumb because she could catch me) but I don't know how to persuade them to let me do that, and I am so scared I am gonna slip up before I get the chance or that the police are gonna catch up with me or break into the house and everything is so scary right now and I cannot let anyone know what I'm thinking.
I've made such a fucking mess of everything and even though everything has gone to shit, I'm still so scared of dying and I don't know how to get over that either.
