Venting Just venting my thoughts

[Simba]

I feel very empty and extremely useless right now. I'm like insignificant. Why do i even bother at this point ?

Anything or anyone or whatever that i actually like most if not ALWAYS out of reach to me.

I thought if i lived in a different country then things would be better but mammy would say no that changing countries wouldn't change anything or whatever.

Anything good that happens to me i feel like i end up ruining it all ,or it will eventually get ruined.

I feel hopeless. Fuck. I feel like i just want to give up ,and yet ,i don't. why try if you already know the outcome beforehand ?

They say life is not fair. I don't feel like an equal among other humans.

I feel very crushed knowing that the chances of me actually getting to end up meeting others even if theyre in different countries etc is very low..

People i actually get along and they live somewhere else. This sucks.

It was independence day here. I felt ok-ish then slowly going down i dont know. Got sad earlier for no reason ,too.

I'm 25 and look where i am !

I also feel like bit of a fraud ,doubting my thoughts and what not of myself.

I wish my life would've turned bit differently.. at least ,bit better..

"you should've known better" ,yes ,a 3rd grade kid shouldve known better.

I feel uncomfortable talking bout all my feelings to my parents ,and i get bit scared of people's reactions in general. If i feel like ive said something wrong or misunderstood a situation or whatever then I'll find it bit hard to talk or type to person X or whatever - especially if theyre my friends.. most likely not write back until I'm like "fuck my thoughts".

I keep getting thoughts that no one likes me ,that to just block me ,n whst not.. that i should die n stuff.. sometimes if bad the thoughts feel like they're getting bigger than everything else. Not loud persé ,just more.. i dunno..

Can't i just hurt my head multiple times and they'll go away ? Then i wont have anything to worry about

I tend to check also if people blocked me n stuff ,specifically friends ,just to satisfy my thoughts at this point.. it doesn't always work ,tho.

I feel pointless. I feel ugly ,too. Compared to the average women - im a "mediocre-" while they're "mediocre+".

I just look weird. I look weird ,i walk weird..

why can't i just be happy ? Be happy with myself ? Like I don't deserve anything either even tho i want good stuff to happen to me.

im really just crushed right now at the realisation that this will only get worse from here.


I hope im not a lost cause.


From ,Simba

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. Living can be painful as our thoughts can torture us. I understand having dread for the future and I know that it can be awful when things seem hopeless. I wish you the best.

 

[Simba]

yea. It's not even the future. Its present also. I'm like a scared cat or something. I tend to get really attached to people ,too.. then i get sad or whatever if in the end they may leave ,even if they dont ,its something that i think about.. i seem to always expect the worst. I want to be carefree. But even that. It's like i cant or very little carefree-ness is left in me. Id like to redo my life but i know it's not possible. You can only go forward from here i guess..

 

[chocolatebar]

By reading your post, I can feel the confusion in your head... everything at the same time, while finding no connection to the world.

I feel like that sometimes, but I see no pointing in finding my place in this world anymore. My time is gone

 

[braindead91]

I feel the same exact way every day. Crazy how many of us think alike.

 

[Simba]

By reading your post, I can feel the confusion in your head... everything at the same time, while finding no connection to the world.

I feel like that sometimes, but I see no pointing in finding my place in this world anymore. My time is gone

yea idk.. sorry you don't see point in finding your place in world

I feel the same exact way every day. Crazy how many of us think alike.

I don't feel it all the time but alot of times is my thoughts ,unless i feel somehat ok-ish ,ok or ok+ then idk ,any small comment or what not can bring my mood down too but most cases is just me so idk ,i also dont take rejection so well ? Idk i end up just getting like really depressed for days on end after that probably a week or whatever then slowly coming out of it n stuff but is really exhausting tbh

 

[Foresight]

There was someone who wanted to move to Canada from South America, was that you? If so, if you have the means it would be different. Moving to another country could make a difference depending on where you're from.

 

[Simba]

There was someone who wanted to move to Canada from South America, was that you? If so, if you have the means it would be different. Moving to another country could make a difference depending on where you're from.

Oh thats not me ,and can it make a difference if i moved somewhere else ?

 

[Foresight]

Oh thats not me ,and can it make a difference if i moved somewhere else ?

I think so if the culture is part of the problem. There is definitely cultural differences even state to state in the US. It won't solve everything but environment definitely impacts mental health.

 

[Simba]

I think so if the culture is part of the problem. There is definitely cultural differences even state to state in the US. It won't solve everything but environment definitely impacts mental health.

I'm not from USA I'm from Israel so I don't know the culture there

 

[Foresight]

I'm not from USA I'm from Israel so I don't know the culture there

The US is a shithole honestly. Maybe a nice European country or Canada though. Maybe just travel if you want to explore a bit.

 

[Simba]

The US is a shithole honestly. Maybe a nice European country or Canada though. Maybe just travel if you want to explore a bit.

Ok. If say i wanted to travel to US but not to live there i would have to get a visa n stuff ,i told part of this to mammy ,she said "don't get any ideas etc"

I feel crummy i probably don't even know who I am anymore at this point

 

[Foresight]

The US can be dangerous. The cities are not safe. Maybe she worries for you traveling alone? Our loved ones want us safe and close by.

 

[Simba]

The US can be dangerous. The cities are not safe. Maybe she worries for you traveling alone? Our loved ones want us safe and close by.

Maybe ,but im already 25. You can't protect me forever.
Also ,just finished with psychiatrist ,got prescribed Zoloft 50mg

 

[M.i.245541]

Maybe ,but im already 25. You can't protect me forever.
Also ,just finished with psychiatrist ,got prescribed Zoloft 50mg

You are still very young. You can start afresh, either in your country or somewhere else. Try to re-invent yourself by loosing things that you don't like in your current life. Maybe live further from your parents?

 

[Simba]

You are still very young. You can start afresh, either in your country or somewhere else. Try to re-invent yourself by loosing things that you don't like in your current life. Maybe live further from your parents?

I dont have anything against my parents. I just want to go out and try whatever then decide from there. Without their help - unless i explicitly ask for their help. Meaning: if i want to fly on an airplane i can do so myself ,too. Ofcoors i would probably ask to probably get 1 of those workers to help me just in case but should all be good. It's only 1 stop on an airplane. I can book whatever i need beforehand. For instance ,hotels or trips or places i want to see ,i will make sure to have it all written down.

My parents dont exactly think that im ready to even rent an apartment all by myself. So I'm trying for independent living - which btw ,daddy think it's rubbish. Whatever. Idk.

 

[rationaltake]

How did you get on with the psychiatrist?

 

[Simba]

How did you get on with the psychiatrist?

Ok i think. I got prescribed zoloft 50mg.
My thoughts are getting worse really bad

 

[rationaltake]

Ok i think. I got prescribed zoloft 50mg.
My thoughts are getting worse really bad

Sorry your thoughts are getting worse. Is zoloft to help with your thoughts?

 

[Simba]

Sorry your thoughts are getting worse. Is zoloft to help with your thoughts?

I guess. She said is for depression and intrusive thoughts so idk.
Soon I'll probably wont be able to difrenshiate between those thoughts and will probably end up believing them cause is sure as fuck starting to happen already
There's always a logical explanation to if a person isnt talking. They could be busy n stuff. But no. My thoughts will end up overiding my logic soon enough and then there will be nothing but pure insanity in my tiny mind..

 

[rationaltake]

Sorry you're experiencing this. You seem to be aware of logic at the moment. Hopefully things won't get worse.

Will you be seeing the psychiatrist again? To check how it's going?

 

[Simba]

Sorry you're experiencing this. You seem to be aware of logic at the moment. Hopefully things won't get worse.

Will you be seeing the psychiatrist again? To check how it's going?

Seeing her in like ,2 months and a bit :/ i read that with zoloft you need to be closely monitored.... Ok ,well not exactly much monitoring ig idk.. yes im aware of logic when thoughts arent so bad that i cant even try hearing my own logic.. but - my unlogical thoughts that do come in whenever "shit hits the fan" or whatever ,doesnt have to be big.. i think they could be somewhat right tho ,but i know people who like talking to me do genuinely ... so idrk
Also ,i don't remember what it was she wanted me to have ,that like to teach me about touching n stuff.. like in a sexual manner n stuff..

 

[rationaltake]

I like your posts on here.

I know it's difficult but maybe you could try to accept that people interact with you because they want to.

I hope you get on okay.

 

[Simba]

I like your posts on here.

I know it's difficult but maybe you could try to accept that people interact with you because they want to.

I hope you get on okay.

Sorry forgot to reply back. Im still in pain from ears. I feel very much useless. They may talk to me cause they want to but in the end my thoughts will probably get the better of me. What's the point even.

 

[rationaltake]

Sorry forgot to reply back. Im still in pain from ears. I feel very much useless. They may talk to me cause they want to but in the end my thoughts will probably get the better of me. What's the point even.

Sorry. Hope you can keep going.

 

[Simba]

Sorry. Hope you can keep going.

I hope so too ,maybe someday