Venting Just sharing my thoughts

[Acoda]

Life doesn't make sense to me.

I have a lot of good memories of my past. I remember first time having a friend. We used to meet every day as our houses very close. I met him when I was around 4 years old and we used hangout pretty often untill I hit 10. I don't really remember why we stopped. I think it's because we moved to other school where I made new friends and he also probably met someone too. We were still keeping contact but not as much as before. He have gone missing never to be seen again about 3 years ago. .He was a really nice guy. One time in school someone started bullying me. He pushed them back and said that I was his little brother and told them never touch me again. I wish I was strong like him. We used to play video games, play outside, play with other neighbour kids. I wish I could share all my memories but then the post will be far too long.

I remember when I was around 12 I met one guy about 2 years older than me. We were not related to each other in any way but I felt that like he was a nicest guy a have ever met. Unfortunately, we had only one night together given circumstances. I wonder where he is now. I wish could describe all the emotions I felt back then and feel right now.

Now, life feels so boring. I don't feel any driving force to keep myself enjoying it. I always felt happy discovering something new. I always felt happy when I was around my brothers and sisters, friends. I miss them so much. I miss my childhood. Life gave me so much only to take away everything. I just don't understand. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? How can I feel any love or affection towards anything after everything that happened to me?

I can still feel some energy left inside me. I can still fix my life, but why is everything so boring? Why I hate everything?
Am I tired? idk.
I wish that my memory would be erased, so that I can feel any kind of emotion, so that I can feel alive again.

So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect this space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide

(Linkin Park - New Divide)

 

[SecretDissociation]

I'm happy that you have the memories of your childhood. As always life moves too quickly to comprehend. It's cruel, isn't it? How these were living moments shrouded in emotions and now they're just memories. I can't relate but the memories must be nice <3. On the idea of life is boring I get it. Sometimes I don't feel any joy. Work would bring me pleasure and distraction now it is just work and it is so boring. No matter how much I read I don't get that sense of curiosity. Most of the time I only feel rage. Rage that I am still here, maybe that's what you're feeling? Anger and Hatred that you're still here and yet life has taken away your joy, y'know? If my mind was erased I think I'd still be the same. What is it that you want to feel again for the first time?

 

[Acoda]

I'm happy that you have the memories of your childhood. As always life moves too quickly to comprehend. It's cruel, isn't it? How these were living moments shrouded in emotions and now they're just memories. I can't relate but the memories must be nice <3. On the idea of life is boring I get it. Sometimes I don't feel any joy. Work would bring me pleasure and distraction now it is just work and it is so boring. No matter how much I read I don't get that sense of curiosity. Most of the time I only feel rage. Rage that I am still here, maybe that's what you're feeling? Anger and Hatred that you're still here and yet life has taken away your joy, y'know? If my mind was erased I think I'd still be the same. What is it that you want to feel again for the first time?

I wish that could I feel the pain when I used to cry in my bed, that I could feel joy when I beat my step bro in FIFA 2010. I used to visit him everyday. His house was on the way back to my home. I used to watch him play video games on pc or sometimes we would play together when my aunt bring laptop from her workplace. He bought xbox 360 and I was so jealous I was dreaming about ps3. We usually played fifa and mk. When I think now, he was such a noob at mk. He would pick ermac and just spam ranged abilities.God it was annoying.

Back then crying felt so bad, but it was so sweet. My emotions were so overflowing I was feeling myself like a real human being. I remember crying when I missed my brother who moved to another city. My mom used to hug and put me in a comfort. Other day I cried when I saw her sleeping on the sofa after a quarrel. During that times She would push me to get a job or degree and I as always refused to do neither. She told me about her struggles and fell asleep exhausted. As I was eating my dinner I cried. A lot. Looking at her my tears wouldn't stop. I kept eating and crying at the same time untill she woke up and hugged telling me that everything is alright.

I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could live for no one else
But now, through all the hurt and pain
It's time for me to respect
The ones you love mean more than anything

(komm, susser tod)

 

[SecretDissociation]

I wish that could I feel the pain when I used to cry in my bed, that I could feel joy when I beat my step bro in FIFA 2010. I used to visit him everyday. His house was on the way back to my home. I used to watch him play video games on pc or sometimes we would play together when my aunt bring laptop from her workplace. He bought xbox 360 and I was so jealous I was dreaming about ps3. We usually played fifa and mk. When I think now, he was such a noob at mk. He would pick ermac and just spam ranged abilities.God it was annoying.

Back then crying felt so bad, but it was so sweet. My emotions were so overflowing I was feeling myself like a real human being. I remember crying when I missed my brother who moved to another city. My mom used to hug and put me in a comfort. Other day I cried when I saw her sleeping on the sofa after a quarrel. During that times She would push me to get a job or degree and I as always refused to do neither. She told me about her struggles and fell asleep exhausted. As I was eating my dinner I cried. A lot. Looking at her my tears wouldn't stop. I kept eating and crying at the same time untill she woke up and hugged telling me that everything is alright.

I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could live for no one else
But now, through all the hurt and pain
It's time for me to respect
The ones you love mean more than anything

(komm, susser tod)

What can we do but mourn the loss of emotions? Adulthood is a truly grueling experience. I hope we can find something so that we can feel soon. Your memories are so warm and vivid. I'm almost jealous <3 Much love

 

[Labyrinth]

2024