darkenmydoorstep
Not Waving But Browned Off….
- Sep 27, 2023
- 516
Middle of the night here again. I'm thinking about the man I love and how he is with me. On paper he is one of those narcissists you read about. He love bombed me, backed off and when he feels he's going to lose me, he chucks me a few crumbs again. I've never met him but for 3.5 years now we've talked online.
And I'm so addicted. I really struggle with it. It twists my heart when I think of the things he used to say; way he used to be…..feels like he built me up only to drop me. But at the same time, this makes it sound like he does it on purpose and I know he has BPD and his mum fucked him up by being very abusive to him when he was a kid.
Then I've the man I live with. We've been 'together' nearly 24 years. He's a weed addict so there's mood swings there when he can't get any. Any connection we had is gone because he just reminds me of our son. To most people that would be nice but because my son is always hitting and spitting at me, it becomes all we ever talk about. All I think of is what bad chemistry we must have to have made such a child. I seek peace away from the aggression. Escapism. I want a person I can be with who is completely removed from any bullshit I have to deal with.
So there's someone else who is interested in me too. I am on a writing site and the other night he put a tune to my poem and it was so sweet of him. He was typing kisses and telling me I was really nice.
But whilst my life is so complicated and my heart is still with the narc, I wouldn't lead him on. It would be mean.
But I feel so very lonely and sad.
And I'm so addicted. I really struggle with it. It twists my heart when I think of the things he used to say; way he used to be…..feels like he built me up only to drop me. But at the same time, this makes it sound like he does it on purpose and I know he has BPD and his mum fucked him up by being very abusive to him when he was a kid.
Then I've the man I live with. We've been 'together' nearly 24 years. He's a weed addict so there's mood swings there when he can't get any. Any connection we had is gone because he just reminds me of our son. To most people that would be nice but because my son is always hitting and spitting at me, it becomes all we ever talk about. All I think of is what bad chemistry we must have to have made such a child. I seek peace away from the aggression. Escapism. I want a person I can be with who is completely removed from any bullshit I have to deal with.
So there's someone else who is interested in me too. I am on a writing site and the other night he put a tune to my poem and it was so sweet of him. He was typing kisses and telling me I was really nice.
But whilst my life is so complicated and my heart is still with the narc, I wouldn't lead him on. It would be mean.
But I feel so very lonely and sad.
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