Venting Just restarted an old bad habit

[Rue89]

Fuck, why did I do that?? I chewed up my tongue again. It's been months since I've done that. I thought I'd broken the habit that I had since I was a young kid. I think it's brought on by anxiety, kind of like biting fingernails. Now I have to be careful when talking with my mom, so she doesn't notice my tongue. She'll think it's canker sores caused by anxiety; that's what my doctor said it was (I lied and said I didn't know what happened). She won't let it go though. She'll want to know what's making me so anxious. I guess if she asks I'll just say it's nothing in particular. That's reasonable since I get that kind of anxiety all the time. I can't tell her the truth that it's from thinking about my ctb plans. A few days ago it hit me how my ctb will affect my cat. He'll have no clue what happened, and will think I abandoned him, and the thought of that hurts. Add that to my fears of having to ctb outside, the uncomfortable symptoms after drinking SN, and just the whole process of dying, and I'm an anxious mess. Thankfully I think I'm hiding my feelings pretty well. I just hope I can keep it up.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

did something happen that made you so anxious to the point where you chewed up your tongue? or was it just sudden?

 

[voidman]

That sounds painful.. I'm sorry you're so anxious. Good news is that tongues heal pretty fast most of the time

 

[Rue89]

did something happen that made you so anxious to the point where you chewed up your tongue? or was it just sudden?

The anxiety has been building up for a few days, since I made the realization about how my cat would react to me being gone.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i see. i don't really have any advice for you on that topic. all i can say is that i'm sorry you're suffering, and that you've been put in such an unfavorable situation.

 

[Stick]

I'm worried about a lot of the same stuff. I don't know how to make it better, but understand a bit how you feel.
I hope you can relax a little bit, but no pressure, I know it isn't easy at all. It might be good to talk to them about a fake cause of your anxiety, because from my experience holding it in can make it worse. If you come to them about a problem, they'll be less likely to see through the lie and wonder what you are hiding hopefully.
Your family might be concerned about the human members of the family more than your cat, so if you are worried about it then maybe you should leave a note reminding them to give your cat lots of extra affection to comfort it while it grieves with them. That's all the advice I have unfortunately.
I hope you can get through this

 

[Ghost2211]

Is your cat close with your mom?

 

[Niirvana]

I bite my lips, so I understand anxiety and more when you are thinking about how to carry out ctb

 

[Rue89]

Is your cat close with your mom?

Yes he's close with my mom too, but I'm his favorite. I'm hoping that he'll end up transferring those feelings to her. I'm also slightly worried that my mom might get rid of him when I'm gone. I wrote a note expressing my wishes that she keeps him and how he'll need her more than ever.

 

[Ghost2211]

Yes he's close with my mom too, but I'm his favorite. I'm hoping that he'll end up transferring those feelings to her. I'm also slightly worried that my mom might get rid of him when I'm gone. I wrote a note expressing my wishes that she keeps him and how he'll need her more than ever.

Why wouldn't she keep him? And yeah most animals move on easier than we do. There are exceptions, but for the most part.

 

[Rue89]

Why wouldn't she keep him? And yeah most animals move on easier than we do. There are exceptions, but for the most part.

I'm afraid that she won't feel up to taking care of him or that he'll remind her too much of me and she'll feel like she can't handle that. Also she thought about giving him up once before. This summer my family went on vacation; my brother and I were there a few days before mom joined us. During those few days my cat got a urinary tract infection. My mom admitted to me that for a second she considered leaving him outside the animal shelter because she had so much going on those few days and didn't want to deal with him.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm afraid that she won't feel up to taking care of him or that he'll remind her too much of me and she'll feel like she can't handle that. Also she thought about giving him up once before. This summer my family went on vacation; my brother and I were there a few days before mom joined us. During those few days my cat got a urinary tract infection. My mom admitted to me that for a second she considered leaving him outside the animal shelter because she had so much going on those few days and didn't want to deal with him.

Oh no... That's awful. Do you think if you made it known to her it was your last wish and last words that she love him forever would change anything?

 

[Rue89]

Oh no... That's awful. Do you think if you made it known to her it was your last wish and last words that she love him forever would change anything?

I think it might. I hope so. I'm going update my note and add more detail about how much he means to me.

 

[Ghost2211]

I think it might. I hope so. I'm going update my note and add more detail about how much he means to me.

Leave an extra copy of your note somewhere she can find it. The police might take the note.

 

[Rue89]

Leave an extra copy of your note somewhere she can find it. The police might take the note.

I will leave one in my room and bring another with me.

 

[Rue89]

Fuck, I did it again and it was still healing from last time. I wasn't even thinking about it, then I realized what I was doing. I wouldn't even care that much except what if I can't break the habit again, and I do it and it isn't healed when I drink SN? That sounds painful, salt on a wound. Ugh, hating myself and my lack of self-control right now.

 

[Ghost2211]

Well, you've heard the phrase salt in the wounds... not a big deal just swish with water real quick after.

im sorry to hear your anxiety is brining you so much pain. Mouth pain is the worst. Was tongue chewing just more accessible or is it preferred self harm method?

 

[Rue89]

Well, you've heard the phrase salt in the wounds... not a big deal just swish with water real quick after.

im sorry to hear your anxiety is brining you so much pain. Mouth pain is the worst. Was tongue chewing just more accessible or is it preferred self harm method?

It's definitely not my preferred method. I started doing it with I was young, maybe around 7 years old. I don't know why I started doing it. I don't remember self harm being on my mind then. It was more like I did it despite the pain. Later years I still did it out of habit but also for the pain. Now I'm not sure what brought it on or my exact motives since I thought I'd broken the habit. I just did it without thinking.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's definitely not my preferred method. I started doing it with I was young, maybe around 7 years old. I don't know why I started doing it. I don't remember self harm being on my mind then. It was more like I did it despite the pain. Later years I still did it out of habit but also for the pain. Now I'm not sure what brought it on or my exact motives since I thought I'd broken the habit. I just did it without thinking.

If you want to let your mouth heal you could try other ways of dealing with anxiety like snapping a rubber band on your wrist. Pretty it up with some random stuff and if your mom asks it's just your style.