trytrytryagain
Member
- Nov 30, 2023
- 26
Honestly I thought I recovered. I thought I knew how manage feelings but I can't. I can't trust anybody in my life and I'm tired.
The inciting incident is going to sound so minor compared to everybody else's problems but it's just a minor incident that makes all of my growth seem useless. I found out I failed a class today at uni, for the third time. I sound like an insufferable spoiled child but after the hell I went through last year, I just want a break, I hate school so much but I know I can't do anything else if I don't get a proper degree, but then again, does it matter? I can't do basic tasks my peers are able to, I can't hold a job, I can't take care of myself, I just have no stability in my social life or life in general. I just want to get my studies over with because I don't want to look like a fucking idiot. Most of my friends are graduating this year, and with this class requirement failed again, it feels like I'll never graduate. At least they'll be far away if I CTB.
I SHd today, it felt like such a relief. I hate saying that, but it really did. I really want it to be the last time, but I know it won't.
Last year was tough, being SAd multiple times and mostly recovering from other trauma from the year before. It just feels like I'll never grow out of it, like I'm stuck. It's like people see me as perfect prey for them to abuse. I can't handle being betrayed. I can't handle being the runt anymore.
Yesterday I got high way above my tolerance, it was a great trip, until I went to a party/get-together thing my friend invited me to. Obviously I was treated like a clown to everybody around me, the perfect person to make fun of because of my state. It was fine, it felt great that everybody was having fun, until it didn't. I started sobering up and at one point just realized that it was getting like too much. I didn't want to ruin everybody else's fun so I just pretended it was fine but it just made me realize that people always see me as such a trainwreck. I'm never really taken seriously by anybody ever really. I'm always either seen as one of the dumb person everybody makes fun of in the group. It's been like this all my life anyway.
Even romantically, I'm just discarded by every person I like when I'm 'no use' to them anymore. Which hurts, it just hurts so insanely much. Especially when I decide to be friends with them and they start flirting with others in front of me. I know I should just get over it, but it doesn't matter. The facts are I'm unlovable due to being assaulted multiple times, I'm useless to people.
I really feel like I'm actually doing something when I cut, like at least if I can't succeed at anything else, I can do this instead. I just hate the aftermath, because it just breeds more judgement from people during the summer when they see my scars.
I don't know, sorry for ranting so much, I just want to get out of this hole but it feels like I never will. Every stupid little thing gets to me.
The inciting incident is going to sound so minor compared to everybody else's problems but it's just a minor incident that makes all of my growth seem useless. I found out I failed a class today at uni, for the third time. I sound like an insufferable spoiled child but after the hell I went through last year, I just want a break, I hate school so much but I know I can't do anything else if I don't get a proper degree, but then again, does it matter? I can't do basic tasks my peers are able to, I can't hold a job, I can't take care of myself, I just have no stability in my social life or life in general. I just want to get my studies over with because I don't want to look like a fucking idiot. Most of my friends are graduating this year, and with this class requirement failed again, it feels like I'll never graduate. At least they'll be far away if I CTB.
I SHd today, it felt like such a relief. I hate saying that, but it really did. I really want it to be the last time, but I know it won't.
Last year was tough, being SAd multiple times and mostly recovering from other trauma from the year before. It just feels like I'll never grow out of it, like I'm stuck. It's like people see me as perfect prey for them to abuse. I can't handle being betrayed. I can't handle being the runt anymore.
Yesterday I got high way above my tolerance, it was a great trip, until I went to a party/get-together thing my friend invited me to. Obviously I was treated like a clown to everybody around me, the perfect person to make fun of because of my state. It was fine, it felt great that everybody was having fun, until it didn't. I started sobering up and at one point just realized that it was getting like too much. I didn't want to ruin everybody else's fun so I just pretended it was fine but it just made me realize that people always see me as such a trainwreck. I'm never really taken seriously by anybody ever really. I'm always either seen as one of the dumb person everybody makes fun of in the group. It's been like this all my life anyway.
Even romantically, I'm just discarded by every person I like when I'm 'no use' to them anymore. Which hurts, it just hurts so insanely much. Especially when I decide to be friends with them and they start flirting with others in front of me. I know I should just get over it, but it doesn't matter. The facts are I'm unlovable due to being assaulted multiple times, I'm useless to people.
I really feel like I'm actually doing something when I cut, like at least if I can't succeed at anything else, I can do this instead. I just hate the aftermath, because it just breeds more judgement from people during the summer when they see my scars.
I don't know, sorry for ranting so much, I just want to get out of this hole but it feels like I never will. Every stupid little thing gets to me.
