Thank you all so much for your kind words. I really need those thoughts right now. I don't know what to do. I believe that my spouse has been gaslighting me for years now. A therapist has helped to point out instances of emotional abuse, but I'm still not totally convinced. I know that I've dwindled into a shell of my former self, but I can't help but believe that I'm the problem. I can't help but think that I'm the one who has fucked everything up.
In the midst of it all, I made a gross miscalculation in my dealings with my spouse. I assumed that something he said recently was a lie/manipulation, but I was sorely mistaken. And it terms of mistakes, it was a fucking HUGE one. Idk, it feels like proof that I really AM the problem. Maybe I have merely manipulated my therapist into thinking that my husband is the problem? Maybe I am so broken that I don't even recognize my own delusions?
And honestly, even IF there really is emotional abuse in this relationship, it feels like I have little hope of getting out. Before I got married, I was making six figures with awesome health insurance. Now I have no job and few prospects. I've struggled with mental health issues for most of my life. I don't feel like I have any energy left to fight my way back to the surface.
At any rate, thanks for letting me vent.
I feel this. Everyone will be better off when I'm dead too, but mostly I will be better off because I was just used mostly for different things. I have had clear confirmation of the same and THATS why when certain delusional people on this site or my naive psychiatrist try to say there's hope and people care, I just laugh because it's so far from true and they think lying to us is somehow helpful. They think because someone gave a shit about them that we all have that like no babes, some of us really are better off dead and our so called "loved ones" let us know that in many different ways when they communicate with us.
I'm sorry you have been given such confirmation. It's like, we already know we are a burden but when you get the confirmation I feel it makes it even easier to pursue suicide because there's nothing preventing you at that point; you have the answer and then it all becomes so clear, at least, that's what happened when I was given confirmation on it
I so resonated with this, especially that second sentence. I thank you so much for writing to me so openly and candidly. My thoughts go out to you. (I wish I had something more thoughtful and affirming to say, but all I can think of is this: All of this sucks so hard, and I am so thankful that you made me feel a little less alone in the suckiness.)
