Not sure what the point of this post is, just needed to say it and this is the only place I have, sorry.
The last few days ctb has dominated my thoughts. I have been practicing partial with no success whatsoever. Last night I read the newer thread on hanging where the OP talks about how asking questions about rope diameter etc are really just delay tactics and if you are ready and want to ctb by hanging you'll just do it. This got me thinking about why I am delaying. Life is about the ups and downs, in the downs we learn and we grow which makes the next up possible and more worthwhile. I have recalled my ups and downs, the ups never got up very high but the downs always went increasingly deeper. I'm not learning from my downs, I don't progress. As with most people I have done something (work/realtionship/education), I fail, I wallow for a while and then I resolve to try harder and be more positive. It's just that I'm done with trying and failing because I don't know why I'm trying anymore.
With the covid lockdown I have enjoyed the fact that people weren't allowed out much. I don't live in a particularly noisy area but the past 2 months it has been really quiet, very little signs of life and for me that was great. Since the measures have been eased, and even though they have only been eased a bit, the signs of life are back and it's horrible. I live down a dead-end road but there has been none stop cars all day, I don't know what people are doing. All of my curtains are shut because I don't want to see the world and I don't want the world to see me but just hearing life going on outside is really getting to me. So it is pointless now for me to try again, apply for that job, try again at my degree, whatever because the thought of just being in the world is too much for me.
It's not that I've failed at things, everyone fails at things I get that. I just don't want to be part of the world anymore, it fills me with dread and despair. The pain and discomfort of ctb, even if it takes hours, is better than another 20 years (I looked on the death calculator, it reckons I've got about 20 years left) of this nightmare.
With this is mind I'm going to have a beer, have a shower and test out my full suspension set up.
Sorry for rambling, thanks for being there
The last few days ctb has dominated my thoughts. I have been practicing partial with no success whatsoever. Last night I read the newer thread on hanging where the OP talks about how asking questions about rope diameter etc are really just delay tactics and if you are ready and want to ctb by hanging you'll just do it. This got me thinking about why I am delaying. Life is about the ups and downs, in the downs we learn and we grow which makes the next up possible and more worthwhile. I have recalled my ups and downs, the ups never got up very high but the downs always went increasingly deeper. I'm not learning from my downs, I don't progress. As with most people I have done something (work/realtionship/education), I fail, I wallow for a while and then I resolve to try harder and be more positive. It's just that I'm done with trying and failing because I don't know why I'm trying anymore.
With the covid lockdown I have enjoyed the fact that people weren't allowed out much. I don't live in a particularly noisy area but the past 2 months it has been really quiet, very little signs of life and for me that was great. Since the measures have been eased, and even though they have only been eased a bit, the signs of life are back and it's horrible. I live down a dead-end road but there has been none stop cars all day, I don't know what people are doing. All of my curtains are shut because I don't want to see the world and I don't want the world to see me but just hearing life going on outside is really getting to me. So it is pointless now for me to try again, apply for that job, try again at my degree, whatever because the thought of just being in the world is too much for me.
It's not that I've failed at things, everyone fails at things I get that. I just don't want to be part of the world anymore, it fills me with dread and despair. The pain and discomfort of ctb, even if it takes hours, is better than another 20 years (I looked on the death calculator, it reckons I've got about 20 years left) of this nightmare.
With this is mind I'm going to have a beer, have a shower and test out my full suspension set up.
Sorry for rambling, thanks for being there
