Just put my thoughts down

[Jc40]

I feel hopeless thinking I won't be able to end it and and the same time I feel scared at the thought of ending it but know don't want to be around when I'm 40 still trying to ctb. I know life won't get better. When I had psychotic eposide I did things I never do, like jump on a train and ended up in different part of country and I kind of wish that again so I could put myself in danger as messed up as that sounds. I've tried partial hanging numerous times, I've tried mixing chemicals in my bathroom and just too powerful smell. I've tried starving myself but always succumb to eating. I've tried to go from carbon monoxide in a tent, I woke up spewing with a hole in my tent. Yeah not enough research so that's one glimmer of hope. I tried a pact, the guy was a f'ing predator who only wanted sex and then stalked me. He's not around now but it's put me off pacts cos I'm too gullible and niave at 36yrs old.
I handed in my notice at work today. That's one good thing. It gives me more time and I haven't gone to lawyer yet and sorted money for people. Haven't sorted funeral arrangements but once I've done them I'll prob feel better about going.

Being on this forum is scary cos of the amount of people but we're all here for the same end and that gives me comfort because so much knowledge but is intimidating cause even here folk don't get me but I'm not here to make friends.

I'll prob be here longer than had planned but hopefully not into the summer. I hate summer.

 

[freetoleave]

I read what you wrote, what draws my attention is that you define yourself as gullible and naive.

Firstly, You don't have to fully deliver yourself to anyone and take the risk of being hurt.
Secondly, You don't deserve to stay alone because some piece of shit betrayed you.

Hoping it can help.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I feel hopeless thinking I won't be able to end it and and the same time I feel scared at the thought of ending it but know don't want to be around when I'm 40 still trying to ctb. I know life won't get better. When I had psychotic eposide I did things I never do, like jump on a train and ended up in different part of country and I kind of wish that again so I could put myself in danger as messed up as that sounds. I've tried partial hanging numerous times, I've tried mixing chemicals in my bathroom and just too powerful smell. I've tried starving myself but always succumb to eating. I've tried to go from carbon monoxide in a tent, I woke up spewing with a hole in my tent. Yeah not enough research so that's one glimmer of hope. I tried a pact, the guy was a f'ing predator who only wanted sex and then stalked me. He's not around now but it's put me off pacts cos I'm too gullible and niave at 36yrs old.
I handed in my notice at work today. That's one good thing. It gives me more time and I haven't gone to lawyer yet and sorted money for people. Haven't sorted funeral arrangements but once I've done them I'll prob feel better about going.

Being on this forum is scary cos of the amount of people but we're all here for the same end and that gives me comfort because so much knowledge but is intimidating cause even here folk don't get me but I'm not here to make friends.

I'll prob be here longer than had planned but hopefully not into the summer. I hate summer.

IDK how you expect to get supplies for a suicide method if you quit your job. Unless you have a bit saved up already.

 

[Jc40]

I read what you wrote, what draws my attention is that you define yourself as gullible and naive.

Firstly, You don't have to fully deliver yourself to anyone and take the risk of being hurt.
Secondly, You don't deserve to stay alone because some piece of shit betrayed you.

Hoping it can help.

I'm too trusting, I don't know how to spot those who aren't genuine. Thanks, he was a piece of shit but I will be alone, I don't bother looking anymore.

IDK how you expect to get supplies for a suicide method if you quit your job. Unless you have a bit saved up already.

I've got a little saved up. I'm on benefits too but know tories will make things more difficult after brexit.

 

[Jc40]

I got a postcard from where I work (4 weeks notice) through the door and I saw the manager when I was leaving today. She said could find ways to help so didn't need to leave. The card says Dear J...., I was so sorry to get your letter and obviously we really don't want you to leave - you are part of our team and you are so brilliant to have in (name of work), as well as being so good at your job too!
Is there anything we can do to help? Would you like to come in for a chat to 4 people's names? We can support you to see if we can find a way around things without you leaving perhaps? Let me know what you think, Persons name.
P. S. Text me if you like.

It's not a normal work place as you can see, they're very accommodating. I'm finding it harder to do the work. Forgetting what I am doing even though I keep the days jobs in my pocket. I get to wear casual clothes which is excellent for me because I have a thing about not wearing different clothes. I get to wear trainers.
I'm not worried about when time comes to take sn. I just worried about my ability to do a good job at work, to not want to walk out. I don't want to be angry and punch pillars, I don't want to cry when I'm cleaning the toilets. I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning even though I'm laying awake waiting for alarms to go off.
I feel more depressed than usual. I might ask if I can work alternate days but unsure if will make things worse because I'll still have to catch up with days I miss. I had 2 panic attacks a few weeks ago while I was leaving to go there and I texted saying couldn't go in and the person texted back trying to help and said health comes first.
I think I should cancel my termination but I don't know if I'll feel any better for it.

 

[Jc40]

I feel like this is a good place to put my thoughts, even if no one replies. I guess it's just a online journal though didn't intend that when made first post. I hope this isn't breaking the rules, if it is I'll stop.
Writing is physically hard, my fingers ache, they're burning and jaggy. My legs ache and my feet have pins and needles.
Feeling sad, tearful way but I cannot cry.
I will stay on at work.
Hate feeling like this. Hope primeran (sp) makes it past customs. The National - About Today, think of my bro when I hear this. Not heard from him in a while, we all have shit to deal with. Nobody is left alone. What a cruel world we've made.

 

[Jc40]

Listening to a created classical playlist. Had breakthrough pain last two days that co codamals don't touch. Have tramadol that stole off my dad but not taken any, tried to put them back but there was boxes of pills on top so I didn't. Just took five olanzapine in hope for long sleep to block out emotional state and pain. Really wish I had somebody in my life that could hold me when like this, they wouldn't relieve how am but at least I wouldn't be alone. Life feels so f'ing pointless, I feel so worthless. No amount of writing will release how I feel. No amount of tears release my sadness right now and then life says fuck you we'll make it so you can't cry and everything builds up and I'm unable to let it out so it's a storm inside me. I don't know how other people deal with worse. Texted boss saying not going to be in tomorrow.

 

[Jc40]

I regret my decision to keep my job. I texted saying won't be in today. I might go back on a anti depressant. I might call my cpn today.

 

[Jc40]

TRIGGER WARNING for self harm


Was cleaning out a cupboard with my mum today. We found a bag of letters I'd kept. I started reading out loud one from my mum. It was written when I was 15. It was her getting angry at finding alcohol in my room at home (I went to a weekly boarding school for 'fragile children when was 15) saying how bad I was and she couldn't trust me. I said to her that's what 15yr olds do. Then she went on about how bad I was at school and home, that running away from school was bad, that putting the phone down on her (when at school) was bad, that smoking at school was bad, I said I was addicted and I'd tried to stop. I said it's so long ago why are you still holding stuff against me and she said it was wrong what I did. Did she even ask why I ran away from school, or put phone down on her when both screaming at each other. Fucken hell I am so angry I have self harmed and feel so damn good about the blood on my arm, I feel relief at hurting myself and getting this out of me, damn sure I can't confide in my mum when she's still holding shit I've done when was young against me.

Fucking hell I am not a fucking child. And to top it off I found a 12 page suicide note when I was 19.
Why the fuck did I think did I not do it, why the hell did I think things would get better.
You're meant to confide in your family, have support.
I'm moaning like a wean but just anger at my mum never getting over stuff that teenagers do, always holding shit against me