S
spinningship
Student
- Dec 20, 2022
- 167
I don't want to anymore. I know how the film ends I know how it plays out it's just downhill from here. Anything short of a fucking miracle means i'm going to be a fucking dead beat loser end of my degree. I feel like with autism you either are a genius and change the world or you're not given a fucking thing. I'm lucky to have some level of talent but not enough. Even if I did what would that make me? Just a resource to be plundered by the world. They never really care about you no matter what you do.
It's hard to explain some days I wake up feeling more autistic than other days and it's just like my whole body is off and my face is off the entire day.
I just know i'll never be able to fit in anywhere. And i'm treated like i'm hostile when i'm just trying to survive. I genuinely think life would be fun if I could comfortably socialise with others. So much interesting shit to do. Can't do any of it on your own. I wish I could be happy on my own, and I am a lot of the time but some days it just eats away at you.
I can't even blame society I know how I come off and I know why i'm interpreted that way, my voice is monotone and my facial expression are forced and I don't make eye contact. Nothing I say sounds genuine. Of course people don't like me. I make them uncomfortable it's better for everyone I just stick to myself.
But it's so fucking lonely on my own I hate it so much every second on my own is torture.
I'm at a top uni but it doesn't feel like an achievement to me it just feels like I got in because I was obsessed with maths to the exclusion of everything that really matters, so even thinking about it just makes me feel like a loser.
The worst part of being at this uni is i'm surrounded by very wealthy, charismatic people privately educated who seem like they've never had to worry about anything in their lives. They are having the time of their lives and living so freely and going to all these fancy events and parties and things. It's not like I really want to be at these events but feeling like I can't go to anything without there being a glass wall between me and the rest of society is so hard. It's like a mirage seeing people living this glamorous lifestyle in front of me.
I mean really the whole point of existence is to connect with other people. If you can't genuinely connect with others i'm sorry you may as well never have existed.
I've often wondered if this is what hell is. I wonder what the fuck I did in a previous life to deserve this. Like you would have to think for a long fucking time to come up with this awful of a punishment. It's a work of genius autism. Literally the worst thing that any could possibly experience.
The thing that is keeping me going is my family and a kind of pipe dream of maybe contributing to ai research because I feel i'm quite well placed to be able to participate in the next few years and it's fascinating to me. Maybe they could cure autism I don't know.
I thought I had nd friends but even the people i'm kind of friendly with are distant and hard to reach. I feel I have good conversations with people in person but i'm doing something wrong in the in between periods to drive them away. I have no idea about texting etiquette or any of that shit so I just don't text unless they reach out to me. I suppose even for other autistic people i'm too aloof.
It's hard to explain some days I wake up feeling more autistic than other days and it's just like my whole body is off and my face is off the entire day.
I just know i'll never be able to fit in anywhere. And i'm treated like i'm hostile when i'm just trying to survive. I genuinely think life would be fun if I could comfortably socialise with others. So much interesting shit to do. Can't do any of it on your own. I wish I could be happy on my own, and I am a lot of the time but some days it just eats away at you.
I can't even blame society I know how I come off and I know why i'm interpreted that way, my voice is monotone and my facial expression are forced and I don't make eye contact. Nothing I say sounds genuine. Of course people don't like me. I make them uncomfortable it's better for everyone I just stick to myself.
But it's so fucking lonely on my own I hate it so much every second on my own is torture.
I'm at a top uni but it doesn't feel like an achievement to me it just feels like I got in because I was obsessed with maths to the exclusion of everything that really matters, so even thinking about it just makes me feel like a loser.
The worst part of being at this uni is i'm surrounded by very wealthy, charismatic people privately educated who seem like they've never had to worry about anything in their lives. They are having the time of their lives and living so freely and going to all these fancy events and parties and things. It's not like I really want to be at these events but feeling like I can't go to anything without there being a glass wall between me and the rest of society is so hard. It's like a mirage seeing people living this glamorous lifestyle in front of me.
I mean really the whole point of existence is to connect with other people. If you can't genuinely connect with others i'm sorry you may as well never have existed.
I've often wondered if this is what hell is. I wonder what the fuck I did in a previous life to deserve this. Like you would have to think for a long fucking time to come up with this awful of a punishment. It's a work of genius autism. Literally the worst thing that any could possibly experience.
The thing that is keeping me going is my family and a kind of pipe dream of maybe contributing to ai research because I feel i'm quite well placed to be able to participate in the next few years and it's fascinating to me. Maybe they could cure autism I don't know.
I thought I had nd friends but even the people i'm kind of friendly with are distant and hard to reach. I feel I have good conversations with people in person but i'm doing something wrong in the in between periods to drive them away. I have no idea about texting etiquette or any of that shit so I just don't text unless they reach out to me. I suppose even for other autistic people i'm too aloof.