Tonight, I finally committed to ctb by ordering SN from the jungle website. I've been expressing passive suicidal ideations to family and friends for months now. Hell, I've even told my psychiatrist and therapist that I don't want to live anymore. It's seemed like idle threats until I finally made the purchase. Just prior to that, I had a huge blow-up with God over my ruined life. Screaming and swearing so loud that I didn't care if I woke up the whole neighborhood. They all know that I'm bonkers anyway. Though the last thing I would need is for one of them to call the cops to have me hauled away to the hospital for yet another psych evaluation. So, better to channel my anger towards finally committing to the very thing that I've been threatening all along. It's been more or less a good run but now it's over. Actually, it was over nearly two years ago when I hit rock bottom after a four and a half year addiction to crystal meth, the last two years during which I experienced psychosis - but this is fodder for another whole thread maybe. Anyway, unlike many of you, I've enjoyed a relatively good life and health, both physical and mental, up until my addiction, which was the result of a foolish mid-life crisis. That's right - in my mid-50s, I decided that it was a good idea to become a junkie. And so, as a result, I ruined my career, my reputation, my finances, my mental health, and in the long run, my physical health - all because I was lonely and had deluded myself into thinking that drug use was a good way to meet guys and have sex. Did I mention that I'm gay? Since I stopped using a year and a half ago, I finally came to my senses and realized the full cost of my addiction. But at that point, it was far too late. Even though my family and friends are encouraged by my sobriety and are hopeful that I can somehow reclaim my life from the wreckage, a full recovery is not in the cards as I've only been spiraling downwards into an ever deeper depression that is resistant to every med I've tried. Then last summer, I developed anxiety and started having panic attacks that have only become more crippling with each passing day. I've been unemployed for nearly two years now and have no income. I have no prospects for resuming my career and I refuse to become a minimum wage slave. So I stay in bed all day bemoaning my fate, engaged in self-loathing and negative thinking. Talk therapy and mindfulness meditation are of no use as I made my mind up to ctb long ago. I'm just tired and no longer get any pleasure from living. The things that used to bring me joy have become meaningless. I don't even enjoy the taste of food anymore. I'm simply done and I want out. Now that my SN is on the way, I need to focus on getting my financial affairs in order. I would like to ctb by June at the latest, but I don't have a will and I do have assets that I would like my sisters to inherit as they will be left with the task of having to empty my house and sell it. I worry about my elderly mother, who will be destroyed by my death, but ultimately I cannot see myself going on much beyond the next few months as I've already reached my limit with this overwhelming and debilitating depression and anxiety. If you've read this far, thanks for allowing me to vent as, like many if not all of you, I have no other healthy outlets to express my resolve to ctb.
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