Venting Just ordered SN

[jinmaopoison]

Just ordered from a random chinese seller on WhatsApp I hope it comes. I dont know what ill do if it does when my parents are home and they look through the package. I'll have to make something up about it being a supplement. I stupidly tried to "OD" on caffeine pills and my parents took away the bottle after I passed out so I feel like theyre keeping an eye on the mail now.
But right now it feels like a massive weight has lifted from my shoulders and I can finally breathe, knowing I actually have the means to end it all. It's so comforting knowing that its right there, waiting for me. I don't have a set date planned for doing it yet though. I still want to do something fun and stupid and risky because why not? I may as well at this point. Maybe I'll wait until my parents die before I do it. Theyre old and cant handle it and will die from heart break and I cant imagine doing that to them. Or maybe ill just do it anyway and embrace this selfish part of me. Fuck I wish I was just an alcoholic or had access to street drugs. Im tired of not having anything or anyone to lean on when im tired. I never have the emotional or mental bandwidth to want to do to anything. Im so tired of living like this. I think just keeping SN around will make me feel a lot better and motivate me to try and work hard. But that makes absolutely no sense and I dont know how to explain why. Just shouting into the void here but its okay.

 

[steppen_wolf]

funnily enough i just ordered some too, after pondering for weeks (it's easier to access in my country).

i think once (if) it arrives it's gonna be all i think about. but i do think having access to it will make me "feel better", even though it's paradoxical.

 

[jinmaopoison]

funnily enough i just ordered some too, after pondering for weeks (it's easier to access in my country).

i think once (if) it arrives it's gonna be all i think about. but i do think having access to it will make me "feel better", even though it's paradoxical.

I'm so glad im not the only one I thought there was something deeply wrong with me lmao

 

[steppen_wolf]

I'm so glad im not the only one I thought there was something deeply wrong with me lmao

i'm glad you feel less alone, but i reckon there's something deeply wrong with most of us here lol

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

Just got mine a few days ago. It does change somehow the way I think. Just by looking at it, a mix of excitement, dread, guilt, worry, comfort, freedom and many more. Just a cacophony of everyday, normal human emotions, blasting inside me all at once.