Venting Just need validation

[thesighofleaves]

I just need someone to say it's okay to leave. It's okay to even want to leave. I have close friends and I can't even talk to them because of their own selfishness. Every time I bring up suicideation the first thing out of their mouths is how sad they would be if I go.

But what about what I want? What about how I feel? After 16 years of the same bullshit that's pushing me to go that has never gotten better, when I can no longer see any way out, when the stress of it is destroying my body, when I've tried everything I could and nothing works. Why can't they just hug me and tell me that it's okay? That I tried so hard and they see me and they understand and they don't blame me?

Everyone wants to be an ear but they don't want to hear me. And don't even get me started on saying anything to normies who will lock you up at the slightest whiff of these thoughts, even philosophical, even metaphorical, even if they misunderstand something you said and you weren't even actually suicidal at the time (happened to me!)

Everything with people is an argument. Trying to get what I need to live always results in profound difficulty. It's a fight. I have to yell and scream and even then I almost never get it. And I don't want to live in a world where I have to get angry and desperate enough to even have to yell and scream (and have that most likely not work, too).

I can't be heard when I have needs. I can't be heard on what I really feel. Constant invalidation. I just don't want to be. Please someone just tell me that I tried hard and it's okay to not be.

 

[derpyderpins]

Your feelings and thoughts are valid. People . . . let's say humans are weak and easily frightened. As this site shows, it's not unnatural or wrong to question existence.

You've clearly been trying. Of course you have! You're hurting and you want to stop hurting.

As far as age, I personally don't normally look at whether ctb is valid based on age so much as what might still change in your life, but that's not the point of this post. At minimum it's definitely okay for you to consider "not be"-ing at some point.

 

[thesighofleaves]

Your feelings and thoughts are valid. People . . . let's say humans are weak and easily frightened. As this site shows, it's not unnatural or wrong to question existence.

You've clearly been trying. Of course you have! You're hurting and you want to stop hurting.

As far as age, I personally don't normally look at whether ctb is valid based on age so much as what might still change in your life, but that's not the point of this post. At minimum it's definitely okay for you to consider "not be"-ing at some point.

For clarification, I'm not 16. I'm 31. It's just the stuff has been happening for 16 years and it hasn't gotten better no matter how much someone's told me to try and hold out.

Nothing has gotten better. I'm tired of trying. I want to die. And I wish my friends could respect my desire to die over constantly telling me to change my mind.

It's like being bingoed for being childfree...but infinitely worse.
Anyway, thank you...I'm so out of it right now.