How does alone turn to lonely so fast? You just tell yourself that you like your own company, that you prefer being alone. But soon that turns to isolation. You break your phone, and you realize that you don't miss talking to your friends. So you stop going out with them. You completely blank them off, without even sending them a text to explain. Slowly, over months, you go out less and less. 'It's fine. I'm fine', you tell yourself. But before you know it, this has become normal. The thought of stepping outside your door fills your body with dread and anxiety. You practice talking in front of the mirror to open the door to a delivery man. And even then, half the time you don't even answer the door, rather having the package not delivered than to speak to another person. Every day begins to fade into another. Every day is the same, but you're comfortable, you're safe. Away from all the bull shit that people add to your life, but also away from the joy that relationships and friendships bring you. So life is now empty. Meaningless. And time is passing by. A week or two of not going out becomes months, months become years. Now even looking at the date gives you anxiety. You know you're wasting time. You know life is passing you by and one day you'll wake up and wonder what you did with your life. You know you should do something. But you can't.
Now you're stuck. You want to live life, but anxiety, depression and isolation stop you. Yes, you're missing out, but why bother leaving the comfort of your room when the mere thought of it is enough to make you vomit. The biggest dilemma of all time. Remain static in time, with no meaning to your life but with a comfortable, easy one. Or make the leap, go out and see the world and deal with the anxiety. And where would you even start? You can't just go for a walk, it's a small town and you're bound to bump into an old friend, who would ask you where you've been and why you haven't responded to them. But you can't just get on a train somewhere hundreds of miles away. How would you talk to the man at the ticket office? How would you go to the toilet, or eat a sandwich in public? People will stare at you. People will watch you. They'll think you're weird and awkward. How do you buy a coffee? What if you forget your card pin? What if the barista judges your order? A million thoughts and fears for the simplest task. You want to experience things, be happy. You do. But what's the point? That's the difficult option.
So instead, you keep living the same day over and over. Maybe one day things will get better. Maybe one day you won't be scared anymore.
Now you're stuck. You want to live life, but anxiety, depression and isolation stop you. Yes, you're missing out, but why bother leaving the comfort of your room when the mere thought of it is enough to make you vomit. The biggest dilemma of all time. Remain static in time, with no meaning to your life but with a comfortable, easy one. Or make the leap, go out and see the world and deal with the anxiety. And where would you even start? You can't just go for a walk, it's a small town and you're bound to bump into an old friend, who would ask you where you've been and why you haven't responded to them. But you can't just get on a train somewhere hundreds of miles away. How would you talk to the man at the ticket office? How would you go to the toilet, or eat a sandwich in public? People will stare at you. People will watch you. They'll think you're weird and awkward. How do you buy a coffee? What if you forget your card pin? What if the barista judges your order? A million thoughts and fears for the simplest task. You want to experience things, be happy. You do. But what's the point? That's the difficult option.
So instead, you keep living the same day over and over. Maybe one day things will get better. Maybe one day you won't be scared anymore.
