Quarky00
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2019
- 1,956
Ready to ctb for months now (nonchalant about it) but today validated that -
(1) Negotiated with landlord - must clear flat by January 25. Lived here 15 years.
(2) An hour later... another disability assessment / social security evaluation. 4-doctor panel, shooting-range, could hardly say a word.
(3) I then called my social worker. "End of Year Assessment". They don't work this week - just do internal paperwork.
I was prepared for all of it. Still tough. The dismissive attitude bemused me, considering (2)+(3) know I'm exiting. And (1), well, I guess he'll find the body (sorry for cruelty: long story of abusive landlord and me not caring anymore). I'm otherwise mellow by nature, despite anxiety. Not very impulsive or capricious. Coming to terms was a gradual consistent process. Last 3 years were a 100 mile journey, and today was simply like seeing the "Mile 99" sign.
Back home. Exhausted. Sat down. Troubled. Then it hit me. Everything is behind me. Smiled.
Random glancing, and there it was, on the table....
I picked up my SN bottle and kissed it... Oh not just one, many
Utterly ridiculous.
Huge comfort & relief.
I wish I could go to the countryside, for a month or two. Nothing special. Shove me in a cabin. Reflecting on that imaginary scenario, it wouldn't solve problems. But it might have given me peace of mind, chance to recover. Well, in a way, I am.. "going to live on a farm" (And not the funny farm!)
So going to chillax next 3 weeks.
Quite fun - no more laundry or dishes! - use & throw away :) .... it became difficult, get injured fall etc
------
Just sharing my piece of life, it'd be too excruciating to detail my conditions, and quit pointless as I'm 'over it'. Nothing terminal but barely eat/function. Feels like comatose patient. Food in, food out, barely, nothing more. Pain, insomnia, malnutrition, GI, etc took their toll - my body just shuts down (or acts up). Hospitals at 130% capacity. Nonprofits/charities overstretched (children first). No family, friends, money; nor am I physically able to pack. Obviously many issues date back more than just 3 years. I don't feel loneliness, and I'm fine with everything. I wouldn't want anyone to be sadden - I don't feel pain anymore - I'm kinda "happy".
(1) Negotiated with landlord - must clear flat by January 25. Lived here 15 years.
(2) An hour later... another disability assessment / social security evaluation. 4-doctor panel, shooting-range, could hardly say a word.
(3) I then called my social worker. "End of Year Assessment". They don't work this week - just do internal paperwork.
I was prepared for all of it. Still tough. The dismissive attitude bemused me, considering (2)+(3) know I'm exiting. And (1), well, I guess he'll find the body (sorry for cruelty: long story of abusive landlord and me not caring anymore). I'm otherwise mellow by nature, despite anxiety. Not very impulsive or capricious. Coming to terms was a gradual consistent process. Last 3 years were a 100 mile journey, and today was simply like seeing the "Mile 99" sign.
Back home. Exhausted. Sat down. Troubled. Then it hit me. Everything is behind me. Smiled.
Random glancing, and there it was, on the table....
I picked up my SN bottle and kissed it... Oh not just one, many
Utterly ridiculous.
Huge comfort & relief.
I wish I could go to the countryside, for a month or two. Nothing special. Shove me in a cabin. Reflecting on that imaginary scenario, it wouldn't solve problems. But it might have given me peace of mind, chance to recover. Well, in a way, I am.. "going to live on a farm"
(And not the funny farm!)So going to chillax next 3 weeks.
Quite fun - no more laundry or dishes! - use & throw away :) .... it became difficult, get injured fall etc
------
Just sharing my piece of life, it'd be too excruciating to detail my conditions, and quit pointless as I'm 'over it'. Nothing terminal but barely eat/function. Feels like comatose patient. Food in, food out, barely, nothing more. Pain, insomnia, malnutrition, GI, etc took their toll - my body just shuts down (or acts up). Hospitals at 130% capacity. Nonprofits/charities overstretched (children first). No family, friends, money; nor am I physically able to pack. Obviously many issues date back more than just 3 years. I don't feel loneliness, and I'm fine with everything. I wouldn't want anyone to be sadden - I don't feel pain anymore - I'm kinda "happy".
