Story Just joined, lurked for awhile

[Notf1xable]

I finally joined after lurking for awhile. I've been suicidal off and on since I was in my teens. I feel terrible about it, because some parts of my life had been semi good. I saw a story I could relate to and it gave me the courage to join.

I'm in my early 30s, since I was 18 I've been stalked at least 2 separate time. One by an ex that was cheating on me the entire relationship. The second time happened for 6 plus years and my soon to be ex husband may have been involved. I had a breakdown after my ex left and thought I was going to self immolate, but I gave up on that plan and sought help. It was nice to finally have my trauma recognized. Because the whole time everything was happening the police said there was nothing they could do. I had money go missing from accounts, I switched bank accounts multiple times. Got new phone numbers, moved, deleted and then restarted new media accounts. No matter what I did this person did it on and offline. My husband was not supportive during the stalking and I caught him cheating several times. He said I was "too depressed" and every time before I caught him, he would always accuse me.

When I did commit myself they found barbiturates in my system. At first they accused me of doing drugs (I don't judge people that do, trauma and life can be a mess) but I was insulted. I've worked in the medical field with access so it was kinda insulting tbh. My family called the place and gave them a piece if their mind, I was just diagnosed with depression their. I went to a dv shelter so I would not he found and be "safe". I did not have a good or experience that I felt safe their, and I was diagnosed with ptsd.

I wake up with nightmares, I wonder why would someone I'm supposed to trust and said these vows to hurt me so much? The messages and harassment started when him and I met. I don't understand, I'd like to think of myself as somewhat logical. And I try and put all the pieces together. There are other reasons from my childhood that are reasons why I want to ctb. This person new all my hurt and pain and proceeded to put me through so much more. And I don't understand why.
Sorry for the long introduction.

 

[trynacbt]

I'm so sorry to hear you went through all of this... I can't imagine it. It sounds very scary and stifling. As a very paranoid person myself I don't think I'd be able to bear it.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I hope that you can find some sense of comfort on this site. Can I ask if you feel you are in a safe place now? Have the messages/harassment stopped?

 

[Notf1xable]

I get calls on my number I have just for my husband that are numbers I don't know. I guess I'm safe, but I don't want to say 100 percent. I took a lot things offline and he tried to add me on another social media. And that worried me because that means he has been keeping tabs on me. The messages have stopped but I keep trying to make sense of them, because of several different things he said before he left.

I had a small group of friends before everything happened and I'm pretty isolated now. No one wants to talk to someone that wants to ctb. I bought a gun at one point for both self protection and to ctb, but I was too scared to pull the trigger. I've since chosen another method I'm confident I can get pretty much everything beside one thing. I'm not sure how I'll get it but I'm hoping to try. I'm hoping to ctb by the end of the year.

 

[Rachel74]

Welcome to SS and we are here to help and comfort you and thank you for sharing your story

 

[Return2Dust]

I finally joined after lurking for awhile. I've been suicidal off and on since I was in my teens. I feel terrible about it, because some parts of my life had been semi good. I saw a story I could relate to and it gave me the courage to join.

I'm in my early 30s, since I was 18 I've been stalked at least 2 separate time. One by an ex that was cheating on me the entire relationship. The second time happened for 6 plus years and my soon to be ex husband may have been involved. I had a breakdown after my ex left and thought I was going to self immolate, but I gave up on that plan and sought help. It was nice to finally have my trauma recognized. Because the whole time everything was happening the police said there was nothing they could do. I had money go missing from accounts, I switched bank accounts multiple times. Got new phone numbers, moved, deleted and then restarted new media accounts. No matter what I did this person did it on and offline. My husband was not supportive during the stalking and I caught him cheating several times. He said I was "too depressed" and every time before I caught him, he would always accuse me.

When I did commit myself they found barbiturates in my system. At first they accused me of doing drugs (I don't judge people that do, trauma and life can be a mess) but I was insulted. I've worked in the medical field with access so it was kinda insulting tbh. My family called the place and gave them a piece if their mind, I was just diagnosed with depression their. I went to a dv shelter so I would not he found and be "safe". I did not have a good or experience that I felt safe their, and I was diagnosed with ptsd.

I wake up with nightmares, I wonder why would someone I'm supposed to trust and said these vows to hurt me so much? The messages and harassment started when him and I met. I don't understand, I'd like to think of myself as somewhat logical. And I try and put all the pieces together. There are other reasons from my childhood that are reasons why I want to ctb. This person new all my hurt and pain and proceeded to put me through so much more. And I don't understand why.
Sorry for the long introduction.

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. Have you looked up Narcissism or Narcissistic abuse? Healing from a relationship like this is possible, but it takes time and a ton of work. By the time I got out of my relationship with a narcissist, I didn't recognize myself. He stripped everything from me. You can heal. There's hope.

 

[Notf1xable]

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. Have you looked up Narcissism or Narcissistic abuse? Healing from a relationship like this is possible, but it takes time and a ton of work. By the time I got out of my relationship with a narcissist, I didn't recognize myself. He stripped everything from me. You can heal. There's hope. ❤

I have, he was diagnosed with that among other things before we got together, but I didn't want to be the woman that judged a man. He was going to counseling and so was I for my depression when we met. I should have taken it seriously and researched, but he told me so many horror stories about his exes and I just wanted to believe him. He's taken everything and then some from me. The fact he is still keeping tabs worries and confuses me. He blamed me for being stalked when we were together. I'm sure if I put the work in I could, but even repeating my story it feels so unreal to me. I know what I experienced but it messes with my head so much. I want to not feel the pain I felt. I grew up saying I would never get married, because of how I grew up. When we met I told him that, he knew I took a chance doing that. I'm not old fashion by any means, but when I said my vows I meant them. I still remember getting messages telling me to have the marriage annulled and it wasn't a real marriage because he was already married. I looked to see and could not find any records of proof of what was said. I was threatened with miscarriage of our oldest son when I was pregnant and I have neither. When he left he brought me alcohol when he would pick up the kids. I stopped drinking after I left the house and I haven't drank since, my family think he was drugging and getting me to drink to push me to the edge. Some days I wish whoever (I can't prove it was him) had succeeded in drugging me to death. He would watch shows and joke about killing me for the insurance money. He was apparently also getting a lot of money from my grandma by asking her for it, and saying it was for me. She said he either had a drug problem, gambling problem a girlfriend or all 3. I just didn't want to believe this man that was supposed to be different could hurt me.

 

[Return2Dust]

I have, he was diagnosed with that among other things before we got together, but I didn't want to be the woman that judged a man. He was going to counseling and so was I for my depression when we met. I should have taken it seriously and researched, but he told me so many horror stories about his exes and I just wanted to believe him. He's taken everything and then some from me. The fact he is still keeping tabs worries and confuses me. He blamed me for being stalked when we were together. I'm sure if I put the work in I could, but even repeating my story it feels so unreal to me. I know what I experienced but it messes with my head so much. I want to not feel the pain I felt. I grew up saying I would never get married, because of how I grew up. When we met I told him that, he knew I took a chance doing that. I'm not old fashion by any means, but when I said my vows I meant them. I still remember getting messages telling me to have the marriage annulled and it wasn't a real marriage because he was already married. I looked to see and could not find any records of proof of what was said. I was threatened with miscarriage of our oldest son when I was pregnant and I have neither. When he left he brought me alcohol when he would pick up the kids. I stopped drinking after I left the house and I haven't drank since, my family think he was drugging and getting me to drink to push me to the edge. Some days I wish whoever (I can't prove it was him) had succeeded in drugging me to death. He would watch shows and joke about killing me for the insurance money. He was apparently also getting a lot of money from my grandma by asking her for it, and saying it was for me. She said he either had a drug problem, gambling problem a girlfriend or all 3. I just didn't want to believe this man that was supposed to be different could hurt me.

They're really good at what they do, which is draining the life blood out of their victims. My suicide attempts started in my marriage to him. I just wanted out.

 

[Notf1xable]

They're really good at what they do, which is draining the life blood out of their victims. My suicide attempts started in my marriage to him. I just wanted out.

I had one attempt when we were still together because of the messages and the a message said if I didn't get help it was implied they would hurt him and our son we had together. So I ended up going to the hospital, the Dr said it shouldn't be me trying to ctb it should be the person sending the messages. I wanted to be like "how about you have everything you do all day put under a microscope and turned around against you". He didn't let me get put in psych after and I went home and went to work the next day with the fact I failed being used against me in the messages. It wouldn't have worked anyway and I only know that now because of working in the medical field. In our ER at the hospital we had a list of stuff and what had antidotes and what didn't. At one point I had a plan, I never said it out loud or carried it out but I'm pretty sure part of that was what I was being drugged with. I remember working and randomly feeling like I was on fire, my heart beating a million miles an hour and feeling like I was going to faint. I also have a little heart problem but not enough to kill me, unfortunately. I did try and starve myself but that didn't work either. I tried my best to see the good things he did. He was ridiculously passive aggressive and I confronted him on that and gaslighting within the last 3 years. He denied it, and said I was imagining stuff. He blamed it on me going back to school, the Reddit forums I read. A lot were informal about abuse and some just of men being cruel to women. I tried to understand the messages I was getting. I was called a whore and stuff like that even though I wasn't doing anything but work and coming home taking care of the kids. No matter what I did it was never good enough, gained weight cause I was "too skinny" lost weight cause I was "too fat". I was submissive and then I gained a back bone. I tried so many different things, read different pill stuff. Tried to inform myself by asking men of different communities what I could do. It was never enough. I hate myself for still caring, because the stuff started from the beginning and we were together 3 years before we got married. He didn't even know me then, so why the stuff would have started then makes no sense. Some days I feel like he just wanted to destroy me just to do it. Other days I remember how kind and gentle he was at times. I can't understand and put the two together. Even the messages switched between loving me and calling me a whore.

 

[Return2Dust]

I had one attempt when we were still together because of the messages and the a message said if I didn't get help it was implied they would hurt him and our son we had together. So I ended up going to the hospital, the Dr said it shouldn't be me trying to ctb it should be the person sending the messages. I wanted to be like "how about you have everything you do all day put under a microscope and turned around against you". He didn't let me get put in psych after and I went home and went to work the next day with the fact I failed being used against me in the messages. It wouldn't have worked anyway and I only know that now because of working in the medical field. In our ER at the hospital we had a list of stuff and what had antidotes and what didn't. At one point I had a plan, I never said it out loud or carried it out but I'm pretty sure part of that was what I was being drugged with. I remember working and randomly feeling like I was on fire, my heart beating a million miles an hour and feeling like I was going to faint. I also have a little heart problem but not enough to kill me, unfortunately. I did try and starve myself but that didn't work either. I tried my best to see the good things he did. He was ridiculously passive aggressive and I confronted him on that and gaslighting within the last 3 years. He denied it, and said I was imagining stuff. He blamed it on me going back to school, the Reddit forums I read. A lot were informal about abuse and some just of men being cruel to women. I tried to understand the messages I was getting. I was called a whore and stuff like that even though I wasn't doing anything but work and coming home taking care of the kids. No matter what I did it was never good enough, gained weight cause I was "too skinny" lost weight cause I was "too fat". I was submissive and then I gained a back bone. I tried so many different things, read different pill stuff. Tried to inform myself by asking men of different communities what I could do. It was never enough. I hate myself for still caring, because the stuff started from the beginning and we were together 3 years before we got married. He didn't even know me then, so why the stuff would have started then makes no sense. Some days I feel like he just wanted to destroy me just to do it. Other days I remember how kind and gentle he was at times. I can't understand and put the two together. Even the messages switched between loving me and calling me a whore.

Narcissistic abuse. You just told the whole story.

 

[Notf1xable]

It still doesn't change anything, he got away with everything and I'm here getting messed up in every way possible. I'm in so much pain I don't want to wake up every morning. It's not just him it's other situations, there's no sense of justice in the world. I only want peace after everything I've gone through.

 

[Return2Dust]

It still doesn't change anything, he got away with everything and I'm here getting messed up in every way possible. I'm in so much pain I don't want to wake up every morning. It's not just him it's other situations, there's no sense of justice in the world. I only want peace after everything I've gone through.

I can relate to everything you've said and I'm sorry you're going through this. I get it with the no sense of justice and wanting peace. I really do.