Olek Messier 87
Member
- Sep 1, 2024
- 43
Hi everyone,
I'm new here, and I only discovered this forum three days ago (Sorry if my English isn't perfect).
I'm currently in my early 30s, and I'm having a hard time understanding how my survival instinct has kept me here for so long, simply amazing. I knew from the age of 10 that I wasn't exactly wired like most of the people around me, and it didn't take me a long time to guess that I would probably have to leave this cursed carousel before its last turn. Well, the time seems to have come, and it sure has taken its time, but despite a life of which it would be unfair to complain about, because there's objectively worse, even though it hasn't been easy (to say the least), I think that maybe I shouldn't have act for my entire life by constantly played the role of the perfectly normal and mentally strong guy to my loved ones, or even everybody else, and instead get myself hospitalized at a time when it could still have made a difference. Instead of that, I still struggle with the same ghosts that petrified me as a child, while all my acquaintances from that time have naturally made an admirable journey through life, just killing it; and I'm not even talking about professionally or with relationships (once again, I can't complain), I'm talking about remaining locked up in his own head, instead of just evolving. Like an ape trying to understand and imitate human behavior at the zoo. (I'm sure some of you can relate)
But enough of the tearful speech; my game plan is to ctb before the end of the year. I've considered some options, thanks to several threads found here:
- SN (Looks comfortable, but it seems very difficult to get hold of it, other than through professional ways, unfortunately. But I'm all ears...).
- Hanging (Seems quite feasible, only problem being that I have to do it outdoors. The mere idea of my wife finding me in this state takes away all the desire to kill myself).
- CO in my car, in the middle of nowhere of course, to avoid collateral damage (This was my first option, but after some research, it seems rather technical, and surprisingly easy to screw up).
Oh, and I'm afraid of heights, so don't even talk to me about jumping from anywhere higher than 2m haha. I might die before I even get close to the edge (maybe that's the way then
)
So, yeah, I wouldn't mind some sound advice, if you have any. Thanks in advance.
And that's it ! I hope that all those here who can still hope to get out through the ways of healing, and maybe full recovery, will do so without too much trouble, I really do;
and for the others, such as myself, I wish them to finally find what they have been looking for their whole life, a little peace, at last.
I'm new here, and I only discovered this forum three days ago (Sorry if my English isn't perfect).
I'm currently in my early 30s, and I'm having a hard time understanding how my survival instinct has kept me here for so long, simply amazing. I knew from the age of 10 that I wasn't exactly wired like most of the people around me, and it didn't take me a long time to guess that I would probably have to leave this cursed carousel before its last turn. Well, the time seems to have come, and it sure has taken its time, but despite a life of which it would be unfair to complain about, because there's objectively worse, even though it hasn't been easy (to say the least), I think that maybe I shouldn't have act for my entire life by constantly played the role of the perfectly normal and mentally strong guy to my loved ones, or even everybody else, and instead get myself hospitalized at a time when it could still have made a difference. Instead of that, I still struggle with the same ghosts that petrified me as a child, while all my acquaintances from that time have naturally made an admirable journey through life, just killing it; and I'm not even talking about professionally or with relationships (once again, I can't complain), I'm talking about remaining locked up in his own head, instead of just evolving. Like an ape trying to understand and imitate human behavior at the zoo. (I'm sure some of you can relate)
But enough of the tearful speech; my game plan is to ctb before the end of the year. I've considered some options, thanks to several threads found here:
- SN (Looks comfortable, but it seems very difficult to get hold of it, other than through professional ways, unfortunately. But I'm all ears...).
- Hanging (Seems quite feasible, only problem being that I have to do it outdoors. The mere idea of my wife finding me in this state takes away all the desire to kill myself).
- CO in my car, in the middle of nowhere of course, to avoid collateral damage (This was my first option, but after some research, it seems rather technical, and surprisingly easy to screw up).
Oh, and I'm afraid of heights, so don't even talk to me about jumping from anywhere higher than 2m haha. I might die before I even get close to the edge (maybe that's the way then
)So, yeah, I wouldn't mind some sound advice, if you have any. Thanks in advance.
And that's it ! I hope that all those here who can still hope to get out through the ways of healing, and maybe full recovery, will do so without too much trouble, I really do;
and for the others, such as myself, I wish them to finally find what they have been looking for their whole life, a little peace, at last.
