Just felt like telling someone this memory

[Laststop]

I watched a TV show tonight that reminded me of the very short happiest part of my life, and a day that was right at the end of it. I left school, had worked for a while, and almost had my first car. But at the time was still living with my family. This was my Grandparents, which made it the best, but my father who had separated....again...from his 100th wife and my half brother and sister, moved in too, and the adult world was starting for me. I worked a night kitchen job at a hotel, and my father would pick me up at the end of my shift, until I got my car. One night lasted really late, and they offered to let me stay in a room free if I would stay until the end. It was funny. Right next to the hotel's boiler, all hot and loud, just like you would see them do for a free room in a comedy movie! Anyway, I got out at like 2AM, and didn't get much sleep. I walked from where the hotel was to a McDonald's to meet my father.

As I walked I started thinking about how this was one of the few times thus far I had spent the night away from my home. I didn't feel like the times I had stayed over a friends house. I felt alone. It was the first time I had been alone as an adult, doing work. It didn't feel like I was going home. In that moment I felt so lonely. I pine for youth all the time. For those short years with my grandparents. And as I remember back to that morning when I felt like I had no one, I think about now, and how I really do have no one. I have no home and people to go to anymore. I'm a middle aged man that has nothing to live for. Nothing but to exist, pay bills, and keep breathing because I'm suppose to. And the scary part is that I can't even bring myself to feel lonely like that morning.

I feel nothing. In fact, the more I think about trying hard to keep going all I feel is fear. Also, when I think about how I would do things differently if I had to do them over again, knowing what I do now, I'm not sure things would have been better? And to top it all off, I think back to those better days all the time to get by, and no matter how bad everything else is, that tiny island of the life I love is something that makes it hard to leave life. Like, I can't remember about my mall and arcade if I'm dead. Even if it was so long ago, neither of them exist anymore, and the future holds nothing but suck as far as I can see. I wish I had a solid resolve to go. Maybe things will get worst and force my resolve for me?

 

[Wayfaerer]

when I think about how I would do things differently if I had to do them over again, knowing what I do now, I'm not sure things would have been better?

Well, I don't know about you, but in my case it would've been critically important.

Even as a fresh adult, my life had suddenly became even more miserable and loathsome than what it was before (and it was abysmal before!), I could see I only had more years to lose. I thought about my middle-aged self in the future even then, thinking "Are these the memories I am suppose to look back on?" It had only added to the dread. Turns out I won't even be making it to 30, let alone middle-age, so I no longer need to concern myself with it.

 

[Laststop]

Well, I don't know about you, but in my case it would've been critically important.

Even as a fresh adult, my life had suddenly became even more miserable and loathsome than what it was before (and it was abysmal before!), I could see I only had more years to lose. I thought about my middle-aged self in the future even then, thinking "Are these the memories I am suppose to look back on?" It had only added to the dread. Turns out I won't even be making it to 30, let alone middle-age, so I no longer need to concern myself with it.

I'd like to think things would be better if I had it all to do all over again. But most of the time when I look back and relive it differently I embellish...A LOT! I mean, I imagine how it would have been if I lived my life over, but under far better circumstances. What if I came from a better family? Or, lived with my awesome grandparents my whole life, because my abusive father died when I was infant, and my grandparents someohow became rich? Oh yeah, and everyone liked me, and I not only knew how to act with people, but was cool?

When I think about doing it over again as it was, I wonder how much better I could do it again. I suppose I could do better. But I don't know. I would never encourage someone to CTB. So I don't want to come off that way. But for me things have only gotten worse from being a young man, to middle aged. Man, you never know. Things could really turn around for you. They do for some people. Some people are late bloomers. I'm just at a point where it's obvious I'm not going to get better with people, and I really don't want to. And I have health problems. And money problems. But under 30 is pretty young.

A lot can happen in a year. Good or bad. I started over at about your age. New city, new job. In 20 years time I went from a high school drop out to a college grad, and even have some graduate credits. I went from very crappy pay, to doing pretty good. I had a lot of things I loved. Then I got called into the bosses office, and it all died in less than five minutes. I was out on the street, sent back to where I started. Worse even. I don't like to add to your disillusionment with life. But I also can't find it in me to lie. I have only my own experience to offer. And it's a lot harder as you get older. And that's the truth. But...you might be stronger than me. And smarter wouldn't hurt either.

 

[Wayfaerer]

@Laststop health problems are a big reason why I am going to CTB

 

[Hexen]

I watched a TV show tonight that reminded me of the very short happiest part of my life, and a day that was right at the end of it. I left school, had worked for a while, and almost had my first car. But at the time was still living with my family. This was my Grandparents, which made it the best, but my father who had separated....again...from his 100th wife and my half brother and sister, moved in too, and the adult world was starting for me. I worked a night kitchen job at a hotel, and my father would pick me up at the end of my shift, until I got my car. One night lasted really late, and they offered to let me stay in a room free if I would stay until the end. It was funny. Right next to the hotel's boiler, all hot and loud, just like you would see them do for a free room in a comedy movie! Anyway, I got out at like 2AM, and didn't get much sleep. I walked from where the hotel was to a McDonald's to meet my father.

As I walked I started thinking about how this was one of the few times thus far I had spent the night away from my home. I didn't feel like the times I had stayed over a friends house. I felt alone. It was the first time I had been alone as an adult, doing work. It didn't feel like I was going home. In that moment I felt so lonely. I pine for youth all the time. For those short years with my grandparents. And as I remember back to that morning when I felt like I had no one, I think about now, and how I really do have no one. I have no home and people to go to anymore. I'm a middle aged man that has nothing to live for. Nothing but to exist, pay bills, and keep breathing because I'm suppose to. And the scary part is that I can't even bring myself to feel lonely like that morning.

I feel nothing. In fact, the more I think about trying hard to keep going all I feel is fear. Also, when I think about how I would do things differently if I had to do them over again, knowing what I do now, I'm not sure things would have been better? And to top it all off, I think back to those better days all the time to get by, and no matter how bad everything else is, that tiny island of the life I love is something that makes it hard to leave life. Like, I can't remember about my mall and arcade if I'm dead. Even if it was so long ago, neither of them exist anymore, and the future holds nothing but suck as far as I can see. I wish I had a solid resolve to go. Maybe things will get worst and force my resolve for me?

You sound a bit like I do regarding the thinking a lot about past. I am also too attached to the past so I can't just let go and end myself. There are some memories that I appreciate so much. They are usually the simplest ones, nothing special, but when I think about them I can feel the temperature of the room I was in, the smell and I can look at it all from different camera angles. It becomes as a sort of beacon of light that you hold on to because the rest of the life is crap. I am afraid all of the time too.

 

[Astral316]

I have no chance of replicating the splendor of past memories so I'll use said memories as juice to act on my CTB plan. If I didn't have a CTB plan these memories would simply torment me because I've fallen far short of them.

 

[Laststop]

You sound a bit like I do regarding the thinking a lot about past. I am also too attached to the past so I can't just let go and end myself. There are some memories that I appreciate so much. They are usually the simplest ones, nothing special, but when I think about them I can feel the temperature of the room I was in, the smell and I can look at it all from different camera angles. It becomes as a sort of beacon of light that you hold on to because the rest of the life is crap. I am afraid all of the time too.

Exactly!

I have no chance of replicating the splendor of past memories so I'll use said memories as juice to act on my CTB plan. If I didn't have a CTB plan these memories would simply torment me because I've fallen far short of them.

I know exactly how you feel.