Just feel alone.

[Livingvsdying25]

Used to it tbh but it's just different now bc I've been so cut off from everything for so fucking long.

I hate to over use or rely on someone.

Even my move she turns to be about her. Makes me to be the constant reject. I'm just sick of it and tired.

Not realistic but just want someone here with me till the end of this (this weekend actually)

But I'm grateful that my friend stayed and has been here for me. I'm sorry if I was being too much.

I just feel scared bc of alot of things but just wrong in m
Feeling ok and more comfy I guess in nothing. I'm not nothing tho. I had to be for awhile to survive but. Not anymore.

I just need ones hugs I dunno
I was made to feel worthless so easy to forget I donr have to feel like that. I'm not losing anything.

I am not her and I have my own life. Emotional abuse fucks you up. I'm tired so going to rest my mind.

I'm so excited to move.

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

No matter when I log in I see there are people in chat. I'd like to think you won't feel so alone if you check in here first, even if people you've maybe seen here before aren't here.

Best wishes

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I was made to feel worthless so easy to forget I donr have to feel like that. I'm not losing anything.

I am not her and I have my own life. Emotional abuse fucks you up. I'm tired so going to rest my mind.

I'm so excited to move.

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

I was made to feel worthless so easy to forget I donr have to feel like that. I'm not losing anything.

I am not her and I have my own life. Emotional abuse fucks you up. I'm tired so going to rest my mind.

I'm so excited to move.

Emotional abuse can make it really hard to think. It just keeps you revisiting what the other person said or did.
Needing a break is such an understandable thing.

Sorry I missed the part about you moving! I thought you were leaving the other way.

That's fantastic! I hope you love your new place.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Anger directed at me makes me feel small. I know when its justified. I try my best to listen.

Such volatile energy thrown at me. Especially when I try to apologize to my brother.
When I dont say anything that makes him upset and thinks I don't care. When I do say something it's not enough & it just makes him more upset.

Hmm like with him with my family there us no redemption for me.

I'm sad I'm surrounded by and relying on this & them but for now until the move yeah kno.

Excitment doesnt stop the hurt. I know I am too much. I just dont want to condemn myself anymore. I wanna see & grow & change with understanding not judgement.

I am tired but kinda waiting to sleep & wired for my own reasons.

 

[Ghost2211]

Try to hang in there you're moving soon. I don't know if it will be easier or harder, but it is a fresh start. Getting out of your rut and away from the people that make you feel bad will take some of the weight off you.

You have us.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Open up my mouth spill and try to articulate. Not perfect but I'm trying.

Not being heard half the time. Just feel more clogged. I wish you'd at least try to understand ask questions etc. Not just only say something when you are in it

It's been like this since we were younger. He says its bc of my responses. Doesnt even.see the disconnect we had for yrs but my.fault also bc i never said anything..

Heard his voice and he's busy etc but also the fact is is that I make my dad very uncomfortable with my emotions. My parents never liked me having emotions. Just got yelled at when I cried at etc.
So yeah my dad is "just busy" but really he's just ignoring me & doesnt want to take a one min to even respond.

I've seen him do it to my mom (plus like anyone lmao) & honestly he used to do it alot when I was a kid too. Now that we are in the same city it's just more obvious for me. I'm not entitled to his time nor his ear to listen to me. I'm not entitled to decide if he wants to talk or not. I just know how it is and it hurts but oh well bc I cant change people. I've been trying everything I can just for understanding & forgiveness with all of us but nah.

I'm just whining about my family dynamics. I try so so hard not to be selfish or self centered. To be balanced and see a perspective. To try and understand it. Etc but it's not easy in this family and I stopped trying awhile ago anyway.

Which just built resentment but I never explained why & I wouldn't want to anyway

I sleep will mean me feel more rested but I cant shake off that disgust and resentment towards me. It doesn't weight me down most of the time I'm not consistantly consumed.
It's just a fact and I guess bc moving involves alot of family time I'm stressed more about that than anything..

Yeah I'm scared to have to be spending the day relying on my family and being around them.

Bc with the fact that they helped alot of previous unsuccessful moves... theres alot of doubt stress resentment etc towards me and that I get it.

I was just trying to survive but I get how much I imposed.

Hmm with everything in their minds I already failed before I even tried. Wow that is a tiring way to like live and think.

I say it all the time & I'll say it again. I was a mistake 5 yrs later and I should've been aborted
Never wanna live a life where I'm the victim and never do anything wrong nor hurtful. Never wanna erase my part in anything.
I will acknowledge my hurt and feelings though. I am working in doing that more constructively.

It's like in my head and in real life it just feels like everyone is angry with the thing behind it all and takes it out on me.

Not to say that I was never part of the "behind it all" but I'm so tired of aggressive conversations like my very breathe is an annoyance when I'm just trying to figure it out and understand myself.

Here home my immediate family I'm a fuckjng annoyance. & yes I have relrfcted I've asked I've repented I've changed I've taken it I've talked it out

As if I already didn't know this. I'll never be good enough and that alone is extremely stunting.

I just have to be good enough for myself. Having family is a nice concept but never really worked out for me.

I sugar coat shit alot but um kinda really done with that now. Both of my parents are abusive. My brother can be abusive towards me. I can be abusive towards him.

Anyway I need to physically sleep now. My body will feel rested and ready for the task of moving my stuff.

(Ps. I'm shaky so spelling might've been even worse and eyes not right so not checking now.) Ps.s ( hope its comprehendable)

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

...ready for the task of moving my stuff.

How are things now that you've moved into your new place?