Venting Just failed an attempt

[sayoko284]

This happened just now, I feel like I need to tell someone about it but I have no one to tell so I'm putting it here.

I regularly self harm by strangling myself using a ligature (normally the cord of my dressing gown because it's close to hand) until I almost pass out, tying the knots too loose on purpose so they come undone before I go unconscious. I do this because I only want the pain in my neck and the intense pressure in my head from the strangling, not death.

However, this evening I felt a particularly strong urge to CTB. For the past month or so I've been at a particularly low point mentally (although I've been suicidal on and off for years so this is nothing new to me) and I guess I'm just sick of constantly trying to force myself to live when I always come back to this feeling in the end.

I ended up writing a note (technically two notes, I thought the first one sounded stupid so I ripped it up and made another one), tying the knots properly this time so they wouldn't come undone and attempting to hang myself (partial) in my bathroom. It took me three attempts to get it right because I kept putting the noose in the wrong place so it hurt too much for me to continue. On the third attempt I wasn't in much pain but the pressure in my head was really strong and I could see lots of flashing colours and dark spots. My body was also starting to get weaker and I could feel myself beginning to fall (I was standing up).

It was going well until I slipped and swung round on the rope only to make eye contact with myself in the mirror. I don't know why but when I saw my blue, slightly swollen face I panicked and started clawing at the cord until I got free. I've never seen my face go that colour before despite strangling myself frequently (normally it goes bright red or purplish but this time it was blue-grey).

I'm currently sitting on my bathroom floor writing this out. My neck aches and I feel a bit dizzy, but I'm used to feeling that way after being strangled so it doesn't bother me that much.

I'm not sure how I feel emotionally about this. When I got free from the cord I was crying with fear at how out of control I'd been and relief that I had managed to stop myself in time, but now I feel a bit of regret about failing since I know I'll just end up doing this again. Not only that but it's 3am here and I have a lecture at 9, so I feel really stupid for wasting the little time I have to sleep with this when I don't even have the balls to go through with it. The thought of facing tomorrow (today?) is unbearable.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to ramble about this.

 

[theguineapigking]

I'm sorry dude. Si is really strong. Seeing yourself in the mirror can sort of "snap you back" to reality.

I really have no words. But I do understand your terror. I highly suggest calling out sick for that lecture if you can. You need to recuperate after something as serious and traumatic as this. Please take the day off and rethink things.

If you ever do attempt again, please be sure that you want to die 100%. Perhaps you have some internal conflict going on as well? Since you've currently been in such a low place this past month, I ask that you don't rush into this again until you've had some time to think about it some more.

I wish you the best in the meantime dude. Hopefully you start to feel better physically from the strangulation.

 

[sayoko284]

I'm sorry dude. Si is really strong. Seeing yourself in the mirror can sort of "snap you back" to reality.

I really have no words. But I do understand your terror. I highly suggest calling out sick for that lecture if you can. You need to recuperate after something as serious and traumatic as this. Please take the day off and rethink things.

If you ever do attempt again, please be sure that you want to die 100%. Perhaps you have some internal conflict going on as well? Since you've currently been in such a low place this past month, I ask that you don't rush into this again until you've had some time to think about it some more.

I wish you the best in the meantime dude. Hopefully you start to feel better physically from the strangulation.

Thank you for your kind words. You're right that I've been conflicted about this for some time now. I'm in the process of getting treatment for my issues (still on a waiting list unfortunately but I should be seeing someone within the next few weeks) so I want to try and wait until I've given recovery a shot before making any major decisions about this, but as you can see from the OP I lost control this time and acted on impulse. It's terrifying to think of how easily that can happen.

I'll try to take it easy tomorrow, I'm pretty behind on lectures/work because of everything that's been going on over the last few weeks but I'll see what I can do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine it must be awful to fail an attempt. Of course ctb is difficult as we are programmed to survive. If it was easier to leave I would already be gone. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.