TripTheLight
I guess I tried
- Oct 31, 2024
- 23
Hi everyone. If you recognize my profile then you know that I have made few posts on here flip flopping between announcing that I was certainly going to cbt soon and that I was on path to recovery. I have been pretty much clear from suicidal ideation for a while now, and have now decided that I will actually start my recovery process. The thing that has been holding me back from that decision for the past few months has however been that I still had my sn in my home. It did at some points feel good knowing that I had a way out if things got too bad to handle, but it did also create a lot of anxiety for me. In my country there hasn't in my knowledge been any welfare checks on people who are suspected to have sn, but the possibility of that happening and being put into involuntary hospitalization scared me.
At the same time, the thing that made me too scared to dispose off the sn was that if I brought to a waste disposal facility, I would be questioned and the staff would call the cops on me. But today I decided the anxiety from having the sn was starting to become greater than my anxiety of getting in trouble, so I went to drop it off.
As I feared, I was questioned a bit for what the package was. All the text in my bottle of sn was in Polish so the staff wasn't sure how they would know what to do with it. They asked where I had gotten the package, and I had to lie and say that it was from my dead grandpa's house. Then they asked if I knew what it was used for, I panicked and kind of dodged the question. Maybe I should have said that he was into meat curing, but I felt that that lie would have been too obvious. They didn't question me further, but I'm still afraid that they are going to get suspicious when they look into what sn is actually used for and why a random young girl would have that stuff. I didn't arrive there in a car so at least they don't have a license plate number to identify, but they could probably identify me from security cam footage or something.
I hate feeling like a criminal for simply having been suicidal at some point in my life. It feels like all my rights could be stripped away when the only person I wanted to harm was myself. And I don't even want to do that anymore. This is what treating ctb like a crime causes. I'm too afraid to tell anyone in my real life about this, since suicidal people are treated like untouchables in society, so I have to suffer through all of this alone. But that is why this website is such an important resource for people, and even though I will probably now stop using this cite for my safety and wellbeing, I will always appreciate this place. Contrary to what all the fear mongering reports say about this cite, no one on here has ever encouraged me to cbt. Instead, some have even gently pushed me back when my reasoning to wanting to cbt have been clearly nonsensical and coming from a temporary crisis. So thank you.
At the same time, the thing that made me too scared to dispose off the sn was that if I brought to a waste disposal facility, I would be questioned and the staff would call the cops on me. But today I decided the anxiety from having the sn was starting to become greater than my anxiety of getting in trouble, so I went to drop it off.
As I feared, I was questioned a bit for what the package was. All the text in my bottle of sn was in Polish so the staff wasn't sure how they would know what to do with it. They asked where I had gotten the package, and I had to lie and say that it was from my dead grandpa's house. Then they asked if I knew what it was used for, I panicked and kind of dodged the question. Maybe I should have said that he was into meat curing, but I felt that that lie would have been too obvious. They didn't question me further, but I'm still afraid that they are going to get suspicious when they look into what sn is actually used for and why a random young girl would have that stuff. I didn't arrive there in a car so at least they don't have a license plate number to identify, but they could probably identify me from security cam footage or something.
I hate feeling like a criminal for simply having been suicidal at some point in my life. It feels like all my rights could be stripped away when the only person I wanted to harm was myself. And I don't even want to do that anymore. This is what treating ctb like a crime causes. I'm too afraid to tell anyone in my real life about this, since suicidal people are treated like untouchables in society, so I have to suffer through all of this alone. But that is why this website is such an important resource for people, and even though I will probably now stop using this cite for my safety and wellbeing, I will always appreciate this place. Contrary to what all the fear mongering reports say about this cite, no one on here has ever encouraged me to cbt. Instead, some have even gently pushed me back when my reasoning to wanting to cbt have been clearly nonsensical and coming from a temporary crisis. So thank you.
