Venting Just cried all day

[spinningship]

When I get super depressed or burnt out my actual feelings get numbed and I just feel this pain in my head. Just feel completely lethargic about everything and don't care about any activities. Kind of dissociated from life. It feels like it's only as I come up from a depressive episode that I start being able to feel things again and I realize just how fucked my life is. Today a group of people I kinda knew from the first term of uni said hi to me as I passed by them in a shop and I just felt the number of missed opportunities that I'd let pass due to withdrawing socially. My head told me that they just felt bad for me, that they hardly knew me and just think of me as some freak. Not sure how true that is.

I fumbled the interaction anyway and no doubt came off as super weird to them. I can hardly handle surprise one on one conversations let alone groups of people my brain just can't process the sensory data fast enough. I think what made it worse is they genuinely seemed friendly I'd almost feel better if they just ignored me or shrugged me off. I went home and just broke down crying realizing how lonely my life has become and how alone I am. I don't think I'd care if I felt I'd tried my best and ended up not connecting with people, but it just feels like I totally fucked everything up by withdrawing. There's no way I can get to know people now they're all far too close to each other whereas I'm just some strange kid they only see once in a blue moon.

The worst part is I'm not even suicidal atm lol so I actually have to face having these feelings.

 

[Ume]

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. Please know that where you are now isn't your fault - you've been given something really hard to deal with in life and been doing the best you can.

 

[todienomore]

"There's no way I can get to know people now" That wasnt my experience in school at least, seemed like people are more flexible than ever in terms of meeting new people, more than in high school or the rest of their lives. I wish i could put it more eloquently but I think a big part of your healing process is to root out these toxic narratives that you are telling yourself, realize why they are lies, why they arent your story. Things like "its too late," "I am unlovable," etc. The terrible thing about those types of lies is how long you can go on believing them. I'm in my late 30s, I have been dragging myself for 30 yrs before I started confronting all the shame I've carried around.

I think I saw a good video about this process on this channel, hopefully you find her work relevant. She seems to be solutions focused, the videos have time stamped sections. https://www.youtube.com/@DrKimSage/videos

It looks like she has some videos about vagal exercises, I think that stuff is key, basically how the body can carry a ton of stress and trauma in the autonomic nervous system. Thats its likely affecting your baseline level of stress. There are alot of easy ways to release this from the body, from things as simple as gargling water to Trauma Release Exercises where you basically shake out the bad energy.