Shatteredsouls
Member
- Feb 16, 2025
- 10
A rant to a "friend"
Ah yes, youth!
Live your life to the fullest!
Have fun!
Enjoy being young!
What a load of shit.
IM NOT ENJOYING MYSELF.
IVE BEEN DOING THAT EVER SINCE I LEFT HIGHSCHOOL.
I have chased what i thought was fun.
Yet nothing EVER gives me any joy that lasts, nothing gives any fulfilment.
And yes your 20s are for learning and growing, im WELL aware of that.
Yet i am not learning, i am not growing.
Im still the exact same person if not worse.
Im slowly being torn apart bit by bit from inside out.
Every day is a reminder of how i have no one.
Everyone has somebody yet here i am left behind.
While my peers are having relationships and growing learning about themselves and people in general, im stuck in this dark pit.
AND EVERY TIME I HEAR THE EXACT SAME SHIT.
TO JUST BE HAPPY AND FREE
BUT IM NOT
THERE IS NO FREEDOM TO BE HAD IN THIS WRETCHED WORLD.
THERE IS NO JOY, HAPPINESS ISN'T A THING TO BE HAD, IT CANT BE POSSESSED,
ONLY PURSUED.
"Just be happy"
"It'll happen when you least expect it"
"You'll find it when you stop looking, itll come to you"
"Relationships are only trouble anyways"
How can i learn.
How can i grow when i live the exact same FUCKING DAY, DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY.
DAYS TURN TO MONTHS INTO YEARS AND YET NOTHINGS CHANGED.
I look back at my journal entries over the years and see frankly how hopeless it all is.
Nothings changed in years.
Just the same pathetic broken doll on worn strings.
Playing the same song and dance.
Just another day.
Im not happy, not truly.
Not one person actually cares.
I have no one.
3 close friends and yet each for separate reasons not.
The only thing that helps is my bike, but it can only help when im actually out riding it.
Music helps a little too.
I can spend a lifetime listening to my songs and hoping for any kind of joy in this hollow world.
Nothing truly makes me happy.
And you know the best part? even with how desperate i am for someone, i know relationships wont make me happy, how could they?
The moment you expect something or someone to give you the joy you want, it becomes unobtainable.
So what do i do?
Everyone just says be happy and free.
But i dont know how to, maybe i missed that class in school.
How do i just be happy?
Just focus on yourself, thats what your 20s are for!
Im financially stable with a solid career and make $40 an hour with yearly raises.
Im debt free.
I got my own place no roommates.
I eat healthy and only eat out once in a while
I cook and cleanup after myself
I hit the gym almost every morning before work
I dont smoke or vape or do any drugs
I rarely drink alcohol
I almost never drink soda
I dont even drink coffee or energy drinks unless im pulling a really late night driving and i have no other option.
So what else?
What else do i got to focus on?
The people who are happy are so incredibly ignorant in their ivory towers of positivity.
They spout their fancy words of optimism but are blind to anyones actual struggles.
Oh you tell me not to focus on finding someone, but WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IM 30 OR OLDER HAVING NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP, NO ONE WOULD WANT TO TOUCH ME.
THAT "SOUL MATE" THAT EVERYBODY LOVES TO IMAGINE, THEY WOULDN'T WANT SOME PATHETIC 30 YEAR OLD LOSER THATS NEVER EVEN KISSED ANYONE BEFORE.
So yeah dont focus on it, just focus on myself and growing.
WHAT A LOAD OF PRETENTIOUS SHIT.
It sooo easy for you say that isn't it?
You're hot, you could have pretty much anyone you want.
But my life isn't like that, im not hot, im just average if that.
When im out in public doing whatever not one chick will look twice at me, not one will smile unless theyre in customer service and they have to.
Maybe things would be different if i never had scoliosis, if i didn't have to wear a back brace for 5 years through junior high and highschool.
Maybe then id be normal and happy, maybe id know how to interact with people.
Maybe just maybe i could have a genuine connection with someone.
So to sum it all up,
Everything ive ever done has been for myself.
The last key to my puzzle is to figure out how to have a relationship, im well aware that my first one or few wont work out.
But thats something i need to go through while im young and not when im older and everyone else is looking for a serious relationship while i dont even know the basics.
Ah yes, youth!
Live your life to the fullest!
Have fun!
Enjoy being young!
What a load of shit.
IM NOT ENJOYING MYSELF.
IVE BEEN DOING THAT EVER SINCE I LEFT HIGHSCHOOL.
I have chased what i thought was fun.
Yet nothing EVER gives me any joy that lasts, nothing gives any fulfilment.
And yes your 20s are for learning and growing, im WELL aware of that.
Yet i am not learning, i am not growing.
Im still the exact same person if not worse.
Im slowly being torn apart bit by bit from inside out.
Every day is a reminder of how i have no one.
Everyone has somebody yet here i am left behind.
While my peers are having relationships and growing learning about themselves and people in general, im stuck in this dark pit.
AND EVERY TIME I HEAR THE EXACT SAME SHIT.
TO JUST BE HAPPY AND FREE
BUT IM NOT
THERE IS NO FREEDOM TO BE HAD IN THIS WRETCHED WORLD.
THERE IS NO JOY, HAPPINESS ISN'T A THING TO BE HAD, IT CANT BE POSSESSED,
ONLY PURSUED.
"Just be happy"
"It'll happen when you least expect it"
"You'll find it when you stop looking, itll come to you"
"Relationships are only trouble anyways"
How can i learn.
How can i grow when i live the exact same FUCKING DAY, DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY.
DAYS TURN TO MONTHS INTO YEARS AND YET NOTHINGS CHANGED.
I look back at my journal entries over the years and see frankly how hopeless it all is.
Nothings changed in years.
Just the same pathetic broken doll on worn strings.
Playing the same song and dance.
Just another day.
Im not happy, not truly.
Not one person actually cares.
I have no one.
3 close friends and yet each for separate reasons not.
The only thing that helps is my bike, but it can only help when im actually out riding it.
Music helps a little too.
I can spend a lifetime listening to my songs and hoping for any kind of joy in this hollow world.
Nothing truly makes me happy.
And you know the best part? even with how desperate i am for someone, i know relationships wont make me happy, how could they?
The moment you expect something or someone to give you the joy you want, it becomes unobtainable.
So what do i do?
Everyone just says be happy and free.
But i dont know how to, maybe i missed that class in school.
How do i just be happy?
Just focus on yourself, thats what your 20s are for!
Im financially stable with a solid career and make $40 an hour with yearly raises.
Im debt free.
I got my own place no roommates.
I eat healthy and only eat out once in a while
I cook and cleanup after myself
I hit the gym almost every morning before work
I dont smoke or vape or do any drugs
I rarely drink alcohol
I almost never drink soda
I dont even drink coffee or energy drinks unless im pulling a really late night driving and i have no other option.
So what else?
What else do i got to focus on?
The people who are happy are so incredibly ignorant in their ivory towers of positivity.
They spout their fancy words of optimism but are blind to anyones actual struggles.
Oh you tell me not to focus on finding someone, but WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IM 30 OR OLDER HAVING NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP, NO ONE WOULD WANT TO TOUCH ME.
THAT "SOUL MATE" THAT EVERYBODY LOVES TO IMAGINE, THEY WOULDN'T WANT SOME PATHETIC 30 YEAR OLD LOSER THATS NEVER EVEN KISSED ANYONE BEFORE.
So yeah dont focus on it, just focus on myself and growing.
WHAT A LOAD OF PRETENTIOUS SHIT.
It sooo easy for you say that isn't it?
You're hot, you could have pretty much anyone you want.
But my life isn't like that, im not hot, im just average if that.
When im out in public doing whatever not one chick will look twice at me, not one will smile unless theyre in customer service and they have to.
Maybe things would be different if i never had scoliosis, if i didn't have to wear a back brace for 5 years through junior high and highschool.
Maybe then id be normal and happy, maybe id know how to interact with people.
Maybe just maybe i could have a genuine connection with someone.
So to sum it all up,
Everything ive ever done has been for myself.
The last key to my puzzle is to figure out how to have a relationship, im well aware that my first one or few wont work out.
But thats something i need to go through while im young and not when im older and everyone else is looking for a serious relationship while i dont even know the basics.
