Venting Just basically a today update. Long post.

[Livingvsdying25]

Yesterday I sent a quite... aggressive message to the worker from yesterday. I just told him to never attempt to contact me again & what he did was disgusting.... and some other hard truths. Haven't heard from him. Good. Stupid fucker.

I thought he was ok turns out he isn't per say. The fact that he waited hours then tried to throw the things I shared with him in my face is fucking disgusting.

Fuck suicide prevention that is all messed up like that. Just people tryna save their own asses & stupid policies.


This morning my friend who I told not to expect to hear from me bc I'm done with everything & a worker that I told to leave me alone texted me. Im not answering. 1. Bc of the bullshit with the worker yesterday. 2. Bc I said to not to expect anything or to hear from me in any capacity anymore. Like??? I don't want to be checked in on. It's specifically these kinda interactions that stress me out while planning to CTB. I feel like a bad person and a part of me is but I need people to let me go. Tryna CTB is painful enough without the constant realization of the impact on others.

Also tho to me it's like subtle suicide prevention and I don't fucking want it anymore. Yeah I am grateful to have people that care but all they want from me is to live & I don't anymore. So it's a conflict of interest/care. It's just too much for my heart to be pulled in so many directions.



I tried to force myself to eat last night. It was so hard. I only got in a couple of bites and fuckkkk. It ruined my sleep, made me feel weird etc. Eating is not what I want anynore. Plus multiple health issues have heat intolerance as a thing sooo when I wasn't eating I wasn't overheating for once. It was so fucking nice to actually feel cold in my A/C apartment ffs.


I hate my body and I hate my life honestly. There's pockets of lil things that aren't so bad... but I can't take this shit anymore.



Today my body is in a lot of pain. Like when it rains my breathing is better but my bones feel heavier. This chronic health issues life sucks.

Anyway I've been up for like 2 hours & I'm sleepy so I think I'm gonna go back to sleep. In terms of CTB planning I needa clear my system of interpersonal shit & keep thinking on method I will execute but pretty sure I've settled on one. Will purchase it next week when I have funds. So it's just about surviving until then.

My way of survival shall be sleep & starvation. I may eat tmrw to have some energy to do laundry but sometimes there is that anorexic energy so shall see how I feel tmrw. It's sad but a bit amazing how my body doesn't crave food in the same way. Like I'm dying fromnthe inside out.

I'm off to fall asleep to youtube videos & possibly read some kindle books. But mostly sleep.

 

[MrDarkness]

Hey glad to see your still alive, I'm sorry life has been shit to you recently. I'm almost on my way out, I bought a rope and I'm planning soon, I hope your able to find peace in life or death. Best of luck

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Yesterday I sent a quite... aggressive message to the worker from yesterday. I just told him to never attempt to contact me again & what he did was disgusting.... and some other hard truths. Haven't heard from him. Good. Stupid fucker.

I thought he was ok turns out he isn't per say. The fact that he waited hours then tried to throw the things I shared with him in my face is fucking disgusting.

Fuck suicide prevention that is all messed up like that. Just people tryna save their own asses & stupid policies.


This morning my friend who I told not to expect to hear from me bc I'm done with everything & a worker that I told to leave me alone texted me. Im not answering. 1. Bc of the bullshit with the worker yesterday. 2. Bc I said to not to expect anything or to hear from me in any capacity anymore. Like??? I don't want to be checked in on. It's specifically these kinda interactions that stress me out while planning to CTB. I feel like a bad person and a part of me is but I need people to let me go. Tryna CTB is painful enough without the constant realization of the impact on others.

Also tho to me it's like subtle suicide prevention and I don't fucking want it anymore. Yeah I am grateful to have people that care but all they want from me is to live & I don't anymore. So it's a conflict of interest/care. It's just too much for my heart to be pulled in so many directions.



I tried to force myself to eat last night. It was so hard. I only got in a couple of bites and fuckkkk. It ruined my sleep, made me feel weird etc. Eating is not what I want anynore. Plus multiple health issues have heat intolerance as a thing sooo when I wasn't eating I wasn't overheating for once. It was so fucking nice to actually feel cold in my A/C apartment ffs.


I hate my body and I hate my life honestly. There's pockets of lil things that aren't so bad... but I can't take this shit anymore.



Today my body is in a lot of pain. Like when it rains my breathing is better but my bones feel heavier. This chronic health issues life sucks.

Anyway I've been up for like 2 hours & I'm sleepy so I think I'm gonna go back to sleep. In terms of CTB planning I needa clear my system of interpersonal shit & keep thinking on method I will execute but pretty sure I've settled on one. Will purchase it next week when I have funds. So it's just about surviving until then.

My way of survival shall be sleep & starvation. I may eat tmrw to have some energy to do laundry but sometimes there is that anorexic energy so shall see how I feel tmrw. It's sad but a bit amazing how my body doesn't crave food in the same way. Like I'm dying fromnthe inside out.

I'm off to fall asleep to youtube videos & possibly read some kindle books. But mostly sleep.

Slept for an hour or 2. Woke up. Feeling hungry but not gonna eat.

My other worker text me as well "just checking in" I feel like I can feel the contempt within it. Earlier this week when mentioning the suicidal feelings in texts she just jumped over it and didn't really care which wasn't like before but as I know people get tired of the back and forth and shit.

So honestly its like why check in? You don't fucking care and it's obvious ur over it. So... just fuckin forget about me. I have my messages notifications off but just in case check the history especially given the events that happened yesterday.

I'm not replying to anyone. I'm done and gone even if im still here. I'm not an object or thing to be kept alive & checked on and thats what it feels like after a certain point. Like how easy it is to check if someone is still alive but not care about how they are suffering bc they are alive. I will not have my pain or feeling of not wanting to live be ignored or glossed over for the purpose of other feeling "ok" being I'm "alive" fuck that. I'm not alive and I'm not fucking wanting to be. There's nothing to discuss with anyone in my life anymore. I'll be gone soon enough. This distance is for the better. Im prepared to be shitty & alone throughout this process.


Anyway... I just want to go back to sleep sooo I'm gonna go do that.... might read a lil but im yawning sooo much rn so hopefully I can just go back to sleep.