violetforever
Specialist
- Dec 24, 2025
- 347
i tell my one and only dearest friend everything so after i told her ive been self harming i also told her i was practicing hanging. her reaction to this was expectedly stronger. she was basically worried but understanding about the self harm. she didn't try to tell me to not do it bc she knows its for like coping. i really appreciate that. she said she would rather me self harm than practice hanging since it could end up going wrong. lol she even said she would rather me start smoking? well whats the point in doing something that will slowly kill me if i could just kill myself in an instant and get the suffering over with? i never had an interest in smoking/drugs/alcohol or else id already have started. being around that lifestyle my entire life put me off to it. then she suggested taking more in person classes and a job to distract myself. its probably true that only going to class twice a week while i spend the rest of the week in bed miserable at home isnt helping but distractions arent solutions. im in school so obviously i have some plans for a future but whos to say those plans will actually happen and make a difference?
i feel not selfish but just sorry bc she said she wants us to finish our schooling and meet before we die. that seems too far away from how much longer i can stand to live though. our friendship is probably the biggest reason im able to endure everyday but i wonder if its slowly getting to be not enough. i said "before we die" bc she is also suicidal. thats the only reason why i told her about methods but now idk if i will. we openly express wanting to die but when i finally make an effort to get closer to dying its too much. i dont want her to reach the level of severity im at but i thought we actually wanted to do it. now i see that im the only one who is serious about it. i understand people can be suicidal and not take action but thats not where im at. i guess thats why im on here too. everyone here has more advanced ideation and intentions i can relate to.
i feel not selfish but just sorry bc she said she wants us to finish our schooling and meet before we die. that seems too far away from how much longer i can stand to live though. our friendship is probably the biggest reason im able to endure everyday but i wonder if its slowly getting to be not enough. i said "before we die" bc she is also suicidal. thats the only reason why i told her about methods but now idk if i will. we openly express wanting to die but when i finally make an effort to get closer to dying its too much. i dont want her to reach the level of severity im at but i thought we actually wanted to do it. now i see that im the only one who is serious about it. i understand people can be suicidal and not take action but thats not where im at. i guess thats why im on here too. everyone here has more advanced ideation and intentions i can relate to.
