I know this is done all the time but wanted to put my grain of salt.
Never knew the existance of this forum, long story short, depression since childhood always scaling up, mental issues, family issues, friend issues, love issues, dependency issues, economic issues, and as just stated, serious self-pity issues. Always felt alone, always turning crazy when loneliness comes to stay for too much in a row, and always showing how alone i am so everybody can go away and save theirselves the time.
There's been a significant number of up and downs, but this time since i've found you, im like in a new mental place.
Yes, shit is still, overwhelming, and still lose myself, and still do everything wrong and probably will independently of all this collection of life stories that should somehow be able to lit some teachings into all of us.
It's not like im not desperate anymore, but i do feel like im alone in a crowded place, all alone in some way, all of us dealing with our shit, unable or unwilling to really break the barriers and help each other with any more than a leaving window for people to see, that this world is shit, it is as shitty as shit can get, cause it OWNS the shit. If shit can happen, it will happen, and it can be anyone, and when is you it is just overwhelming, and there is nothing fucking wrong. Impersonating the shit is the most probable thing for you to be doing.
Happiness, joy, fullfillment, .. are just not meant for everyone. This is not wrong, this is natural, end it if you want, keep up the hope or not, here there is some of the shittier shits, stay, read, share, see where you stand on the scale of shitness if that gives you some relieve....
I dont know, i just think, that what im going through right know woul've been the one, it WAS the one. Now even the last things i cared are unchangibly lost, wont come back, wont ever again, i passed too many thresholds with too many people.
It's relieving to see, and feel, that YES, talking about suicide, making plans, feeling secure that u can just end it, can actually have a (talking only about myself maybe) soothing effect of kinds, that might give u, at least, "little boosts".
What i mean is that im in a intermitent "lucid" (probably fake, probably temporary, but its been recurring over weeks whenever i join the forum and start skimming) state of mind through this desperate moments, and i KNOW i would've collapsed every dimension of my life by know, because i have ALWAYS done it. This time, i've been able to not quit my job, not quit all my self-responsabilities (cleaning, eating, self caring, not all the time at least), and this time i would've not have got anything that could save me, no one to call for help, this would've left me in the street.
What u have provided for me is unvaluable, i've known for too long that i would eventually ctb, but this was drawn from confusing dispair, now it is drawn from acceptance that im just not cut for this. Dont know if eventually this will bring me closer to ctb or not, or what effect talking about this and accepting will have over time. But without the calm you've brought me the last few weeks, it would've been too many times worse, and that would have definitively killed me.
Its funny for me that a bunch with the likes of you, can save people
Im terribly sorry that you are here, and very grateful that you share.
Nice to meet you =)
Never knew the existance of this forum, long story short, depression since childhood always scaling up, mental issues, family issues, friend issues, love issues, dependency issues, economic issues, and as just stated, serious self-pity issues. Always felt alone, always turning crazy when loneliness comes to stay for too much in a row, and always showing how alone i am so everybody can go away and save theirselves the time.
There's been a significant number of up and downs, but this time since i've found you, im like in a new mental place.
Yes, shit is still, overwhelming, and still lose myself, and still do everything wrong and probably will independently of all this collection of life stories that should somehow be able to lit some teachings into all of us.
It's not like im not desperate anymore, but i do feel like im alone in a crowded place, all alone in some way, all of us dealing with our shit, unable or unwilling to really break the barriers and help each other with any more than a leaving window for people to see, that this world is shit, it is as shitty as shit can get, cause it OWNS the shit. If shit can happen, it will happen, and it can be anyone, and when is you it is just overwhelming, and there is nothing fucking wrong. Impersonating the shit is the most probable thing for you to be doing.
Happiness, joy, fullfillment, .. are just not meant for everyone. This is not wrong, this is natural, end it if you want, keep up the hope or not, here there is some of the shittier shits, stay, read, share, see where you stand on the scale of shitness if that gives you some relieve....
I dont know, i just think, that what im going through right know woul've been the one, it WAS the one. Now even the last things i cared are unchangibly lost, wont come back, wont ever again, i passed too many thresholds with too many people.
It's relieving to see, and feel, that YES, talking about suicide, making plans, feeling secure that u can just end it, can actually have a (talking only about myself maybe) soothing effect of kinds, that might give u, at least, "little boosts".
What i mean is that im in a intermitent "lucid" (probably fake, probably temporary, but its been recurring over weeks whenever i join the forum and start skimming) state of mind through this desperate moments, and i KNOW i would've collapsed every dimension of my life by know, because i have ALWAYS done it. This time, i've been able to not quit my job, not quit all my self-responsabilities (cleaning, eating, self caring, not all the time at least), and this time i would've not have got anything that could save me, no one to call for help, this would've left me in the street.
What u have provided for me is unvaluable, i've known for too long that i would eventually ctb, but this was drawn from confusing dispair, now it is drawn from acceptance that im just not cut for this. Dont know if eventually this will bring me closer to ctb or not, or what effect talking about this and accepting will have over time. But without the calm you've brought me the last few weeks, it would've been too many times worse, and that would have definitively killed me.
Its funny for me that a bunch with the likes of you, can save people
Im terribly sorry that you are here, and very grateful that you share.
Nice to meet you =)
