BitterlyAlive
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- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,635
I can't take it anymore. I've been loosely planning my suicide for so long and everything has been getting worse. I self harm nearly every day, the urges to cut my neck open are getting worse, the urges to kill myself are happening more often. The more prominent thoughts are hanging myself, consuming my SN... I want to die so bad. Last night I dreamed about cutting all over my body and attempting suicide.
I'm such an annoying, whiny, stupid burden on everyone. I infect people. I bring people down and I'm a selfish piece of shit. I'm worthless, I'm a bitch, I'm a horrible and despicable excuse for a human being. I've known this since I was a child.
I found a better place to end my life. The hotel is affordable and in a city that I feel comfortable in. My huge medical bill was written off, which leaves me with quite a bit more money in my account than I planned for. Even better. I really hope that it's enough to cover whatever expenses will need to be paid when I die. I wrote in my note that I don't want a funeral, because it's just too showy and expensive. So that should save my family lot of money.
I've reread and refined my note so it's not as long-winded. It sounds perfect. I hope that the police don't keep my note from my family and loved ones. They'll need it for closure, to know this was my choice and no one's fault, and for instructions.
Even the date sounds perfect. It's far enough away from birthdays and holidays, and November sounds like the perfect month for a suicide. I hope the weather cooperates with my plans.
I'm so damn tired and despite what people say, there's no hope for me. I've fought with my anxiety and depression as best as I could but it's too much. I can't reason with it, the excessive amount of meds I've tried haven't worked. Therapy is basically lying to myself. Hospitalization will only worsen things. Even if I thought I could get better, I don't deserve it. I'm not safe on my own and will end up killing myself impulsively, but I can't live anywhere else and be such a burden to anyone else. I suppose trauma has played a huge part in my suffering as well, but I feel that I've brought all of my "trauma" and those rapes onto myself because I'm such a sick, twisted person. It feels wrong to point the finger at other people.
I hope my therapist and psychiatrist don't catch on. I'm walking on a thin line already.
I'm so ready for this pain to be over. I've felt like suicide is my destiny for years. It's the only way out. And, most importantly, I can't wait to finally take myself out of people's lives and give them peace.
I'm so sorry if my posts are getting annoying or seem attention-seeking. I know I've been posting a lot about these things since September.
I'm such an annoying, whiny, stupid burden on everyone. I infect people. I bring people down and I'm a selfish piece of shit. I'm worthless, I'm a bitch, I'm a horrible and despicable excuse for a human being. I've known this since I was a child.
I found a better place to end my life. The hotel is affordable and in a city that I feel comfortable in. My huge medical bill was written off, which leaves me with quite a bit more money in my account than I planned for. Even better. I really hope that it's enough to cover whatever expenses will need to be paid when I die. I wrote in my note that I don't want a funeral, because it's just too showy and expensive. So that should save my family lot of money.
I've reread and refined my note so it's not as long-winded. It sounds perfect. I hope that the police don't keep my note from my family and loved ones. They'll need it for closure, to know this was my choice and no one's fault, and for instructions.
Even the date sounds perfect. It's far enough away from birthdays and holidays, and November sounds like the perfect month for a suicide. I hope the weather cooperates with my plans.
I'm so damn tired and despite what people say, there's no hope for me. I've fought with my anxiety and depression as best as I could but it's too much. I can't reason with it, the excessive amount of meds I've tried haven't worked. Therapy is basically lying to myself. Hospitalization will only worsen things. Even if I thought I could get better, I don't deserve it. I'm not safe on my own and will end up killing myself impulsively, but I can't live anywhere else and be such a burden to anyone else. I suppose trauma has played a huge part in my suffering as well, but I feel that I've brought all of my "trauma" and those rapes onto myself because I'm such a sick, twisted person. It feels wrong to point the finger at other people.
I hope my therapist and psychiatrist don't catch on. I'm walking on a thin line already.
I'm so ready for this pain to be over. I've felt like suicide is my destiny for years. It's the only way out. And, most importantly, I can't wait to finally take myself out of people's lives and give them peace.
I'm so sorry if my posts are getting annoying or seem attention-seeking. I know I've been posting a lot about these things since September.
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