Just a weird thought about Weed

[Deleted member 22650]

So all around me everyone smokes weed, it seems to calm them down and make them laugh at stupid things for no reason,
I was a drug user for quite a long time and i've always been since I was like 14, I saw the cool kids smoke weed and I wanted
so bad to be accepted, to feel cool, to feel part of the gang whatever, I started bringing Weed to school and smoke it like a
fucking wannabe retard right.

At that time Weed was the first drug I ever took, it made me do fucking cringe stupid shit, it made me do that thought I had
in mind but I was restraining myself to do it because it would look stupid or it was not appropriate, it was weird.
Then we could find Weed so my friend brought up some guy who was selling Speed, I fell in love with that shit.
Felt like all my moves all my thoughts were organized and I was getting everyone around so well and I felt I was on top of world.
Then I tried coke and oh boy I was in for a long ride.

Couple years later, after 50k$ lost in my nose, I tried smoking Weed again but that time I couldn't stand the feeling, it made me super
paranoid and I thought that everybody was seeing what I was thinking and the vibe overall felt like everyone hated me.
I talked about that my good friend who smokes weed on the daily and she told me this, weed makes you true to yourself.

I let that thought sunk in, after sometime pass I tried alone and yeah I realized that not only I was just a fucking awkward person in general,
I'm also mean, and by mean, I mean evil, like the guy you don't want as your friend, I never intended to be like this, it just seems like that's the way
it is, some people are born lovely and caring, I'm born manipulative and egoist. If you'd met me right now you wouldn't realize that because
I found out that to fit in the society I have to behave certain ways, but these didn't come naturally, and still don't, I lie consistently, it is not that I want to
it's because I have to, otherwise I'd would be rejected and would have no friends really like when I was young but after sometime especially
if we were to smoke weed together you'd see how I truly am. I won't go into details but I've done lots of weird ass shit as kid and
I truly believe that you are your genuine you when you are a kid.

In short, I just always hid this guy, the one that is deep inside, I buried him the deepest I could, and built myself a personality based on what
was well viewed by society, but I can't run from my reality anymore.

I could blame others and society as well, but I prefer to take that on me.

Anyone else feels this way?

 

[Georgii]

On the weed note I smoke sometimes , lately more otften then before exactly because if makes me relax ,it's giving me a state which I forget for a moment where or who I am. I still prefer smoking alone .


About my true persona I feel the same.
It started as a kid , seeing how people percived me that I started to change, to cover the way I am .
But the cover seems to crack slowly , revealing myself .
For me , it's something I can't stand .
But at the same time I'm exhausted .

 

[watsonsmith]

I can relate to this. Over the years, since early childhood pretty much, I was putting on different masks to get the affection and attention I otherwise should've gotten from my parents as a child. Eventually I arrived at a point that I no longer have any idea who I am or what I even like.

As for this darker side of you... some of it might be related to drug use, it can change a personality. I am sure you are not evil at heart, but the web of lies you say you created made you lost.

I had something like that come out of me in the last year, also after smoking weed. On the one side I became very creative and full of life, on the other I started behaving in ways I wouldn't recognise and eventually it was too late and I was sectioned.

I don't know if there is turning back from this. Starting life anew with a clean slate seems like the only option, but what to do if you have no idea who you are? I can't put up the facade anymore, I don't have the energy or willpower to keep on pretending. But I don't have anything else either. All my past relationships, including with the one I love the most seem to require this. But I just can't anymore, I don't want to lose her completely, but I myself am lost. This is my primary reason for CTB really.

 

[itachi of death]

I understand you truley,I am the opposite of you, I am a obnoxious and angry person sober.and I hate it soo much,if you can't stand yourself, can't expect anyone to be able to stand you ,idk thats how I feel so I smoke weed everyday it helps with the depression 50%of the time.thats why I dont like to socialize with people it makes me feel like shit for the things that come out of my mouth.

 

[Ghost2211]

In a sense it amplifies my true personality. I get happy, silly, social, mellow, relaxed, and easily entertained. The thing is it makes me dumb as hell. I'm not quick witted with humor, typing and mental processing takes longer, and my reading comprehension goes down a bit. I'm for sure not an idiot so I know that's not a personality element it brings out lol.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I guess it was the opposite for me. I never really gave a shit about being cool when I was younger, so I just did my own thing. If people liked me for who I was, they were my friends, and if they didn't or stopped liking me, then they stopped existing in my life. I think this was part of the reason why I never did drugs in high school because I was happier being a loner than having lots of friends, but I at least knew back then that most of them were fake POS anyway, so it didn't matter. Also, I was afraid of getting in trouble with the law, so that's another reason I stayed away from it as well.

Fast forward to two years ago, after a bunch of horrible shit happened, I turned into an angry asshole and I was ready to CTB then, but weed became legal and I've discovered that it actually helps me. I like smoking alone, rather than with others, but once in a while I make an exception to that. All I know is, I've never really had any bad effects from weed (except for the first time I tried edibles - ate too much and it was crazy). Of course I don't like to smoke a lot, just enough to feel relaxed. It seems to be the only thing that quiets the suicidal feelings and the rage is always lurking inside of me, waiting for something to trigger it. It saddens me that it's not legal everywhere and that some people don't get any benefits out of it.

 

[Spitfire]

A long long time ago I had a University doctor ask me to answer this one question, she asked "Who are you?"

I still do not know the answer to her question, strangely enough.

I thought it was great when I was traveling through staying in different weed legal places for a time. People would be smoking weed out in the open all over the place, especially after the sun went down. It was great!