Starry2He
Talking Corpse
- Oct 8, 2023
- 24
Hello everyone, my name is Starry! It's nice to meet you all. I haven't done forums since i was a wee teen, so i'm a bit rusty and unsure on etiquette. I apologize in advance for any missteps!
A brief about me: I am a trans woman, late 20's, with undiagnosed Autism and BPD.
I began having passive ideation when i was 8, and it advanced to active in teen years and into my 20s. I've been using my friends and loved ones as crutches in order to stay alive (back when i thought i needed to do that), costing me a lot of relationships. I have no friends, and since coming out as trans I lost most of my family, my brothers don't even check up or talk to me as much anymore.
I honestly feel like a fly on the wall that people look at with disgust when they happen to notice i exist.
I hate feeling like a waste of space.
Sure, i can attribute a lot of what im feeling to being borderline, (chronic feelings of emptiness, aggravated depression, emotional overreaction to tone shifts in friends), but i also know that it's difficult to treat the symptoms and it won't ever go away, so.
I've had 3 interrupted/aborted attempts (hanging and helium) this last year alone, mostly aborted because i didnt want to end up in the pysch ward when the attempt failed.
It is SUCH a relief to have found this place, so much information at my fingertips, i feel like i was a child playing at calculus. At least now i can be sure i won't fail next time!
My boyfriend is the only thing holding me back (and he is why i feel no fear of death anymore, ironically). I know i will be with him after i die, but he wants me to stay and live a full happy life with him. I'm so torn, i want to live that dream and it is honestly right at our fingertips, but existing is like my brain is on fire 24/7, I don't know how long i can take it. I am already at the end of my rope.
So yeah, i feel terrible for wanting to leave the love of my life like this, but i cant bear it. :)
thank you for listening to my rant and my story, I appreciate it
A brief about me: I am a trans woman, late 20's, with undiagnosed Autism and BPD.
I began having passive ideation when i was 8, and it advanced to active in teen years and into my 20s. I've been using my friends and loved ones as crutches in order to stay alive (back when i thought i needed to do that), costing me a lot of relationships. I have no friends, and since coming out as trans I lost most of my family, my brothers don't even check up or talk to me as much anymore.
I honestly feel like a fly on the wall that people look at with disgust when they happen to notice i exist.
I hate feeling like a waste of space.
Sure, i can attribute a lot of what im feeling to being borderline, (chronic feelings of emptiness, aggravated depression, emotional overreaction to tone shifts in friends), but i also know that it's difficult to treat the symptoms and it won't ever go away, so.
I've had 3 interrupted/aborted attempts (hanging and helium) this last year alone, mostly aborted because i didnt want to end up in the pysch ward when the attempt failed.
It is SUCH a relief to have found this place, so much information at my fingertips, i feel like i was a child playing at calculus. At least now i can be sure i won't fail next time!
My boyfriend is the only thing holding me back (and he is why i feel no fear of death anymore, ironically). I know i will be with him after i die, but he wants me to stay and live a full happy life with him. I'm so torn, i want to live that dream and it is honestly right at our fingertips, but existing is like my brain is on fire 24/7, I don't know how long i can take it. I am already at the end of my rope.
So yeah, i feel terrible for wanting to leave the love of my life like this, but i cant bear it. :)
thank you for listening to my rant and my story, I appreciate it
i'll let you know, and feel free to message me or ask me for anything as well!
