Venting just a vent

[sancsuinet]

I am not sick enough to be sick, im not healthy enough to be healthy. No one believes I need help when I ask but im not allowed to live without being *different*.
There is something so wrong with me, Im not suicidal but I am not not suicidal. I consider it and have spent years researching it and different ways to die and scientific reports on cases with people similar to me, LD50s, plants and reactions. Ive lurked here for months but only just made an account because i think im giving in to the fact that im not going to get support. im rejected over and over by doctors, organisations and the government. Ive been asking for therapy, councelling, assesments, something. I think im autistic, but no one will believe me, but i can see how everyone looks at me when i say things wrong or act weird or cant hold eye contact or dont understand when im being made fun of.

I have the life ive dreamed of for years. im young but i dropped out of uni and started art school, i have a fun job and im in a good city, i have cool friends, but theres somethign just wrong with me. i just still cant fit in. its been 7+ years of constant depression to various degrees. I am finally medicated for anxiety and its helped but i still keep coming back to this. im covered in scars but its never enough. no one takes me seriously. ive always dreamed of drowning. ever since i was a child. i want to float out and never come back.

 

[Holu]

I am not sick enough to be sick, im not healthy enough to be healthy. No one believes I need help when I ask but im not allowed to live without being *different*.
There is something so wrong with me, Im not suicidal but I am not not suicidal. I consider it and have spent years researching it and different ways to die and scientific reports on cases with people similar to me, LD50s, plants and reactions. Ive lurked here for months but only just made an account because i think im giving in to the fact that im not going to get support. im rejected over and over by doctors, organisations and the government. Ive been asking for therapy, councelling, assesments, something. I think im autistic, but no one will believe me, but i can see how everyone looks at me when i say things wrong or act weird or cant hold eye contact or dont understand when im being made fun of.

I have the life ive dreamed of for years. im young but i dropped out of uni and started art school, i have a fun job and im in a good city, i have cool friends, but theres somethign just wrong with me. i just still cant fit in. its been 7+ years of constant depression to various degrees. I am finally medicated for anxiety and its helped but i still keep coming back to this. im covered in scars but its never enough. no one takes me seriously. ive always dreamed of drowning. ever since i was a child. i want to float out and never come back.

We are wicked. It's simply hard to belong.

It seems like you have medical help available. Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about getting an evaluation. If you must you can always get another etc.

If you're told you're not, then don't bother with it. Something like that is very easy to fixate on.

I'm sorry for your many years of suffering. This world, its people, and its society are heartless. It's never easy fitting in, and never easy stomaching people making fun of you no matter how strong you are.

Still, I'm proud of how much you have accomplished. You're strong, very very strong. I'd guess you don't feel like it, especially if the pain is finally crushing your more than ever now but trust me you tough.

Anyways, welcome to our personal slice of hell. Grab a drink, take a deep breath, and feel free to converse with people here. We're all sorts of fucked up so we might be able to empathize or at least sympathize with you better than most.

If you need to talk or further vent always feel free to send me a message. Otherwise, these forms are honestly better, as the more the merrier.

Hope your day went okay. All love to you soldier

 

[uniqueusername39]

have you tried consulting more doctors? at least one of that lot would have gone to medschool to help people and not just for the status of having an MD title. maybe the ones you're approaching are just assholes. a lot of doctors are.

 

[Holu]

have you tried consulting more doctors? at least one of that lot would have gone to medschool to help people and not just for the status of having an MD title. maybe the ones you're approaching are just assholes. a lot of doctors are.

Ngl would you be surprised if a lot of the premed students I have interacted with said they are in their field cuz "it makes good money". That shits disgusting lowkey

 

[uniqueusername39]

Ngl would you be surprised if a lot of the premed students I have interacted with said they are in their field cuz "it makes good money". That shits disgusting lowkey

it's why i quit. i hated my classmates. egotistical bunch of shits who only got there because of their parents' money.

i only know of one person there who seemed to legitimately want to help people. she grew up in a rural village, and now wants to be a doctor in a rural village. no fancy going abroad to make more money kind of shit, even if our country is 3rd world, poor, does not treat healthcare professionals right. so there are good ones out there, albeit rare.

 

[Deleted member 60002]

Depression and similar illnesses are still so stigmatized these days. I believe it's partly because depression doesn't always show visible scars. Also, like you said, someone with depression is not "sick" in the "traditional" sense. I am glad you've found this forum. I am also very new here, but I can tell you that speaking to likeminded people has already benefited me far more than any medication or therapy has. Still, I hope you get the help you deserve or whatever else it is that you're looking for.

 

[sancsuinet]

We are wicked. It's simply hard to belong.

It seems like you have medical help available. Talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about getting an evaluation. If you must you can always get another etc.

If you're told you're not, then don't bother with it. Something like that is very easy to fixate on.

I'm sorry for your many years of suffering. This world, its people, and its society are heartless. It's never easy fitting in, and never easy stomaching people making fun of you no matter how strong you are.

Still, I'm proud of how much you have accomplished. You're strong, very very strong. I'd guess you don't feel like it, especially if the pain is finally crushing your more than ever now but trust me you tough.

Anyways, welcome to our personal slice of hell. Grab a drink, take a deep breath, and feel free to converse with people here. We're all sorts of fucked up so we might be able to empathize or at least sympathize with you better than most.

If you need to talk or further vent always feel free to send me a message. Otherwise, these forms are honestly better, as the more the merrier.

Hope your day went okay. All love to you soldier

yeah, I was at a univercity with a lot of med students, pretty much all of them were there because of the money or an obligation from their parents. all the good people couldnt handle the stress or the physics (lol) so really there isnt a huge level of hope for the system i have.
my country (not the us) is notorious for having a shit mental health system and im not even able to get into it. i am pushed around in circles like fucking pass the parcel. my gp wont give me a refferal, going private doesnt work because i need a referal to go private, im willing to pay the money but i cant. i just dont think support exists to be honest. its very disheartening just not being listened to. im also a notorious down player and liar when it comes to doctors and my anxiety makes it hard to ask for anything at all even the medication i need for my anxiety. i just want confirmation yes or no, but im just told to go to councelling that i get denied from anyway. Im also terrible at understanding my own emotions and explaining how im feeling or what i want, i hate 1-10 systems because they dont make sense to me because its all subjective so the numbers dont mean anything to me, and ive been depressed for years so when i say i feel like a 6 it doesnt mean like happy and content, a 6 means i feel marginally better than the neutral 5 with wirring thoughts of self harm that is my default and has been for as long as i can remember.

anyway, yeah, its nice to have a place to put my thoughts again and get feedback. ive been feeling lost and like im sinking again recently, esspecially since i have to keep going back to the doctors to get my prescription refilled every month, when i *hate* the doctors and didnt go for years before this. they look at me like im an ant who doesnt know anything. i feel very insignificant. i like my life. i like living. i just feel like i still cant understand myself or anything else. im still lost. im doing what i want but its so empty and vapid.

 

[Holu]

Hello! Reading your message breaks my soul. Still, I'm glad and proud of your for having the strength to continue despite all your suffering.

i just dont think support exists to be honest. its very disheartening just not being listened to. im also a notorious down player and liar when it comes to doctors

Society conditions us to be put in a front in which others believe we are doing better than we actually are. I'm the same way, and before I stopped therapy all my sessions were largely lies about how I was really doing. It's not that I didn't want help, or even sympathy, I just didn't feel comfortable sharing that information and honestly didn't want to deal with any of the repercussions from sharing such information. In the end, it can be incredibly difficult to share info with medical professionals, especially when it seems like they are doing their absolute best to not give a shit about you.

my country (not the us) is notorious for having a shit mental health system and im not even able to get into it. i am pushed around in circles like fucking pass the parcel. my gp wont give me a refferal, going private doesnt work because i need a referal to go private, im willing to pay the money but i cant. i just dont think support exists to be honest. its very disheartening just not being listened to.

Even in the U.S. mental health assistance isn't that great, despite all the "mental health awareness" we push. Sometimes, it seems like our mental health system values and builds itself around the average person's occasional crisis, rather than people with actual problems. I'm very very very sorry that your country is failing you. We as a community will do our absolute best to fill whatever communication or empathy void you are facing. Whilst we won't be able to fix it, hopefully we can provide comfort to your agony.

Im also terrible at understanding my own emotions and explaining how im feeling or what i want, i hate 1-10 systems because they dont make sense to me because its all subjective so the numbers dont mean anything to me, and ive been depressed for years so when i say i feel like a 6 it doesnt mean like happy and content, a 6 means i feel marginally better than the neutral 5 with wirring thoughts of self harm that is my default and has been for as long as i can remember.

As a person who likes the 1-10 I never really thought about its effects on someone who doesn't. If you're wondering why it's so prevalent, it's simply for your mental health professional to gauge improvements(or lack thereof) before a session. That's why most establishments will have that questionnaire. Still, a number cannot truly convey how someone is feeling. Sometimes, it's to the point where your own words can't. In times like these I'm greatful for music and places like this form, where somehow they are able to put emotions into words better than I ever could. Still, somethings are just unexplainable, and as a result you will feel only more lonely and depraved. It's normal to want to be understood, and frustrating when that fails to happen.

anyway, yeah, its nice to have a place to put my thoughts again and get feedback. ive been feeling lost and like im sinking again recently, esspecially since i have to keep going back to the doctors to get my prescription refilled every month, when i *hate* the doctors and didnt go for years before this. they look at me like im an ant who doesnt know anything.

Hehe vapid, what a cool word. First, problem solving(booo we hate problem solving helping). Is it possible to have your prescriptions mailed to you? Currently mine are since I also detest getting them face to face. Whilst I desperately need a checkup I'm not really in the mood for someone to go poking around my business. Hypocritical right? xD.

i feel very insignificant. i like my life. i like living. i just feel like i still cant understand myself or anything else. im still lost. im doing what i want but its so empty and vapid.

I'm glad you like living, it's a trait not to commonly seen amongst this form, and as much as I love the peace of death I still see beauty in life, as cruel and unforgiving as it is. Self understanding is hard if not impossible. Self reflection is something a lot of people do, but for those struggling it can be incredibly difficult due to the amount of pain it causes. Despite this, for whatever reason many people in pain still continue to self reflect, whether out of loneliness, masochism for the pain, or the relief that self pity brings. If you ever need someone to talk to about these things feel free to dm me. If I'm not available then I heavily encourage you to just communicate with the people on this form. They might not be you, but many will have similar experiences, which can help with the amount of empathy and overall connection between you and them.

I hope your days going okay(6/10 maybe? xD). We as a community will do our best to assist and listen to you. Amongst the forsaken you are not truly alone.