Venting Just a vent about being still alive

[DeadlyLiving]

God, I want to leave this life so badly but I am still alive and instead of getting the courage to finally end it I am just thinking about it. I feel like a damn failure.
Over two weeks ago I finally got my SN and I already have tagment and primperan, so everything I need to ctb is here but so am I.
It's not like I've changed my mind - I still want to die - I have no friends, my mother is addicted to drugs, I have no perspective in life and my anxiety and depression doesn't feel like it will ever be cured and even if all that would change I'd still have all these pieces which I would have to pick up to ever truly live and that is nearly impossible and I don't want it anyway.

My depression is dragging me so down even simple things feel like they take inhuman effort. I am definitely not afraid of dying, but to be completely honest I am afraid that I'd go to hell. Which is ridiculous since I don't believe in hell but that is what I was taught as kid. Maybe it is that? Or that I am afraid that I will spend eternity in my mind, only with my thoughts in an endless world of nothing, just a ghost of myself. Basically life without actually living.

I always wondered why people would have their methods readily available for the journey to the other side and are still alive. Well, know I know. Even though you want to die with every single piece of you, it is still not easy.
Sigh, guess I just wait until I feel truly ready. In the mean time I just have to prepare everything and maybe that brings me closure. In the end, time is not running away from me. The thing is just that I can barely copy with my depression anymore, it is getting worse and worse and my paranoia is starting to come back, worse than ever.

Life is weird.

 

[Lady black]

That´s really sad. But it seems you are still not ready now, you have to wait until everything get´s worse... Then this fear will leave you alone and you can go to eternity

 

[DownInaHole]

Why don't you want to truly live again?

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I'm glad I'm not alone. It's like that quote how everyone is alone in their pain, even when we are together. And some people could fix it all, but they'll never be the person you need them to be to be okay. I know this is all codependent as Hell but my own mother was an alcoholic and I have lots of dysfunction from that I suspect. Now my parents are gone and I'm just sort of drifting, and I'm tired. I hope you find your peace whatever you decide to do.

 

[DeadlyLiving]

Why don't you want to truly live again?

I don't want this life. I already suffered so much and I don't think I can ever be truly happy since I am stained with my past. I wasted my youth, lost so many people I loved because of my anxiety and trust issues, I've turned into a terrible person and did a lot of things I regret and can never undo. All these things form a burden I can't see myself ever carrying without breaking apart again and again.
I want a new chance through rebirth or a spend a happy eternity in afterlife.

I know this is all codependent as Hell but my own mother was an alcoholic and I have lots of dysfunction from that I suspect. Now my parents are gone and I'm just sort of drifting, and I'm tired. I hope you find your peace whatever you decide to do.

Not everyone should be a parent. It is hard enough to raise a kid but if you can't take care of it, it is just unfair to hurt another living being like that. Some people can't imagine how hard it is to have a short childhood because you had to grow up fast to take care of yourself. I also wish you peace and hope you can find your happiness in one way or another x

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I don't want this life. I already suffered so much and I don't think I can ever be truly happy since I am stained with my past. I wasted my youth, lost so many people I loved because of my anxiety and trust issues, I've turned into a terrible person and did a lot of things I regret and can never undo. All these things form a burden I can't see myself ever carrying without breaking apart again and again.
I want a new chance through rebirth or a spend a happy eternity in afterlife.


Not everyone should be a parent. It is hard enough to raise a kid but if you can't take care of it, it is just unfair to hurt another living being like that. Some people can't imagine how hard it is to have a short childhood because you had to grow up fast to take care of yourself. I also wish you peace and hope you can find your happiness in one way or another x

Thank you, I really these days often wish I hadn't been brought into the world because socially I'm a misfit and way behind, it's like I stopped emotionally maturing at about 12, socially and all that. It's such a lonely feeling to not be able to be close to people, I took on after my mother quite a lot. She tried to love me but she was messed up, dad was too in his enabling and passive aggressive avoidance, but everyone has problems and no ones' parents are or were perfect, some are just horrible. Mine were relatively good. Still I just feel like an outsider, sort of have all my life.

Thank you and same to you.

 

[DownInaHole]

I don't want this life. I already suffered so much and I don't think I can ever be truly happy since I am stained with my past. I wasted my youth, lost so many people I loved because of my anxiety and trust issues, I've turned into a terrible person and did a lot of things I regret and can never undo. All these things form a burden I can't see myself ever carrying without breaking apart again and again.
I want a new chance through rebirth or a spend a happy eternity in afterlife.

My past was unbearable and I suffered greatly for at least 2 decades.

You can amend your ways and become a better person. True happiness is possible.

 

[Lady black]

You can amend your ways and become a better person. True happiness is possible.

Not for everyone. Just stop that prolifer thing in every thread

 

[itsallover]

You sound pretty young. If I could do it all over again I would turn my back on conventional society as soon as I could. I let fear get the best of me in my life. I realized that school doesn't really mean shit. I would have up and joined the military after high school to get some direction. I'm looking into corrective surgery for my condition. If I'm denied that then I'm completely fucked. I dealt with an alcoholic father to the point he ruined me. If I was you I would try to find a way to live a decent life. It's really not that complicated as long as you don't deal with asshole parents, family members, and peers. At this point I've been almost completely abandoned and wish I had it in me back when I was younger to just not give a fuck and just look after me.

 

[azucaramargo]

You sound pretty young. If I could do it all over again I would turn my back on conventional society as soon as I could. I let fear get the best of me in my life. I realized that school doesn't really mean shit. I would have up and joined the military after high school to get some direction. I'm looking into corrective surgery for my condition. If I'm denied that then I'm completely fucked. I dealt with an alcoholic father to the point he ruined me. If I was you I would try to find a way to live a decent life. It's really not that complicated as long as you don't deal with asshole parents, family members, and peers. At this point I've been almost completely abandoned and wish I had it in me back when I was younger to just not give a fuck and just look after me.

I like what you wrote about turning your back on conventional society. That is cool!