Just a rant

[deadngoresurgery]

I am a terrible person. I deserve to die. I want to be hurt just like how I've hurt others. Everyday i wake up to fucking go to my classes and i can barely concentrate, and on top of that, these classes im taking are hard and have to study a lot. why do i even bother anymore? i mean, im doing this because i want to help people and try to have a better life, but its going to shit now. all my relationships are terrible and have to hide it. there's some train tracks near my dorm and have laid down on them before, but i want a suicide thats painless. just the thought of my body dead and mangled makes me happy and actually gives me a rush, idk how to describe it. i have also gotten some rocks near the train tracks to hurt myself, scratch me, give me bruises. im too pathetic and too much of a pussy to actually cut myself. i wish i had some kind of cream or medication that could 100% numb my skin and id go to town with a razor. ive even been thinking of doing it through some kind of lethal gas. ive been looking into jack kevorkian, who supported assisted suicide and he believed that people should have full autonomy of their bodies and when they should get a say in when to die (i fully support these ideas). he would assist his terminally ill patients in dying because he believed that they should not be forced to suffer any longer. he made his own little inventions to help with euthanization, which i wanna make some of my own. dying from breathing in lethal gas is very painless. you would pass out, then never wake up again. i love that idea. i forget which gasses to use and shit, but ill look more into it later. now i have to finish my chemistry homework and study for biology :/

well overall, fuck my life. im a piece of shit who shouldnt be alive. my mom shouldve aborted me. i wish the car accident wouldve killed me.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

What makes you say you're a terrible person, or that you hurt others so much you deserve death? Going by this post it sounds like you feel guilt, empathy, and you actively want to help people.

Don't answer that if you're not comfortable sharing. I don't mean to pry, I just observe that suicidal people are often unfairly hard on themselves. Myself included. I've had similar feelings after some of the many numerous mistakes I've made in life.

I relate to feeling happiness and a rush from imagining my own mangled body after CTB. It sounds morbid but it gives me a lot of comfort when I'm at my lowest points and need it the most.

Wishing you relief from any guilt/shame shackling you. And from the academic stresses. Classes make dealing with everything else that much harder.

 

[gasforme]

I feel the same these days I burned down so many bridges I am alone on an island.

 

[deadngoresurgery]

What makes you say you're a terrible person, or that you hurt others so much you deserve death? Going by this post it sounds like you feel guilt, empathy, and you actively want to help people.

Don't answer that if you're not comfortable sharing. I don't mean to pry, I just observe that suicidal people are often unfairly hard on themselves. Myself included. I've had similar feelings after some of the many numerous mistakes I've made in life.

I relate to feeling happiness and a rush from imagining my own mangled body after CTB. It sounds morbid but it gives me a lot of comfort when I'm at my lowest points and need it the most.

Wishing you relief from any guilt/shame shackling you. And from the academic stresses. Classes make dealing with everything else that much harder.

Thank you so much. I hope you get better and get any kind of relief from whatever is tormenting you :)
But is it alright if I DM you privately for that first part?

 

[SanagiMezamete]

But is it alright if I DM you privately for that first part?

Be my guest. EDIT: Whenever DMs are open for you, that is. No rush.