I've set a date. I've got a partner. I've got a method. If my partner bails I realized I still want to do it either way, even alone. Even if he watches me jump and steals my car afterwards I don't care, I'll be dead. I'm disabling my account soon (wish I could just wipe everything but oh well, there are few things more permanent than the internet) I just wanted to make one last post I guess.
There are a lot of reasons I want to commit suicide. I've felt this way since I was a child. Ultimately I've always known it would end like this, self fulfilling prophecy I guess but I chugged along for a false hope I would change my mind. I have nothing. No hope no reason no people. The people who are in my life would genuinely be better off if I wasn't around, I've come to realize that. it would hurt them at first, I know they will be sad but people who want to live are resilient. They find other people, new reasons, new drives. I am not that kind of person. I am a quitter. I am a cynical, sarcastic, low self esteem, neurotic person. I know I sound pathetic and whiny to non quitters but I am speaking to other quitters here. People can make amazing turn arounds if they try but I just don't think the reward is worth it. The reward is more living. I don't want the reward. Genuinely. People in worse situations than me can keep going and get better because they want the reward. They want to keep living. Good for them, I hope they get what they want. But I don't want it. It's hard for survivors to believe that but these are the two types of people in the world. Those who think living is worth something and those who don't. I cannot do this anymore. I am tired. I want to rest. I want peace. My whole life I've just wanted peace. Peace on earth, peace with others, peace in my own mind.
Death is the ultimate peace, the silent nothingness. There is nothing after death. No company, no laughter, no hell, no sadness, no art, no judgement, no worries. I think nature is beautiful. Nature is life. I've always loved it. But beauty can be very deceptive. I think the beauty of life is what makes people want it. The beautiful scenery, the beautiful people, the beautiful moments. But I have seen enough. I have seen the ugly as well. Death is letting go. I am deciding to let go.
Thank you to the people who answered my questions here and helped me. Whichever way you go, I hope you find what you're looking for.
There are a lot of reasons I want to commit suicide. I've felt this way since I was a child. Ultimately I've always known it would end like this, self fulfilling prophecy I guess but I chugged along for a false hope I would change my mind. I have nothing. No hope no reason no people. The people who are in my life would genuinely be better off if I wasn't around, I've come to realize that. it would hurt them at first, I know they will be sad but people who want to live are resilient. They find other people, new reasons, new drives. I am not that kind of person. I am a quitter. I am a cynical, sarcastic, low self esteem, neurotic person. I know I sound pathetic and whiny to non quitters but I am speaking to other quitters here. People can make amazing turn arounds if they try but I just don't think the reward is worth it. The reward is more living. I don't want the reward. Genuinely. People in worse situations than me can keep going and get better because they want the reward. They want to keep living. Good for them, I hope they get what they want. But I don't want it. It's hard for survivors to believe that but these are the two types of people in the world. Those who think living is worth something and those who don't. I cannot do this anymore. I am tired. I want to rest. I want peace. My whole life I've just wanted peace. Peace on earth, peace with others, peace in my own mind.
Death is the ultimate peace, the silent nothingness. There is nothing after death. No company, no laughter, no hell, no sadness, no art, no judgement, no worries. I think nature is beautiful. Nature is life. I've always loved it. But beauty can be very deceptive. I think the beauty of life is what makes people want it. The beautiful scenery, the beautiful people, the beautiful moments. But I have seen enough. I have seen the ugly as well. Death is letting go. I am deciding to let go.
Thank you to the people who answered my questions here and helped me. Whichever way you go, I hope you find what you're looking for.
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