My mom came in my room just to yell at me. She was yelling at me about how it's "ridiculous" that "all I do is lay in bed" and that it needs to stop. Then she slammed the door. I'm such a fucking bitch, all I could do was yell at her to leave me alone. Now my mom is stomping around and slamming shit from the sound of it. God. I hate myself so much.
I'm going to be homeless at this rate, despite paying rent and trying to keep my job, but I deserve it. I'm a piece of shit. I'm worthless. Cutting myself isn't nearly enough punishment. I deserve so much more.
I've been like this for about a year now. I'm so damn tired and I don't care to do anything. My body hurts, I either feel numb and empty or I feel too much shame and guilt to do anything. Today is one of those days where I can't even sit up.
I've taken so many meds all year and nothing has helped. How the hell can therapy help when I feel like I deserve this, when they just tell me the same shit I've already read before? But I guess it's just more proof that I'm garbage. Honestly. My therapist was right yesterday about all the shit they said and implied.
I can't wait until I kill myself. Everyone can get a break and take a huge sigh of relief because I'll finally be gone. They won't have to put up with me and my toxic, shitty ass anymore. I hope no one tries to force me into the hospital before then.
Last edited:
Reactions:
x~Sophia~x, disabledandhopeless, waived and 16 others
My mom was like that too. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I don't know why a parent would ever think yelling at their child about depression would improve things.
Reactions:
x~Sophia~x, disabledandhopeless, waived and 6 others
My mom was like that too. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I don't know why a parent would ever think yelling at their child about depression would improve things.
I tried to have her and my dad talk to someone over the summer, someone I really trusted and knew would be able to explain depression. But they refused to go. They think I'm just making excuses. I'm fucking trapped in this hell, but I'm not really depressed, I'm just saying I am.
People are convinced I need to go to a hospital but how the hell will that help me???? It's just going to make things even worse. Fuck.
Reactions:
x~Sophia~x, puppy9, GoodPersonEffed and 2 others
I tried to have her and my dad talk to someone over the summer, someone I really trusted and knew would be able to explain depression. But they refused to go. They think I'm just making excuses. I'm fucking trapped in this hell, but I'm not really depressed, I'm just saying I am.
People are convinced I need to go to a hospital but how the hell will that help me???? It's just going to make things even worse. Fuck.
My mom came in my room just to yell at me. She was yelling at me about how it's "ridiculous" that "all I do is lay in bed" and that it needs to stop. Then she slammed the door. I'm such a fucking bitch, all I could do was yell at her to leave me alone. Now my mom is stomping around and slamming shit from the sound of it. God. I hate myself so much.
I'm going to be homeless at this rate, despite paying rent and trying to keep my job, but I deserve it. I'm a piece of shit. I'm worthless. Cutting myself isn't nearly enough punishment. I deserve so much more.
I've been like this for about a year now. I'm so damn tired and I don't care to do anything. My body hurts, I either feel numb and empty or I feel too much shame and guilt to do anything. Today is one of those days where I can't even sit up.
I've taken so many meds all year and nothing has helped. How the hell can therapy help when I feel like I deserve this, when they just tell me the same shit I've already read before? But I guess it's just more proof that I'm garbage. Honestly. My therapist was right yesterday about all the shit they said and implied.
I can't wait until I kill myself. Everyone can get a break and take a huge sigh of relief because I'll finally be gone. They won't have to put up with me and my toxic, shitty ass anymore. I hope no one tries to force me into the hospital before then.
My mom came in my room just to yell at me. She was yelling at me about how it's "ridiculous" that "all I do is lay in bed" and that it needs to stop. Then she slammed the door. I'm such a fucking bitch, all I could do was yell at her to leave me alone. Now my mom is stomping around and slamming shit from the sound of it. God. I hate myself so much.
I'm going to be homeless at this rate, despite paying rent and trying to keep my job, but I deserve it. I'm a piece of shit. I'm worthless. Cutting myself isn't nearly enough punishment. I deserve so much more.
I've been like this for about a year now. I'm so damn tired and I don't care to do anything. My body hurts, I either feel numb and empty or I feel too much shame and guilt to do anything. Today is one of those days where I can't even sit up.
I've taken so many meds all year and nothing has helped. How the hell can therapy help when I feel like I deserve this, when they just tell me the same shit I've already read before? But I guess it's just more proof that I'm garbage. Honestly. My therapist was right yesterday about all the shit they said and implied.
I can't wait until I kill myself. Everyone can get a break and take a huge sigh of relief because I'll finally be gone. They won't have to put up with me and my toxic, shitty ass anymore. I hope no one tries to force me into the hospital before then.
All people are worthless, majority do not realise it. Mindless animals following their primal instincts, unable to comprehend how broken the system around them is.
I take pride in the fact that I do not delude in positive lies about myself and the world, unfortune that you find such knowledge shameful.
Reactions:
Trannydiary, peacechoice, GoodPersonEffed and 2 others
All people are worthless, majority do not realise it. Mindless animals following their primal instincts, unable to comprehend how broken the system around them is.
I take pride in the fact that I do not delude in positive lies about myself and the world, unfortune that you find such knowledge shameful.
I tried to have her and my dad talk to someone over the summer, someone I really trusted and knew would be able to explain depression. But they refused to go. They think I'm just making excuses.
Well then, the issue isn't depression or you. The issue is that they want you to perceive things as they do and to do things they want you to do -- the issue is them, you're the object of their issue; you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. If they can't either, then it doesn't come back to you. If it were about the issue, and about you, they would be open to listening to outside opinions, including those that supported you.
I say this not because I know your parents, but because I pay attention to the events you describe, and because I've read exhaustively about these kinds of issues, and because I've done so much to get myself out of these kinds of issues.
Therefore I also say it because of how my own parents were controlling, and avoided any input that was on my side and required them to look at themselves instead of target and blame me, that didn't justify their dominance and their idea they were entitled to dominate me. I wonder if any of this would resonate with your own experiences... They allowed me to go to a child psychologist after repeatedly running away or being kicked out, then pulled me out of therapy after the first session when I told the psychologist about the abuse and he stopped earl to meet with my parents to see if they'd do family therapy; my mother said on the way out of his office, after barking at me in the waiting room that we were leaving, that I wasn't returning (I was heartbroken after being heard and validated) and, "We're not going to change, you are." When they joined Tough Love when I had run away once, and there was intervention from the group leaders to give us equal power to call time outs from fights escalating to my being beaten, my parents took the family out of the organization, promised to keep the rules we'd contracted for, and the first time I lied and a fight escalated, I called a time out for the first time; my mother said I broke an agreed-upon rule, so all the rules were out the window, I was not allowed to call a time-out, and and of course it ended in a beating. And of course the only rules that were out the window were the ones my parents had to follow. My parents had a private wedding without their own parents, and agreed when I made the decision; my husband said he didn't care about any details except that he didn't want the wedding videotaped as a friend had a bad experience. Can you guess who snuck into the balcony before the wedding and videoed it, and poor her, who had to stifle her sniffles when she started crying becaue I was crying? Can you guess who shunned my husband for demanding the videotape when when she confessed what she'd done? Can you guess, when I talked to her about possibly divorcing him, who said if I didn't follow through, I'd be out of the will because she didn't want any of their stuff going to him? Can you guess who wouldn't let me copy her recipes I'd grown up with because my husband would enjoy them?
My friend, if any of this sounds familiar, I guarantee you it's not because I was a bitch for stating my boundaries or protecting myself. I guaranteed you my parents did not want me to get better, they wanted me to comply to make them look better, feel better, and be in control of me.
My friend, people are telling you good and supportive things about you because they are true, and because you are worthy. I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable with that, I genuinely care about your comfort, but there's a reason why I and, I think, others try to get through -- because you're one of the good ones. The world is better with you in it than not. If you're not better in the world, I totally get it, but I think you're better not in the world of your family and in the world of therapists who don't accept your boundaries and your self-determination.
I don't mean to step into your stuff here, I know you're overwhelmed. But I'm going to offer you something because I care, and I'm not attached to you accepting it. You can toss it if you want, use it now, use it later, use only some of it whenever -- it's totally up to you and I don't judge or want you to do anything to serve me, only yourself. I'll put it in a spoiler, you don't even have to look at it. It's opinion and suggestion.
Sending a supportive, non-creepy hug for if and when you want it, and to use if and when you choose.
Based on what you say about your parents, and based on my own experiences, I think they're toxic and controlling. I don't think they want what's best for you, I think they want what they want, see things how they see them, and they don't want to change their perspective or actions. I think this makes things like anxiety and depression worse, not better, because you're not heard or respected, and more and more stuff gets put on you that isn't yours to carry around or take in. It seems like they're pushing awful hard for you to do that, and getting worse when you don't. That's on them. I'm cheering you on to say stop, get out, no -- whatever words keep pointing out the bounds of your separateness and autonomy.
My suggestion is to step outside of the struggle, step outside all of your problems, and view them dispassionately. Maybe do something like a mindmap to help you see issues more clearly, see what you want and need, and see potential solutions. I don't know what those solutions are, but I know housing is a huge issue, and I wonder what supports are available to you. Like, DV shelters aren't fun, but they are a stepping stone to things like transitional housing, which may not be fun but is less not-fun than a DV shelter, which is less not-fun than a homeless shelter, which is less not-fun than your living environment. What you're experiencing with your parents qualifies as domestic violence, which is not only physical; DV is about power and control, and the violence is being done to your emotions, your mind, your psyche, your self-definition, and your self-worth. It is almost literally destroying you. DV is destructive of the other, outside to inside, inside to outside.
Finally, I would suggest not viewing any of this -- problems or potential solutions -- as all-or-none or through any other type of similar lens. More like, "Can I do this one thing? If not now, can I maybe do it later? Can I do a different thing?" You could do this whenever you're feeling overwhelmed by all your situations and hopeless. "What do I want?" Doesn't matter what it is, no self-censoring. And then, "Can I do one thing? Half a thing? What would one thing or a half a thing be that I could do?"
Long post here. No rush to read it, no demand that you do.
Well then, the issue isn't depression or you. The issue is that they want you to perceive things as they do and to do things they want you to do -- the issue is them, you're the object of their issue; you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. If they can't either, then it doesn't come back to you. If it were about the issue, and about you, they would be open to listening to outside opinions, including those that supported you.
I say this not because I know your parents, but because I pay attention to the events you describe, and because I've read exhaustively about these kinds of issues, and because I've done so much to get myself out of these kinds of issues.
Therefore I also say it because of how my own parents were controlling, and avoided any input that was on my side and required them to look at themselves instead of target and blame me, that didn't justify their dominance and their idea they were entitled to dominate me. I wonder if any of this would resonate with your own experiences... They allowed me to go to a child psychologist after repeatedly running away or being kicked out, then pulled me out of therapy after the first session when I told the psychologist about the abuse and he stopped earl to meet with my parents to see if they'd do family therapy; my mother said on the way out of his office, after barking at me in the waiting room that we were leaving, that I wasn't returning (I was heartbroken after being heard and validated) and, "We're not going to change, you are." When they joined Tough Love when I had run away once, and there was intervention from the group leaders to give us equal power to call time outs from fights escalating to my being beaten, my parents took the family out of the organization, promised to keep the rules we'd contracted for, and the first time I lied and a fight escalated, I called a time out for the first time; my mother said I broke an agreed-upon rule, so all the rules were out the window, I was not allowed to call a time-out, and and of course it ended in a beating. And of course the only rules that were out the window were the ones my parents had to follow. My parents had a private wedding without their own parents, and agreed when I made the decision; my husband said he didn't care about any details except that he didn't want the wedding videotaped as a friend had a bad experience. Can you guess who snuck into the balcony before the wedding and videoed it, and poor her, who had to stifle her sniffles when she started crying becaue I was crying? Can you guess who shunned my husband for demanding the videotape when when she confessed what she'd done? Can you guess, when I talked to her about possibly divorcing him, who said if I didn't follow through, I'd be out of the will because she didn't want any of their stuff going to him? Can you guess who wouldn't let me copy her recipes I'd grown up with because my husband would enjoy them?
My friend, if any of this sounds familiar, I guarantee you it's not because I was a bitch for stating my boundaries or protecting myself. I guaranteed you my parents did not want me to get better, they wanted me to comply to make them look better, feel better, and be in control of me.
My friend, people are telling you good and supportive things about you because they are true, and because you are worthy. I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable with that, I genuinely care about your comfort, but there's a reason why I and, I think, others try to get through -- because you're one of the good ones. The world is better with you in it than not. If you're not better in the world, I totally get it, but I think you're better not in the world of your family and in the world of therapists who don't accept your boundaries and your self-determination.
I don't mean to step into your stuff here, I know you're overwhelmed. But I'm going to offer you something because I care, and I'm not attached to you accepting it. You can toss it if you want, use it now, use it later, use only some of it whenever -- it's totally up to you and I don't judge or want you to do anything to serve me, only yourself. I'll put it in a spoiler, you don't even have to look at it. It's opinion and suggestion.
Sending a supportive, non-creepy hug for if and when you want it, and to use if and when you choose.
Based on what you say about your parents, and based on my own experiences, I think they're toxic and controlling. I don't think they want what's best for you, I think they want what they want, see things how they see them, and they don't want to change their perspective or actions. I think this makes things like anxiety and depression worse, not better, because you're not heard or respected, and more and more stuff gets put on you that isn't yours to carry around or take in. It seems like they're pushing awful hard for you to do that, and getting worse when you don't. That's on them. I'm cheering you on to say stop, get out, no -- whatever words keep pointing out the bounds of your separateness and autonomy.
My suggestion is to step outside of the struggle, step outside all of your problems, and view them dispassionately. Maybe do something like a mindmap to help you see issues more clearly, see what you want and need, and see potential solutions. I don't know what those solutions are, but I know housing is a huge issue, and I wonder what supports are available to you. Like, DV shelters aren't fun, but they are a stepping stone to things like transitional housing, which may not be fun but is less not-fun than a DV shelter, which is less not-fun than a homeless shelter, which is less not-fun than your living environment. What you're experiencing with your parents qualifies as domestic violence, which is not only physical; DV is about power and control, and the violence is being done to your emotions, your mind, your psyche, your self-definition, and your self-worth. It is almost literally destroying you. DV is destructive of the other, outside to inside, inside to outside.
Finally, I would suggest not viewing any of this -- problems or potential solutions -- as all-or-none or through any other type of similar lens. More like, "Can I do this one thing? If not now, can I maybe do it later? Can I do a different thing?" You could do this whenever you're feeling overwhelmed by all your situations and hopeless. "What do I want?" Doesn't matter what it is, no self-censoring. And then, "Can I do one thing? Half a thing? What would one thing or a half a thing be that I could do?"
All people are worthless, majority do not realise it. Mindless animals following their primal instincts, unable to comprehend how broken the system around them is.
I take pride in the fact that I do not delude in positive lies about myself and the world, unfortune that you find such knowledge shameful.
Honestly humans are worse than cockroaches. They are the bane of planet earth. Most people are living lives they hate and only we have the balls to admit this shit is mostly a waste of time.
This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
