Horrible. Last week my lectures have started and I also met my new self-help group last week for the first time. I wanted to have time to reflect on it. I won't explain all details due to my anxiety of being identified. Though small weird observations are sometimes the things that make a story become alive.
It is a college self-help group and the problem is for me most of these people are so fucking vanilla. Several people explained since they are taking the right medication their life is amazing over a very long period. Sorry bro but why are you then in a fucking self-help group? I want people in similar pain. Of course I understand also less severe ill people can benefit of such groups. However it showed me once again how insane it is that I study in the first place. I am WAY WAY WAY too ill for this bullshit. Prior to the last semester my GPA was 3.9. I have due to OCD extreme perfectionsim. College triggers the shit out of me. Noone would voluntarily endue all of this insane torture. My anxiety skyrockets the whole semester. Last week the lectures have started and college fucks my brain already so fucking much. Two of my former therapists gave me up when it seemed like I am not able to get a stable income. I will ctb eventually due to the low amount of money that welfare provides. (their logic)
And they are so fucking right. I plan to kill myself when that shit happens. But there are way more scenarios when I plan to kill myself. I am just doing this college shit because I want to remain a tiny hope for a stable income. I don't want to try gig economy I am not made for that. To be honest I think college is pretty useless. I will never be able to hold a job. I do it to calm my parents and I don't want that it becomes a self-fulfiling prophecy. I don't want to blame it on myself when I ctb eventually.
Of course not all people were fully open in that group. It even seems likely that people would not open up about suicidality in such a group due to the fact how stigmatized it is and due to the fact many people seem to love and enjoy their life in this group. However most of them were open enough to judge that their problems were not at all close to the severity of my issues. When I opened up about my struggles I only explained some less severe issues that I am facing mentally. I never considered to open up about suicidality. I was scared to mention psychoses and bipolar disorder because it was so obvious these people had way less severe problems. I described my day and my feelings and I think many were puzzled that I called it a somewhat good day. I think most people would have called it horrendous. However my life quality is simply dog shit. I hate my life. My life quality is nightmarish since almost a decade. I think objectively it is very low. And this is likely the best life quality in my whole remaining life. Without the support of my parents I will be forced to commit suicide. I am determined to go through with it in this case I don't let my destroyed nervous system torture me further several decades. I am suicidal since one decade. Nothing helps. Some of these people called the past weeks of their lives amazing. Bro I am so fucking happy when I can say I have 5 good hours. This is basically the best time of my year when I have 8 hours with no severe mental torment. (I still have suicidal thoughts.)
I know where the shit (my life) is heading. It will become so much worse. And I am not ready to accept that. The likelihood to recover in a decent way is extremely low in my case. I keep playing this game. However I am convinced I won't survive more rock bottoms. I am bipolar it is very very likely that I "will" (not if I kill myself) have to endure several more breakdowns in my life. My therapists also admitted that. It is very likely that there will come further major crises. Well I know I gonna kill myself then. So it is not hard to figure out my future. But this is something I did not admit openly because I was scared they could prevent it. I once talked with my current psychiatrist about it pretty openly. She was worried some weeks or months but forgot it eventually because I did not bring it up further. There is simply no benefit to repeat that fact. The atmosphere rather got hostile. She denied even talking about assited suicide categorically and I don't like to be belittled like that.
I know maybe it is offensive but these people seemed to have so vanilla problems. Comparatively easy to solve in contrast to my issues. (this is what I mean with vanilla). Okay it was the first time I met them maybe I am the ignorant person who judges too fast. Though I am obsessed about my suicide since a decade. I think people like me usually don't study. But it makes me wonder. I had contact with this bipolar girl and she also said in such college self-help groups there are usually not people like us. I ask myself why. I genuinely ask myself why there are not more total wrecks like me in such groups. These people seemed to feel mediocre but not like the hell that I am in or that many people on here have to experience.
I will dedicate a lot of space to this question later. And I am curious what your hypotheses are maybe you already have made similar or different experiences.
But first. I already was in in one bipolar self-help group. And there most people were doing way better than me. But compared to the college self-help group many experienced way severe crises in their lives. Also suicidality which most people only admited after digging deep enough. However I met one guy I wrote several times about him in this forum and many people were interested in him. I had one honest suicide talk with him in my bipolar self-help group. And we both admitted when we were alone that we are gonna kill ourselves. On the outside he is a such an happy father and on the outside it seems that barely anyone knows his secret. He seems to endure all that insane pain by himself without much help. I doubt he is transparent towards his wife. However the extent of honesty would interest me really. There was no hope in his eyes. But he endured his pain so far pretty stoic. He tried to kill himself a couple of times and came close to dying. Complete suicides are widedspread in his family. I still feel a connection to him. I never met someone in real life who admitted he is feeling as suicidal and nightmarish as me. I looked in his eyes and there was no hope. He tried a lot to get better but similar to me it just tortures him excessively.
I still have some naive hope compared to him but he is way older. I respect him for enduring all of this hell probably for the sake of his family. It must be horrible to know that your children will have to experience the suicide of their father one day. I assume he tries to be strong for his family. He procreated prior to knowing he was bipolar. In clinics I met people in similar pain to me. But for most people this seemed to be a temporary time period. Or they were not as suicidal as me. There was one very weird guy who was totally broken just like me. He was in major pain every single day just like me.
Though he was not suicidal which puzzled me to be honest. The bipolar suicidal dad was the person I could relate the most concerning suicide in real life in my whole life. But when the others were around we never talked explicitly about it. And he chuckled because my way to deal with it was so much different compared to his behavior. He was always so calm and barely talked at all. He just said he enjoys to listen to us. He had a sense for dark humor for sure. But I think many people are dependent on that while experiencing daily living hell. I have close to zero contact with him anymore though.
Mental wrecks like me or him seem to be seldom in self-help groups. There are many mental wrecks in this forum though. But here is the question why are them so much more seldom in self-help groups? Also related to the one I joined lately that I might quit soon because SaSu is so fucking much better for me. I can be honest and I relate to the people so much more. It is easier to write my thoughts down than to saying it aloud in front of people.
1. My self-helf group was a college group. There are not that many mental wrecks who are able to study. Not sure how strong that argument is. Please share your thoughts. In other countries college costs a lot of money and mental wreck tend to struggle financially. Maybe they are not able to finance it. I think also in my country the people who study tend to come from the upper middle class. (but not all)
2. I might underestimate the pain of some members of the self-help group. I am pretty good at judging people mental health wise. I had so fucking much group therapy. There were people who openly and honestly said their life is great currently and it was totally believable. The people who were quiet and calm. These were the potential wrecks in my eyes. However not everyone who is on the outside happy is genuinely happy and not all people who are calm are mental wrecks. Though it just did not make much sense to talk bullshit about your feelings in such a magnitude. Most of them expressed insecurities and sorrows but did not hint to any major pain. Most of them seemed not to be in extreme trouble. (in contrast to me)
3. Maybe mental wrecks dislike such self-help groups due to similar reasons than me. To talk openly about suicide is so stigmatized. I don't like talking too pejoratively about positivity but there certainly is toxic positivity. I am 100% certain if I keep going to that group I will have to endure very toxic advices of ignorant people. I had the feeling several members were puzzled why I seemingly struggle this much. They said about themselves they feel great since they are taking antidepressants. Well guys and girls they don't work for me. I tried insanely much differrent therapies and medication. My life quality is still horrendous. I have tried over 25 different medication. Most of the members seemed to be pretty carefree. There are so many people with somewhat mediocre lives who are privileged but who are not self-aware about it. Therapy and medication is not wokring for everyone. And SO SO many people don't acknowledge that. The people on SaSu do that. In other online places or in real life self-help groups saying something like that is a taboo. There is often vicitim blaming. The person simply does not want to get better or is not trying it hard enough and all of that ignorant and cynical bullshit. I have sometimes the feeling people might be too negative about therapy on here. However I also made horrible experiences. I know where the people are coming from. If you join such a group there will be so many remarks from privileged people who look down at you. And I am so fucking sick of it. Sanctioned Suicide is SO SO fucking much better in this instance. I am so thankful that I have this forum. After experiences like in that self-help group I feel even more comforted being able to share my thoughts on this platform where I don't have to censor my honest feelings and thoughts.
4. Many mental wrecks might be suicidal. And talking in real life about suicidality can end pretty badly. I have heard so much horrible takes. I can understand why people spare that to themselves. I think I would never admit severe persisting suicidality in such a college self-help group. I once did that in my bipolar self-help group and the people there hurt me a lot.
5. Mental wrecks might struggle with real life social interactions (just like me) and prefer online communication.
6. Maybe some mental wrecks don't search for help. Maybe they come to the conclusion therapy does not help them (enough). Maybe they instead envy other people with better life qualities (slightly similar to my case sadly) in such groups. However potentially it could also be true that some mental wrecks feel that nightmarish because they categorically deny the option therapy (like self-help groups) and medication. I don't say this would apply to many people. However for an honest argumentation this hypothesis also has to be considered.
7. Maybe mental wrecks come to the conclusion that only the contact with a professional in a single not group session is helping them. There are many variables which could explain that and it fits to other arguments that I layed out here. Though I have made already 3 psychotherapies and it is questionable whether my insurance pays for another one. I don't want to spend my savings on it for sure. I have to wait 2 years before being able to apply for another psychotherapy but I think I would desperately need it now. In a clinic a psychiatrist told me we already have done the maximum to increase your life quality. I think they are right. Though I still wanna die.
There are probably way more explanations but I need to rest. This vent helped me to deal me with my frustrating self-help experience. But I have the feeling the people on her know that pain. But I am also interested in opinions or experiences that fully contradict the message or conclusion of this thread.
Thanks for reading!
It is a college self-help group and the problem is for me most of these people are so fucking vanilla. Several people explained since they are taking the right medication their life is amazing over a very long period. Sorry bro but why are you then in a fucking self-help group? I want people in similar pain. Of course I understand also less severe ill people can benefit of such groups. However it showed me once again how insane it is that I study in the first place. I am WAY WAY WAY too ill for this bullshit. Prior to the last semester my GPA was 3.9. I have due to OCD extreme perfectionsim. College triggers the shit out of me. Noone would voluntarily endue all of this insane torture. My anxiety skyrockets the whole semester. Last week the lectures have started and college fucks my brain already so fucking much. Two of my former therapists gave me up when it seemed like I am not able to get a stable income. I will ctb eventually due to the low amount of money that welfare provides. (their logic)
And they are so fucking right. I plan to kill myself when that shit happens. But there are way more scenarios when I plan to kill myself. I am just doing this college shit because I want to remain a tiny hope for a stable income. I don't want to try gig economy I am not made for that. To be honest I think college is pretty useless. I will never be able to hold a job. I do it to calm my parents and I don't want that it becomes a self-fulfiling prophecy. I don't want to blame it on myself when I ctb eventually.
Of course not all people were fully open in that group. It even seems likely that people would not open up about suicidality in such a group due to the fact how stigmatized it is and due to the fact many people seem to love and enjoy their life in this group. However most of them were open enough to judge that their problems were not at all close to the severity of my issues. When I opened up about my struggles I only explained some less severe issues that I am facing mentally. I never considered to open up about suicidality. I was scared to mention psychoses and bipolar disorder because it was so obvious these people had way less severe problems. I described my day and my feelings and I think many were puzzled that I called it a somewhat good day. I think most people would have called it horrendous. However my life quality is simply dog shit. I hate my life. My life quality is nightmarish since almost a decade. I think objectively it is very low. And this is likely the best life quality in my whole remaining life. Without the support of my parents I will be forced to commit suicide. I am determined to go through with it in this case I don't let my destroyed nervous system torture me further several decades. I am suicidal since one decade. Nothing helps. Some of these people called the past weeks of their lives amazing. Bro I am so fucking happy when I can say I have 5 good hours. This is basically the best time of my year when I have 8 hours with no severe mental torment. (I still have suicidal thoughts.)
I know where the shit (my life) is heading. It will become so much worse. And I am not ready to accept that. The likelihood to recover in a decent way is extremely low in my case. I keep playing this game. However I am convinced I won't survive more rock bottoms. I am bipolar it is very very likely that I "will" (not if I kill myself) have to endure several more breakdowns in my life. My therapists also admitted that. It is very likely that there will come further major crises. Well I know I gonna kill myself then. So it is not hard to figure out my future. But this is something I did not admit openly because I was scared they could prevent it. I once talked with my current psychiatrist about it pretty openly. She was worried some weeks or months but forgot it eventually because I did not bring it up further. There is simply no benefit to repeat that fact. The atmosphere rather got hostile. She denied even talking about assited suicide categorically and I don't like to be belittled like that.
I know maybe it is offensive but these people seemed to have so vanilla problems. Comparatively easy to solve in contrast to my issues. (this is what I mean with vanilla). Okay it was the first time I met them maybe I am the ignorant person who judges too fast. Though I am obsessed about my suicide since a decade. I think people like me usually don't study. But it makes me wonder. I had contact with this bipolar girl and she also said in such college self-help groups there are usually not people like us. I ask myself why. I genuinely ask myself why there are not more total wrecks like me in such groups. These people seemed to feel mediocre but not like the hell that I am in or that many people on here have to experience.
I will dedicate a lot of space to this question later. And I am curious what your hypotheses are maybe you already have made similar or different experiences.
But first. I already was in in one bipolar self-help group. And there most people were doing way better than me. But compared to the college self-help group many experienced way severe crises in their lives. Also suicidality which most people only admited after digging deep enough. However I met one guy I wrote several times about him in this forum and many people were interested in him. I had one honest suicide talk with him in my bipolar self-help group. And we both admitted when we were alone that we are gonna kill ourselves. On the outside he is a such an happy father and on the outside it seems that barely anyone knows his secret. He seems to endure all that insane pain by himself without much help. I doubt he is transparent towards his wife. However the extent of honesty would interest me really. There was no hope in his eyes. But he endured his pain so far pretty stoic. He tried to kill himself a couple of times and came close to dying. Complete suicides are widedspread in his family. I still feel a connection to him. I never met someone in real life who admitted he is feeling as suicidal and nightmarish as me. I looked in his eyes and there was no hope. He tried a lot to get better but similar to me it just tortures him excessively.
I still have some naive hope compared to him but he is way older. I respect him for enduring all of this hell probably for the sake of his family. It must be horrible to know that your children will have to experience the suicide of their father one day. I assume he tries to be strong for his family. He procreated prior to knowing he was bipolar. In clinics I met people in similar pain to me. But for most people this seemed to be a temporary time period. Or they were not as suicidal as me. There was one very weird guy who was totally broken just like me. He was in major pain every single day just like me.
Though he was not suicidal which puzzled me to be honest. The bipolar suicidal dad was the person I could relate the most concerning suicide in real life in my whole life. But when the others were around we never talked explicitly about it. And he chuckled because my way to deal with it was so much different compared to his behavior. He was always so calm and barely talked at all. He just said he enjoys to listen to us. He had a sense for dark humor for sure. But I think many people are dependent on that while experiencing daily living hell. I have close to zero contact with him anymore though.
Mental wrecks like me or him seem to be seldom in self-help groups. There are many mental wrecks in this forum though. But here is the question why are them so much more seldom in self-help groups? Also related to the one I joined lately that I might quit soon because SaSu is so fucking much better for me. I can be honest and I relate to the people so much more. It is easier to write my thoughts down than to saying it aloud in front of people.
1. My self-helf group was a college group. There are not that many mental wrecks who are able to study. Not sure how strong that argument is. Please share your thoughts. In other countries college costs a lot of money and mental wreck tend to struggle financially. Maybe they are not able to finance it. I think also in my country the people who study tend to come from the upper middle class. (but not all)
2. I might underestimate the pain of some members of the self-help group. I am pretty good at judging people mental health wise. I had so fucking much group therapy. There were people who openly and honestly said their life is great currently and it was totally believable. The people who were quiet and calm. These were the potential wrecks in my eyes. However not everyone who is on the outside happy is genuinely happy and not all people who are calm are mental wrecks. Though it just did not make much sense to talk bullshit about your feelings in such a magnitude. Most of them expressed insecurities and sorrows but did not hint to any major pain. Most of them seemed not to be in extreme trouble. (in contrast to me)
3. Maybe mental wrecks dislike such self-help groups due to similar reasons than me. To talk openly about suicide is so stigmatized. I don't like talking too pejoratively about positivity but there certainly is toxic positivity. I am 100% certain if I keep going to that group I will have to endure very toxic advices of ignorant people. I had the feeling several members were puzzled why I seemingly struggle this much. They said about themselves they feel great since they are taking antidepressants. Well guys and girls they don't work for me. I tried insanely much differrent therapies and medication. My life quality is still horrendous. I have tried over 25 different medication. Most of the members seemed to be pretty carefree. There are so many people with somewhat mediocre lives who are privileged but who are not self-aware about it. Therapy and medication is not wokring for everyone. And SO SO many people don't acknowledge that. The people on SaSu do that. In other online places or in real life self-help groups saying something like that is a taboo. There is often vicitim blaming. The person simply does not want to get better or is not trying it hard enough and all of that ignorant and cynical bullshit. I have sometimes the feeling people might be too negative about therapy on here. However I also made horrible experiences. I know where the people are coming from. If you join such a group there will be so many remarks from privileged people who look down at you. And I am so fucking sick of it. Sanctioned Suicide is SO SO fucking much better in this instance. I am so thankful that I have this forum. After experiences like in that self-help group I feel even more comforted being able to share my thoughts on this platform where I don't have to censor my honest feelings and thoughts.
4. Many mental wrecks might be suicidal. And talking in real life about suicidality can end pretty badly. I have heard so much horrible takes. I can understand why people spare that to themselves. I think I would never admit severe persisting suicidality in such a college self-help group. I once did that in my bipolar self-help group and the people there hurt me a lot.
5. Mental wrecks might struggle with real life social interactions (just like me) and prefer online communication.
6. Maybe some mental wrecks don't search for help. Maybe they come to the conclusion therapy does not help them (enough). Maybe they instead envy other people with better life qualities (slightly similar to my case sadly) in such groups. However potentially it could also be true that some mental wrecks feel that nightmarish because they categorically deny the option therapy (like self-help groups) and medication. I don't say this would apply to many people. However for an honest argumentation this hypothesis also has to be considered.
7. Maybe mental wrecks come to the conclusion that only the contact with a professional in a single not group session is helping them. There are many variables which could explain that and it fits to other arguments that I layed out here. Though I have made already 3 psychotherapies and it is questionable whether my insurance pays for another one. I don't want to spend my savings on it for sure. I have to wait 2 years before being able to apply for another psychotherapy but I think I would desperately need it now. In a clinic a psychiatrist told me we already have done the maximum to increase your life quality. I think they are right. Though I still wanna die.
There are probably way more explanations but I need to rest. This vent helped me to deal me with my frustrating self-help experience. But I have the feeling the people on her know that pain. But I am also interested in opinions or experiences that fully contradict the message or conclusion of this thread.
Thanks for reading!
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