EDMisgood
A Visionary
- Mar 15, 2021
- 41
I remember how I felt about life 3 years ago when I first found this site because it's exactly how I feel now.
Life's ironic after all I have been through over the last a year or two, used to feel like complete shit 3 years ago, because my whole life amounted to nothing, and so I used that as my motivation and tried hard in school, took the hard classes, never looked back for a good amount of time, pursed the things I wanted to pursue.
Life moved on and I just kept trying, about 5 months ago, I realized that I did get the grades I wanted for my junior year despite the hard classes, applied to all of the good schools in my state, got a little fame from posting my stock trading results on the internet because I had a huge win streak for a month long and made a bunch of money. Out of all the things I chased for, I never stopped body building, looking back now, I have exactly what I was dreaming for before I started. I was truly, really happy for a month or two, 5 months ago. Never felt that way my whole life; had really good friends (still have them now but it's just different now because of me), my academic future was promising because I had just applied to some of the best universities in the world that happen to be in my state, I honestly was in good position to apply because I actually tried my best for a long time. On top of that, my win streak in stock trading continued, I couldn't have been happier and more excited about life.
Until I have reached the punch line of my story, even with my dream physique, it's honestly just another way to cope with my self-hatred and my urge to physically harm myself, which I still did and do even during training; a lot of times, which makes me hate the entire process because nothing's solved mentally. Haven't heard back from the schools I applied for, while 95% of my classmates have already been accepted, I researched about school offers, realized I'll be rejected soon. In addition, I completely screwed over my stock trading account because I was distracted by how enjoyable life was and was blinded by my temporary achievements. Those things led to my sloppiness and eventually my gradual downfall in my trading account, powered by my unconscious self-hatred. Life's back to what it was. All the good things went to sh1t basically.
To conclude my BS journey and to add on, I did have CTB thoughts throughout those years of rebuilding my life, looked back sometimes( got depressed in simple terms), and got right back to it with a reason. But now, I cannot find any reason to keep at this anymore like I did before because I just can't seem to find any proof to support it once more, with all honesty. I have never had a genuinely healthy relationship with my family entirely, never felt Agape (unconditional love) and probably never will feel it in the future because I would hate it (Without intrinsic value I was able to dedicate myself completely to my academics, wealth, skills and body, I had it all to win and to lose and most of all I didn't give a sh1t). Now, I plan on ending all of this pain.
It's IRONIC AF and FKing Funny too, I struggled with having a will and positive attitude about life which stopped me from pursuing any type goal or dedication at first (3 years ago), now I'm struggling to get even just any small bit of reason or proof from my dedications to live and continue this life( I don't want to figure out the fundamental attribution error behind this betrayal from my dedications).
It was "It never gets better" now it's "it did get better, but just for a bit before the worse". I hate philosophy(It used to be my fav thing), family, people with a loving family, the system, the rule that "the cause you believe in will eventually betray you somehow". To top it off, I hate how my whole life is either live like you don't exist or live and try in life but you still don't get anything. Wonderful.
Life's ironic after all I have been through over the last a year or two, used to feel like complete shit 3 years ago, because my whole life amounted to nothing, and so I used that as my motivation and tried hard in school, took the hard classes, never looked back for a good amount of time, pursed the things I wanted to pursue.
Life moved on and I just kept trying, about 5 months ago, I realized that I did get the grades I wanted for my junior year despite the hard classes, applied to all of the good schools in my state, got a little fame from posting my stock trading results on the internet because I had a huge win streak for a month long and made a bunch of money. Out of all the things I chased for, I never stopped body building, looking back now, I have exactly what I was dreaming for before I started. I was truly, really happy for a month or two, 5 months ago. Never felt that way my whole life; had really good friends (still have them now but it's just different now because of me), my academic future was promising because I had just applied to some of the best universities in the world that happen to be in my state, I honestly was in good position to apply because I actually tried my best for a long time. On top of that, my win streak in stock trading continued, I couldn't have been happier and more excited about life.
Until I have reached the punch line of my story, even with my dream physique, it's honestly just another way to cope with my self-hatred and my urge to physically harm myself, which I still did and do even during training; a lot of times, which makes me hate the entire process because nothing's solved mentally. Haven't heard back from the schools I applied for, while 95% of my classmates have already been accepted, I researched about school offers, realized I'll be rejected soon. In addition, I completely screwed over my stock trading account because I was distracted by how enjoyable life was and was blinded by my temporary achievements. Those things led to my sloppiness and eventually my gradual downfall in my trading account, powered by my unconscious self-hatred. Life's back to what it was. All the good things went to sh1t basically.
To conclude my BS journey and to add on, I did have CTB thoughts throughout those years of rebuilding my life, looked back sometimes( got depressed in simple terms), and got right back to it with a reason. But now, I cannot find any reason to keep at this anymore like I did before because I just can't seem to find any proof to support it once more, with all honesty. I have never had a genuinely healthy relationship with my family entirely, never felt Agape (unconditional love) and probably never will feel it in the future because I would hate it (Without intrinsic value I was able to dedicate myself completely to my academics, wealth, skills and body, I had it all to win and to lose and most of all I didn't give a sh1t). Now, I plan on ending all of this pain.
It's IRONIC AF and FKing Funny too, I struggled with having a will and positive attitude about life which stopped me from pursuing any type goal or dedication at first (3 years ago), now I'm struggling to get even just any small bit of reason or proof from my dedications to live and continue this life( I don't want to figure out the fundamental attribution error behind this betrayal from my dedications).
It was "It never gets better" now it's "it did get better, but just for a bit before the worse". I hate philosophy(It used to be my fav thing), family, people with a loving family, the system, the rule that "the cause you believe in will eventually betray you somehow". To top it off, I hate how my whole life is either live like you don't exist or live and try in life but you still don't get anything. Wonderful.