heirofvoid
Member
- Dec 20, 2021
- 71
I think my last post here was about my anxieties about finally getting a job. It's been two months since then it just feels like a different type of hell.
I work as a call center agent and it's just so draining. "Oh why don't you just look for another job?" I only finished one year of college. "There surely are jobs out there who accept that educational attainment" no there is NOT. If I pick another low minimum wage job I will be an embarrassment to my family. This is the lowest that they could accept.
Yes, my pay is good for someone's first job. My family told me it's actually more than their first salaries. The thing is, I don't really have anything to do with it. Yes I buy groceries, yes I help with paying whatever my family needs, yes I buy things I like but they never just fill up this void inside me.
I only got a job to pretend I'm a normal functioning adult. I'm working just so my family wouldn't find out that I dropped out of college! THAT'S IT! AND IT'S FUCKING DRAINING ME. I GO TO THIS SHITTY FUCKING JOB 12 HOURS A DAY AND IT'S ALL I EVER DO IN EVERY MOMENT THAT I AM AWAKE!
The worst part is? I can't quit! If I quit my family will ask why and they'll tell me to just pick a job related to my course BUT YEA I NEVER FINISHED IT! I've only been here for 2 months and it'll look bad for me as well.
It's honestly such a shitty place and I hate having to solve the problems of PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY. How the fuck should I know what is happening out there? I don't live there?! But no that's my fucking job! And we should not make mistakes because it'll be a deduction to our salaries! Did I mention that the product training was just 2 weeks? And they just accept ANYONE for a job that handles money?
I honestly want to say more about how shitty this company I'm working for but I'm just scared of sharing too much info. ANYWAY, I'M FUCKING TIRED! We had to change schedules for July so we only have one day off for this week and it's honestly going to kill me. I haven't even slept for more than 24 hours now.
This is so messy. I haven't been able to vent out anything for the past months because I got so numb and exhausted. I only finally got to bawl my eyes out earlier as I realized that in 15 hours, I'll be back in that soul draining hell hole. I want to die. I'd rather die than going to work.
I still have money so I'm just planning to look around in the hardware store to find anything that can chop my head off. Not sure about the details yet since that is definitely hard to do. "Oh why don't you just do the other methods?" I can't guarantee the success for those. I'll probably chicken out. "What makes you think that you won't chicken out of this one as well?" I'll research about basically making my own Saw trap. If I'm restrained while my head gets chopped off then there's no chickening out right? Yes, there's a lot to research but I'll just go with that. Yes it's gruesome but I think it guarantees death. "Oh but what if it doesn't get completely chopped off" I could still die from blood loss right? YES I KNOW IT'S CRAZY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? If i hang myself, I'd risk becoming a vegetable. Same goes for A LOT of methods and no I just can't buy fancy poison here.
I just don't want to wake up anymore. There is nothing waiting for me out there. I'm just pretending to be a normal adult but I am not! In fact, I'm bad at hiding it!
I work as a call center agent and it's just so draining. "Oh why don't you just look for another job?" I only finished one year of college. "There surely are jobs out there who accept that educational attainment" no there is NOT. If I pick another low minimum wage job I will be an embarrassment to my family. This is the lowest that they could accept.
Yes, my pay is good for someone's first job. My family told me it's actually more than their first salaries. The thing is, I don't really have anything to do with it. Yes I buy groceries, yes I help with paying whatever my family needs, yes I buy things I like but they never just fill up this void inside me.
I only got a job to pretend I'm a normal functioning adult. I'm working just so my family wouldn't find out that I dropped out of college! THAT'S IT! AND IT'S FUCKING DRAINING ME. I GO TO THIS SHITTY FUCKING JOB 12 HOURS A DAY AND IT'S ALL I EVER DO IN EVERY MOMENT THAT I AM AWAKE!
The worst part is? I can't quit! If I quit my family will ask why and they'll tell me to just pick a job related to my course BUT YEA I NEVER FINISHED IT! I've only been here for 2 months and it'll look bad for me as well.
It's honestly such a shitty place and I hate having to solve the problems of PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY COUNTRY. How the fuck should I know what is happening out there? I don't live there?! But no that's my fucking job! And we should not make mistakes because it'll be a deduction to our salaries! Did I mention that the product training was just 2 weeks? And they just accept ANYONE for a job that handles money?
I honestly want to say more about how shitty this company I'm working for but I'm just scared of sharing too much info. ANYWAY, I'M FUCKING TIRED! We had to change schedules for July so we only have one day off for this week and it's honestly going to kill me. I haven't even slept for more than 24 hours now.
This is so messy. I haven't been able to vent out anything for the past months because I got so numb and exhausted. I only finally got to bawl my eyes out earlier as I realized that in 15 hours, I'll be back in that soul draining hell hole. I want to die. I'd rather die than going to work.
I still have money so I'm just planning to look around in the hardware store to find anything that can chop my head off. Not sure about the details yet since that is definitely hard to do. "Oh why don't you just do the other methods?" I can't guarantee the success for those. I'll probably chicken out. "What makes you think that you won't chicken out of this one as well?" I'll research about basically making my own Saw trap. If I'm restrained while my head gets chopped off then there's no chickening out right? Yes, there's a lot to research but I'll just go with that. Yes it's gruesome but I think it guarantees death. "Oh but what if it doesn't get completely chopped off" I could still die from blood loss right? YES I KNOW IT'S CRAZY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? If i hang myself, I'd risk becoming a vegetable. Same goes for A LOT of methods and no I just can't buy fancy poison here.
I just don't want to wake up anymore. There is nothing waiting for me out there. I'm just pretending to be a normal adult but I am not! In fact, I'm bad at hiding it!