Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
I'm really fond of the comedian Jack Handey so I thought I should share some of his weird jokes. They are certainly not for everyone, but maybe they'll make someone's day a little bit brighter. :)
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words – "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain – unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words – "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain – unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
