I've survived!

[WornOutLife]

I can't believe this. I've worked for 10 hours today and yesterday I wanted to ctb and give up on life. Somehow, I managed to survive for one more day.
This is the good part about having bipolar disorder; one day you're in hell but maybe the following one, you just get the strength to do whatever you have to do.

I'm so happy that I'll even go for a walk and perhaps run a bit. This is a miracle.

Hope you've had a nice day and if you didn't, I hope it gets better.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[whywere]

Hi Matt!! Fantastic!! I am so happy for you!! I hope you have a great walk/run and a restful sleep tonight. You helped make my day when I get to read wonderful news about a global family member!!! Walter

 

[Beachedwhale]

I'm glad for you Matt. Any accomplishment and joy is to be cherished amidst the darkness. Carry on!

 

[justanotherstar]

So happy you've had a good day Matt :-) this raised a smile where previously there was only sadness :-)

 

[ExhaustedExistence]

Congrats! That's really long time for work. Maybe the work can help you to get better and feel useful.

 

[yeahwellso]

I don't know if what I have is bipolar, because the psychiatric assessment takes for-goddamn-cunting-ever, but disordered mood is certainly a feature of whatever is fundamentally wrong with me. For me, that instability just means that I am incapable of crafting a life for myself that I consider worth living.

Without dramatic change to my material circumstances within a few years, which it seems extremely unlikely that I can effect, I am most certainly going to end my life. An "ok" life when considering my mental illness simply is not good enough to be worth living. I have a strong preference for death and nothingness over the paltry shit I am able to make for myself.

Have made a note to inform my psychologist and psychiatrist that I have every intention of killing myself within one or two years, and that I am only interested in drugs with some kick to them.

I could not possibly give a shit about working for 1 or 10 hours, because I long ago fucked up any chance at a career that affords an acceptable standard of living and autonomy. Life is not worth living without this, and I refuse to do so. I could not possibly give a shit about feeling "useful". Work is a means to the end of money, and when it is unlikely that you can obtain work that pays enough to make it worth it, it is better to not play the game at all.

What's on offer in life simply isn't good enough to make it worth my while, and there's no reason to think that I am capable of changing that. If I were, I fucking would have.

 

[Cupcake]

I don't know if what I have is bipolar, because the psychiatric assessment takes for-goddamn-cunting-ever, but disordered mood is certainly a feature of whatever is fundamentally wrong with me. For me, that instability just means that I am incapable of crafting a life for myself that I consider worth living.

Without dramatic change to my material circumstances within a few years, which it seems extremely unlikely that I can effect, I am most certainly going to end my life. An "ok" life when considering my mental illness simply is not good enough to be worth living. I have a strong preference for death and nothingness over the paltry shit I am able to make for myself.

Have made a note to inform my psychologist and psychiatrist that I have every intention of killing myself within one or two years, and that I am only interested in drugs with some kick to them.

I could not possibly give a shit about working for 1 or 10 hours, because I long ago fucked up any chance at a career that affords an acceptable standard of living and autonomy. Life is not worth living without this, and I refuse to do so. I could not possibly give a shit about feeling "useful". Work is a means to the end of money, and when it is unlikely that you can obtain work that pays enough to make it worth it, it is better to not play the game at all.

What's on offer in life simply isn't good enough to make it worth my while, and there's no reason to think that I am capable of changing that. If I were, I fucking would have.

I am so proud of you for carrying on the way you do! You inspire me every day!

I love you Nose! Please don't leave any time soon or your nose wouldn't have anything to do and it would be sad because there would be no one to blow it every so often.

For those wondering, it's a little joke Matt and I have in private messages.

Anyway, keep on keepin' on mate, and know that you are always in my thoughts. I know I haven't written to you in a few days, I just haven't been very chatty, but you've crossed my mind quite a few times, and each time you crossed my mind, I internally cheered you on and will continue to do so.

NOSE!

 

[Beachedwhale]

I don't know if what I have is bipolar, because the psychiatric assessment takes for-goddamn-cunting-ever, but disordered mood is certainly a feature of whatever is fundamentally wrong with me. For me, that instability just means that I am incapable of crafting a life for myself that I consider worth living.

Without dramatic change to my material circumstances within a few years, which it seems extremely unlikely that I can effect, I am most certainly going to end my life. An "ok" life when considering my mental illness simply is not good enough to be worth living. I have a strong preference for death and nothingness over the paltry shit I am able to make for myself.

Have made a note to inform my psychologist and psychiatrist that I have every intention of killing myself within one or two years, and that I am only interested in drugs with some kick to them.

I could not possibly give a shit about working for 1 or 10 hours, because I long ago fucked up any chance at a career that affords an acceptable standard of living and autonomy. Life is not worth living without this, and I refuse to do so. I could not possibly give a shit about feeling "useful". Work is a means to the end of money, and when it is unlikely that you can obtain work that pays enough to make it worth it, it is better to not play the game at all.

What's on offer in life simply isn't good enough to make it worth my while, and there's no reason to think that I am capable of changing that. If I were, I fucking would have.

You just described me. I utterly fucked up what couldve been something very very beautiful. Consumed by fear, delusion, low self esteem, social anxiety and addiction, I missed the chance to give myself the happiness I wanted and was right in front of me but for some fucking reason I couldn't even grasp that. Something that most people would kill to have. Every second of everyday I am haunted by images of what I couldve been and done, amazing things. Anyway, that time is over now, my career is fucked, my mental.and physical condition makes it even more difficult to get started, and like you I'm just done with all this.

 

[yeahwellso]

I am so proud of you for carrying on the way you do! You inspire me every day!

I love you Nose! Please don't leave any time soon or your nose wouldn't have anything to do and it would be sad because there would be no one to blow it every so often.

For those wondering, it's a little joke Matt and I have in private messages.

Anyway, keep on keepin' on mate, and know that you are always in my thoughts. I know I haven't written to you in a few days, I just haven't been very chatty, but you've crossed my mind quite a few times, and each time you crossed my mind, I internally cheered you on and will continue to do so.

NOSE!

Just letting you know that you accidentally replied to the wrong comment.

 

[Amumu]

You've got guts for sure, keep going

 

[Apathy's Girl]

So happy you had a good and productive good day today. As a fellow bipolar sufferer I understand each day like that is one to be cherished.

 

[Trisolaris]

Good for you for having a productive day.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

 

[Lucien]

Have made a note to inform my psychologist and psychiatrist that I have every intention of killing myself within one or two years, and that I am only interested in drugs with some kick to them.

If you ever get the chance and don't consider this prying, do share what they'll prescribe and whether you needed the diagnostic result for it.

 

[placeholder]

It is nice to hear that you are great now. Have a good time.

 

[Defenestration]

Congratulations matt

 

[ansiedad]

Nice!