Venting I’ve spent my life putting others first, and I never realised how much harm I was doing

[anywhere_else]

I've always put others first. Always. Little things or big things I never think "what do I want." I was raised this way, to be selfless, but I never realised it has made me love myself, less. Selflessness has become a form of emotional self-harm to the point that I feel unworthy of anything that makes me feel good. Every sense of happiness feels borrowed as though I have to give it back with interest. It feels uncomfortable. Like a hot piece of coal I toss from hand to hand and all I'm left with are the burns.

But I accept pain readily. Every negative emotion etched into my skin like a child carving his name into a tree that will outlive him. I wish I'd done more for me. I wish I could take ownership of those fleeting moments of happiness. But it's just so hard when all I've known is sacrifice. It's why I've not pulled the trigger in times when I really ought to because of the pain I'll cause others. But I have to take ownership of something and if I have no control over life then at least I want it over death. It feels so ironic that when I finally put an end to my suffering, for once in my life doing the one thing for me, that my lasting legacy will be echoes in corridors of grieving friends and family whispering, "I can't believe he was so selfish."

 

[noonipie]

i'm sorry but firstly can you please get into poetry because whether it was intentional or not that was the most beautifully written thing i've ever read secondly, this is honestly such a conundrum in my opinion. but i think that maybe in small ways at first you can start putting yourself first or prioritizing your wants/needs. and then maybe eventually it will become easier and more natural to put yourself first. and hopefully others will start to recognize this change too and be less demanding of you. (p.s. if you've written poetry PLEASE let me see it) :3 i hope things will get better for you

 

[starlover]

I know that feeling. I really do.

It's a crushing burden.

 

[anywhere_else]

i'm sorry but firstly can you please get into poetry because whether it was intentional or not that was the most beautifully written thing i've ever read secondly, this is honestly such a conundrum in my opinion. but i think that maybe in small ways at first you can start putting yourself first or prioritizing your wants/needs. and then maybe eventually it will become easier and more natural to put yourself first. and hopefully others will start to recognize this change too and be less demanding of you. (p.s. if you've written poetry PLEASE let me see it) :3 i hope things will get better for you

Thank you, alas no I've not. I've always wanted to but crippling doubt tends to put an end to that kind of thing

And I know, you're right. It's really difficult and I am starting to believe that if I had I wouldn't be where I am. How I feel is all my fault, not to be melodramatic or anything.

 

[tiny_dancer]

Beautifully written. And I also really relate to what you said, about always putting others first, and feeling unworthy of feeling good. I was also raised this way and lived my whole life trying to be perfect, not feeling like I deserved enjoyment, or allowed to just "be". Because of this, I made a lot of decisions that harmed me. It's heartbreaking that I realized this too late.

I'm sorry you will have the sad irony of being viewed as selfish, when it seems like that's the furthest from the truth.

 

[TydalWave]

This resonated with me on so many levels... Thanks for expressing this in the way that I couldn't.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Thank you, alas no I've not. I've always wanted to but crippling doubt tends to put an end to that kind of thing

It always makes me a little sad to read things like this, especially in a place like the one every member and most lurkers of this forum have found themselves in. I really dislike how much talent the world will never see or enjoy because so many creative minds are stifled for whatever reason, or how many of us just flat out convince ourselves that it won't work for us.

I don't want to say you should become a poet, because it seems like your mind may be made up and it might be a little too late for that, haha. Doesn't really matter though, because I would say that you already are a poet. Your words here are beautifully haunting even if you weren't trying. Really, thank you for sharing with us. If writing is something you like to do, I hope that you can do it until the very end. Even if nobody else sees it but you. I also hope people will remember you accurately— you were never selfish, you're a person that gave and gave until he couldn't give anymore. We all have to put ourselves first in some way, at some point. I hope they can come to understand how you're choosing to do that for yourself.

Good luck on your journey.

 

[fields.of.lace]

Hi anywhere_else, I've always been a lurker on forums but your post gave me some courage.
I am your post - with the only exception being that I do feel worthy of joy, but still have always felt that putting others first was more important.
Even if those around you never see, I (we/other readers of this post) do. I wish you the best, just one person you need noticing you for who you are. But if that doesn't happen, we'll still know. You're worthy of love, you're not the selfish one. Just because everyone says something doesn't make it true. Most people aren't that smart, and almost everyone is too busy "playing the game" to really know anything about themselves, let alone anyone else, even someone else they claim to care about. I'm deeply sorry if those around you never see you for the generous, caring person you are.
Fair warning, newbie struggling with ancient computer and the quote function might show up incorrectly.

i'm sorry but firstly can you please get into poetry because whether it was intentional or not that was the most beautifully written thing i've ever read secondly, this is honestly such a conundrum in my opinion. but i think that maybe in small ways at first you can start putting yourself first or prioritizing your wants/needs. and then maybe eventually it will become easier and more natural to put yourself first. and hopefully others will start to recognize this change too and be less demanding of you. (p.s. if you've written poetry PLEASE let me see it) :3 i hope things will get better for you

I also wanted to mention that this idea sounds right, it makes sense. But I even tried that, because people around me have claimed to care about me, and I don't believe they are lying, and I didn't want to believe they are that unaware of how selfish they are. So I tried that, mentioning little hurtful things they had done, saying when I felt sad about myself or needed help, asking to do things I maybe wanted to do. The *nicest* thing I ever heard was fuck no, even when those around me asking for my help they still couldn't see me as a person. More often I was punished in some way. So sometimes even logical small steps make it worse.

I'm sorry to crap on this noonipie, just like I said this is my first thread and I'm letting it out. Kind suggestions are always appreciated

 

[Meretricious]

I've always put others first. Always. Little things or big things I never think "what do I want." I was raised this way, to be selfless, but I never realised it has made me love myself, less. Selflessness has become a form of emotional self-harm to the point that I feel unworthy of anything that makes me feel good. Every sense of happiness feels borrowed as though I have to give it back with interest. It feels uncomfortable. Like a hot piece of coal I toss from hand to hand and all I'm left with are the burns.

But I accept pain readily. Every negative emotion etched into my skin like a child carving his name into a tree that will outlive him. I wish I'd done more for me. I wish I could take ownership of those fleeting moments of happiness. But it's just so hard when all I've known is sacrifice. It's why I've not pulled the trigger in times when I really ought to because of the pain I'll cause others. But I have to take ownership of something and if I have no control over life then at least I want it over death.

This resonated with me, and on such a massive scale. I always compromise. I always sacrifice. And I never get what I want or need. I'm always taken advantage of for putting others first, and because I consider how my actions, words, thoughts, and reactions will impact others. No matter what I do for others, it's never fucking good enough. When I need a helping hand? Nobody knows you when you're down and out... even if you helped them get where they are.

There is such a delicate balance between genuine concern and care for others, and blatant narcissism.

It feels so ironic that when I finally put an end to my suffering, for once in my life doing the one thing for me, that my lasting legacy will be echoes in corridors of grieving friends and family whispering, "I can't believe he was so selfish."

Legitimately got fierce chills when I read this. No one appreciates me or anything I do... until I'm already gone...

 

[anywhere_else]

It's difficult to gauge how these "vents" might be perceived. I can't speak for everyone but in some ways it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this. But at the same time, knowing how painful it is, to know that this resonates with others hurts because that means you feel that pain too.

 

[TeflonMummy]

This resonates with me a lot as its something I did a lot in my last relationship. I kept feeling like every time we fought it was a failure of mine for not meeting their needs. It becomes less about sharing your life with someone and is more tailoring your life to suit their needs. It's a very rough path to have to walk down. I hope you find peace in whatever form your seeking. Good luck <3

 

[Already Gone now]

I've always put others first. Always. Little things or big things I never think "what do I want." I was raised this way, to be selfless, but I never realised it has made me love myself, less. Selflessness has become a form of emotional self-harm to the point that I feel unworthy of anything that makes me feel good. Every sense of happiness feels borrowed as though I have to give it back with interest. It feels uncomfortable. Like a hot piece of coal I toss from hand to hand and all I'm left with are the burns.

But I accept pain readily. Every negative emotion etched into my skin like a child carving his name into a tree that will outlive him. I wish I'd done more for me. I wish I could take ownership of those fleeting moments of happiness. But it's just so hard when all I've known is sacrifice. It's why I've not pulled the trigger in times when I really ought to because of the pain I'll cause others. But I have to take ownership of something and if I have no control over life then at least I want it over death. It feels so ironic that when I finally put an end to my suffering, for once in my life doing the one thing for me, that my lasting legacy will be echoes in corridors of grieving friends and family whispering, "I can't believe he was so selfish."

I've lived a life for others and I'm 43yrs old...I wish that I was able to articulate my feelings such as you have. Maybe I wouldn't have faced all the things in life alone like I have. Thank you for taking the time to put your feelings out there, I needed to hear that I wasn't the only one to go through the terrible that I've experienced. I don't use your suffering to help me feel better, I appreciate the effort you used to express all of this to us

It's difficult to gauge how these "vents" might be perceived. I can't speak for everyone but in some ways it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this. But at the same time, knowing how painful it is, to know that this resonates with others hurts because that means you feel that pain too.

I feel you friend...thank you for being so open with your experiences.

 

[brokeandbroken]

For me it's different but the same. I spent my life helping others whenever asked, going out of my way to help, studying to become an oncologist to take people's cancer away, and then when it was my time to need help in my darkest day in my darkest hour no one was there.

I've now realized people take advantage of it and don't give a fuck about it. Whether it's family friends whatever. People are way more self obsessed then you think. Basically it's not worth it. Live for you and only you. Because ultimately you are all you got. People won't be there for you.

 

[Andro_USYD]

This was interesting to hear, as Alex Rosenberg puts it, "there's always Prozac" Ur whole existence may feel more positive with an increase in Ur seretonin levels from antidepressants however Ur points remain perfectly valid: existing can be a fking nightmare. I like to watch the highest rated chess games on lichess and there's a guy whose there occasionally (BC he's very high rated) fighterman. This personally gave me a feeling. There's also kratom which really personally helps me. You'll be surprised at how much these substances can really change things to feel at peace with the world.

 

[LastFlowers]

For me it's different but the same. I spent my life helping others whenever asked, going out of my way to help, studying to become an oncologist to take people's cancer away, and then when it was my time to need help in my darkest day in my darkest hour no one was there.

I've now realized people take advantage of it and don't give a fuck about it. Whether it's family friends whatever. People are way more self obsessed then you think. Basically it's not worth it. Live for you and only you. Because ultimately you are all you got. People won't be there for you.

Most of us learn this too late..by then we have sacrificed everything that mattered or ever would have mattered.
Usually what snaps us out of the habit is the final blow and the final loss.