Story I've returned!

[LongTimeComing]

Hello everyone, I doubt anyone remembers me and the members that joined after I left definitely don't. Last May I made my attempt, failed obviously, and took a trip to the ward. I'm a sweet little lady, just turned 21 last year, and I'm not looking for advice or anything, just posting about my leave and return. After I left (and not because I left) life was pretty great for awhile! I was diagnosed with BPD and but on Wellbutrin, found a wonderful new job, made some great friends, went through a hoe phase, and got my creativity back! I was pretty normal, never stopped being suicidal because I'm one of those people that would always rather be dead, but I wasn't planning any more attempts. While things were going great, I decided to stop taking my meds; I did so gradually to avoid withdrawal. They did the job of not letting me be sad, but I also couldn't be happy and was constantly disassociating; my emotions and mind felt foggy 24/7. It was fine for a few months, then around January of this year my job started to suck and it made me not like my wonderful coworkers. (It still makes me miserable, but I'm still with the company). I've begun to feel emotions again over the past few months and it's definitely hard; constantly battling mood swings, especially anger. Forward to this last month: my job shutdown on March 15th or so, luckily I'm still getting paid, and I was excited to not have to go into a job I hated AND get paid for it. However, I am an extrovert and the shutdown is making everything unbearable. I use people and places and parties as a distraction from my mind (hedonism has been most successful in my survival). I'm getting back into my old habits of getting FPs (favorite person: it's an obsessive BPD trait) and I'm feeling so alone and angry and just obsessing over people that don't have as much free time as I do now. I'm not actively suicidal and plan to keep living for a few more years, I just need human connection and a sense of community again. I've browsed through some of the threads and see a lot of new members and wish to find more friends in these forums. I've definitely missed this

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Welcome back (if that's appropriate). Sorry it's not worked out exactly as planned but I'm glad you are still trying.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Hey! No idea who you are, but welcome back! I liked reading your story

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Well your username is fitting. Sorry you're still in the same boat, but welcome back!

 

[Kumachan]

whats a hoe phase? English is not my first language... Is it a code for something?

 

[Brink]

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome back even though life's brought you here!

 

[departing]

I'm sorry that circumstances have brought you back here. If it's okay, I'll welcome you back.

 

[itsamadworld]

Hello. Sorry to hear of your troubles. I've been on this site for about a month. I also have BPD, and it is hell. I'm 39, have not seen BPD get better with age. I had multiple suicide attempts throughout the years; bag method, od',ing on pills and alcohol, almost shot myself with my revolver. I also had a good job in the military, which turned out to be good for me, because I've been silently suicidal since I was 6 years old...And I love the idea of getting blown up in a convoy, and all my suffering would have been over :(. I regret getting married, now divorced, because I left the military. Unless my ex would kill me, marriage is not for me. I just wanna die, but longevity runs in my genes, so I do things like drink and smoke pot to hopefully shorten my lifespan.....I have a FP as well, but it still gets lonely, because they can't always be around.

 

[LongTimeComing]

whats a hoe phase? English is not my first language... Is it a code for something?

Haha it's just a phase where I was sleeping with a lot of people and not caring about much

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome back even though life's brought you here!

How sweet, thank you so much!

Hello. Sorry to hear of your troubles. I've been on this site for about a month. I also have BPD, and it is hell. I'm 39, have not seen BPD get better with age. I had multiple suicide attempts throughout the years; bag method, od',ing on pills and alcohol, almost shot myself with my revolver. I also had a good job in the military, which turned out to be good for me, because I've been silently suicidal since I was 6 years old...And I love the idea of getting blown up in a convoy, and all my suffering would have been over :(. I regret getting married, now divorced, because I left the military. Unless my ex would kill me, marriage is not for me. I just wanna die, but longevity runs in my genes, so I do things like drink and smoke pot to hopefully shorten my lifespan.....I have a FP as well, but it still gets lonely, because they can't always be around.

I definitely understand the doing things to shorten your lifespan thing. I live rather recklessly and have a few nasty habits of my own. It's a really difficult disorder to deal with; I thought I had eradicated most of its hardships and have been in recovery, but the isolation is bringing me back to ground zero. I'm sorry you've had to deal with these hardships, but am glad you've found a place to express them <3

 

[Luchs]

Hello everyone, I doubt anyone remembers me and the members that joined after I left definitely don't. Last May I made my attempt, failed obviously, and took a trip to the ward. I'm a sweet little lady, just turned 21 last year, and I'm not looking for advice or anything, just posting about my leave and return. After I left (and not because I left) life was pretty great for awhile! I was diagnosed with BPD and but on Wellbutrin, found a wonderful new job, made some great friends, went through a hoe phase, and got my creativity back! I was pretty normal, never stopped being suicidal because I'm one of those people that would always rather be dead, but I wasn't planning any more attempts. While things were going great, I decided to stop taking my meds; I did so gradually to avoid withdrawal. They did the job of not letting me be sad, but I also couldn't be happy and was constantly disassociating; my emotions and mind felt foggy 24/7. It was fine for a few months, then around January of this year my job started to suck and it made me not like my wonderful coworkers. (It still makes me miserable, but I'm still with the company). I've begun to feel emotions again over the past few months and it's definitely hard; constantly battling mood swings, especially anger. Forward to this last month: my job shutdown on March 15th or so, luckily I'm still getting paid, and I was excited to not have to go into a job I hated AND get paid for it. However, I am an extrovert and the shutdown is making everything unbearable. I use people and places and parties as a distraction from my mind (hedonism has been most successful in my survival). I'm getting back into my old habits of getting FPs (favorite person: it's an obsessive BPD trait) and I'm feeling so alone and angry and just obsessing over people that don't have as much free time as I do now. I'm not actively suicidal and plan to keep living for a few more years, I just need human connection and a sense of community again. I've browsed through some of the threads and see a lot of new members and wish to find more friends in these forums. I've definitely missed this

I really would need some of that medicine you got perscribed, my emotions are fucking mental for a few years now. Is it perscription-only?

 

[LongTimeComing]

I really would need some of that medicine you got perscribed, my emotions are fucking mental for a few years now. Is it perscription-only?

Yes, I was put on it in my stay in the behavioral center

 

[Kumachan]

aaa right, i guess i had my hoe phase as well:) cheated on my sweet wife too much over the years... Got caught almost every time... Now she is gone and i miss her like crazy... Thats why im here...

 

[Ashleyrodriguez]

Hello everyone, I doubt anyone remembers me and the members that joined after I left definitely don't. Last May I made my attempt, failed obviously, and took a trip to the ward. I'm a sweet little lady, just turned 21 last year, and I'm not looking for advice or anything, just posting about my leave and return. After I left (and not because I left) life was pretty great for awhile! I was diagnosed with BPD and but on Wellbutrin, found a wonderful new job, made some great friends, went through a hoe phase, and got my creativity back! I was pretty normal, never stopped being suicidal because I'm one of those people that would always rather be dead, but I wasn't planning any more attempts. While things were going great, I decided to stop taking my meds; I did so gradually to avoid withdrawal. They did the job of not letting me be sad, but I also couldn't be happy and was constantly disassociating; my emotions and mind felt foggy 24/7. It was fine for a few months, then around January of this year my job started to suck and it made me not like my wonderful coworkers. (It still makes me miserable, but I'm still with the company). I've begun to feel emotions again over the past few months and it's definitely hard; constantly battling mood swings, especially anger. Forward to this last month: my job shutdown on March 15th or so, luckily I'm still getting paid, and I was excited to not have to go into a job I hated AND get paid for it. However, I am an extrovert and the shutdown is making everything unbearable. I use people and places and parties as a distraction from my mind (hedonism has been most successful in my survival). I'm getting back into my old habits of getting FPs (favorite person: it's an obsessive BPD trait) and I'm feeling so alone and angry and just obsessing over people that don't have as much free time as I do now. I'm not actively suicidal and plan to keep living for a few more years, I just need human connection and a sense of community again. I've browsed through some of the threads and see a lot of new members and wish to find more friends in these forums. I've definitely missed this

Welcome back but what is the reason you stopped taking your meds? If they were helping you I believe you should be taking them. What's the reason you are suicidal?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Welcome back but what is the reason you stopped taking your meds?

From the OP:

They did the job of not letting me be sad, but I also couldn't be happy and was constantly disassociating; my emotions and mind felt foggy 24/7.