BornofDust
Student
- Dec 11, 2020
- 132
I,'ve returned, yeah I know that makes me a failure. Sorry for making you guys waste your goodbyes.So yeah my attempt failed. So I guess that makes me a foolish person. Anyways I attempted to kill myself through hanging several times since Sunday( which was suppose to be my last day)
So here is how the 4 days went.
First day.
On Sunday(on my birthday) my parents who were nicer than usual decided to come home and give me my birthday cake and take me outside for a walk at International Drive( a tourist complex on my state). Before leaving , I practiced my partial hanging through my hand, once I felt that pull, I knew, or at least thought, I got it down.Throughout the whole day, I couldn't help but get teary eyed and begin to reminiscent about my past, good and bad. So after I came back home I wrote my letter( haft finished tbh) went up the stairs after my parents fell asleep, went to the big room upstairs to grab the chair. Took my old bed sheet, put it up the door and closed it. I wrapped it around my next, I kept messing with it for some reason even though the first knot was just right and gripped really good( looking back that was most likely my SL trying to give me an out to survive) so then after a few messing around the knot, I tightened it up my neck and I jumped off the chair, I quickly fell off the knot. Which made me realize I was gonna have to use another method of hanging since it doesn't seem to hold my weight properly. So I jumped a second time kneeling. Then I continue to kneel as the grip tightens. Then my arms started to fail around randomly without my control, that scared me so much that I quickly let go, fall down the ground, stared at the wall for about 30 minutes in shock, then I fell asleep.
Second Day.
So I woke up , forced myself to eat breakfast and proceeded to just pass by the rest of the day. In my mind, I was determined to die on that day. So I ended up just looking through the internet and passively living life. I also begin to remember all of the times I've been mocked and dismissed. As well as my emptiness.I saw a documentary about the insurrection and it made me more committed to my death as well based on this remembering that justice and mercy does not exist. And that the strong and ruthless survive. So I went upstairs. Did the same process. Tightened the knot and pushed down partial hanging. My arms flail around again. Then I let myself out because of SL. I reorganized , lowered the blanket and tried again. Using my memories of shame as a motivator. So I jumped out the chair and kneeled. I became lightheaded, i felt myself steadily going out of consciousness. My arms, then legs flailed around. Then as I struggled to keep the knot on me as my SL begged me to let go. This went on for several minutes before I fell to the ground with the knot let go of me. I fell asleep out of exhaustion with a small headache at the front left side if my brain.
Third Day.
I was on Academic Probation because I didn't do well on 3 of my 6 classes last semester and was suppose to have a meeting on the 15th by phone call to determine my future schedule with an academic advisor ( this is a requirement if you don't want to get kicked out of University)but my phone broke and became unusable so it took me a while to get it, and by the time I tried to reschedule , they said they are booked until the 28th, even though the deadline is the 28th and if it happens after the 26th, I've been prevented from signing up for classes. Combined that with me remembering my tuition I have to pay for or I will never go to University, so my chances of University was pretty much finished. This is relevant based on these motivations giving me extra motivation to kill myself that night and make sure I succeed. Then before I went upstairs to do the deed, I threw away some leftovers, my father proceeded to yell and criticizes me and call me spoiled, a little extra ammo as I said under my breathe " you don't have to worry about that anymore."
So an hour later after finishing up my letters and voice recording, when everyone was asleep, I repeated the process. The knot was much tighter, so I jumped kneeling and continued to kneel, I felt myself getting lightheaded very quickly, then next thing you know, my arms started flailing around , then my feet, flailing around for a few moments. I let go of the knot but then I forced it to be tied again. I flail around to escape because of my SL while my mind forced me to retie the knot of the bed sheet. The struggle went on for a while. Then my head started shaking along with the rest of my body. Then my SL made me let go of the knot and I forcefully fell to the ground. I laid their shocked and a bit frustrated. I was so exhausted by the experience that I fell asleep on the floor in just a few minutes.
Fourth Day
I woke up, I felt apathy and emptiness. I remember all the bad in my life. And I immediately decided to tie the bed sheet in my neck. I kneel, then my body failed as I forced myself to reknot the bed sheet in my neck , I start to gurgle and chooked, I raised my hand up for help automatically even though I kept pushing the knot further into my neck. Then it loosened. I tried to get up and pull off the floor through the hanging bed sheet, as I did this, I began to flail around uncontrollably even though I didn't have the knot around me. My arms and legs claimed around as I grabbed the bed sheet for a long while before I was able to make it stopped. After another argument with my mother during the afternoon, I decided to try it for the Final Time. And to make sure I succeed. So I did the usual , I jumped ( partial hanging ) I then proceeded to get lightheaded again , I went in and out of near unconsciousness, then my SL kicked in and I started flailing my legs, my arms, I gurgle, choked and struggled as I pushed my neck more down to the pulse. My SL kicked in trying to force the knot out while I forced it back in. I called for help and reached out of my arm. I tightened the knot around my neck and raised it more up, I steadily started gurgling huge swathes of saliva as I started to shake my head uncontrollably. I managed to let even though my mind was ready to die. Then I went to the bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror with frustration and disgust. Then one of my arms started flapping uncontrollably a little bit by the shoulder. I stopped it with one hand , I remove the hand, then it started again. I managed to make it stop. At this point I didn't feel like making any more attempts, then my mind remembers times of dismissal and contempt everyone has given to me my whole life. Then I closed the door and continue my quest to oblivion. So I tightened it further around my neck. After messing with the height for sometime I jumped and kneeled. I pushed it into my pulse. My head got lighter, I started seeing stars, my whole body started to flail around. I gurgle,choked, struggled , forced myself to retire the knot even further. My brain felt like it was going to exploded. Then my SL won and I fell off. I was laying in the floor shocked at everything that's transpired ( in spite of this being my fourth attempt) But then this happened. My head went back and I started making choking noises uncontrollably, heavily breathing. My hand started to flail uncontrollably, then my other hands , then my arms , then my whole body started to flail around on the floor and shake around. I try to grab my pajamas on the floor and put it in my mouth to stop my screaming. I gurgle and spit out large swaths of saliva. This went on for about 30-45 minutes( or at least it felt like a longtime )and then it stopped. I slowly got uo, looked at the wall for a while and decided to make no more attempts at Hanging. Fourth days event happened just 2 hours ago.
I will however try to move out of my parents house as soon as possible. My mom called me downstairs and says that she is going to move my room downstairs since I made too much noise. No concern once what was going on. Even as I was screaming ( well scream choked but you get the picture ) At the very least I'm probably not gonna attempt to hang myself again if I want to ctb
So yeah I'm a coward and a failure. I can't even kill myself properly. I'm such a freaking screw up.
But yeah even though I'm broke all my efforts will be to get away from that freaking house
So here is how the 4 days went.
First day.
On Sunday(on my birthday) my parents who were nicer than usual decided to come home and give me my birthday cake and take me outside for a walk at International Drive( a tourist complex on my state). Before leaving , I practiced my partial hanging through my hand, once I felt that pull, I knew, or at least thought, I got it down.Throughout the whole day, I couldn't help but get teary eyed and begin to reminiscent about my past, good and bad. So after I came back home I wrote my letter( haft finished tbh) went up the stairs after my parents fell asleep, went to the big room upstairs to grab the chair. Took my old bed sheet, put it up the door and closed it. I wrapped it around my next, I kept messing with it for some reason even though the first knot was just right and gripped really good( looking back that was most likely my SL trying to give me an out to survive) so then after a few messing around the knot, I tightened it up my neck and I jumped off the chair, I quickly fell off the knot. Which made me realize I was gonna have to use another method of hanging since it doesn't seem to hold my weight properly. So I jumped a second time kneeling. Then I continue to kneel as the grip tightens. Then my arms started to fail around randomly without my control, that scared me so much that I quickly let go, fall down the ground, stared at the wall for about 30 minutes in shock, then I fell asleep.
Second Day.
So I woke up , forced myself to eat breakfast and proceeded to just pass by the rest of the day. In my mind, I was determined to die on that day. So I ended up just looking through the internet and passively living life. I also begin to remember all of the times I've been mocked and dismissed. As well as my emptiness.I saw a documentary about the insurrection and it made me more committed to my death as well based on this remembering that justice and mercy does not exist. And that the strong and ruthless survive. So I went upstairs. Did the same process. Tightened the knot and pushed down partial hanging. My arms flail around again. Then I let myself out because of SL. I reorganized , lowered the blanket and tried again. Using my memories of shame as a motivator. So I jumped out the chair and kneeled. I became lightheaded, i felt myself steadily going out of consciousness. My arms, then legs flailed around. Then as I struggled to keep the knot on me as my SL begged me to let go. This went on for several minutes before I fell to the ground with the knot let go of me. I fell asleep out of exhaustion with a small headache at the front left side if my brain.
Third Day.
I was on Academic Probation because I didn't do well on 3 of my 6 classes last semester and was suppose to have a meeting on the 15th by phone call to determine my future schedule with an academic advisor ( this is a requirement if you don't want to get kicked out of University)but my phone broke and became unusable so it took me a while to get it, and by the time I tried to reschedule , they said they are booked until the 28th, even though the deadline is the 28th and if it happens after the 26th, I've been prevented from signing up for classes. Combined that with me remembering my tuition I have to pay for or I will never go to University, so my chances of University was pretty much finished. This is relevant based on these motivations giving me extra motivation to kill myself that night and make sure I succeed. Then before I went upstairs to do the deed, I threw away some leftovers, my father proceeded to yell and criticizes me and call me spoiled, a little extra ammo as I said under my breathe " you don't have to worry about that anymore."
So an hour later after finishing up my letters and voice recording, when everyone was asleep, I repeated the process. The knot was much tighter, so I jumped kneeling and continued to kneel, I felt myself getting lightheaded very quickly, then next thing you know, my arms started flailing around , then my feet, flailing around for a few moments. I let go of the knot but then I forced it to be tied again. I flail around to escape because of my SL while my mind forced me to retie the knot of the bed sheet. The struggle went on for a while. Then my head started shaking along with the rest of my body. Then my SL made me let go of the knot and I forcefully fell to the ground. I laid their shocked and a bit frustrated. I was so exhausted by the experience that I fell asleep on the floor in just a few minutes.
Fourth Day
I woke up, I felt apathy and emptiness. I remember all the bad in my life. And I immediately decided to tie the bed sheet in my neck. I kneel, then my body failed as I forced myself to reknot the bed sheet in my neck , I start to gurgle and chooked, I raised my hand up for help automatically even though I kept pushing the knot further into my neck. Then it loosened. I tried to get up and pull off the floor through the hanging bed sheet, as I did this, I began to flail around uncontrollably even though I didn't have the knot around me. My arms and legs claimed around as I grabbed the bed sheet for a long while before I was able to make it stopped. After another argument with my mother during the afternoon, I decided to try it for the Final Time. And to make sure I succeed. So I did the usual , I jumped ( partial hanging ) I then proceeded to get lightheaded again , I went in and out of near unconsciousness, then my SL kicked in and I started flailing my legs, my arms, I gurgle, choked and struggled as I pushed my neck more down to the pulse. My SL kicked in trying to force the knot out while I forced it back in. I called for help and reached out of my arm. I tightened the knot around my neck and raised it more up, I steadily started gurgling huge swathes of saliva as I started to shake my head uncontrollably. I managed to let even though my mind was ready to die. Then I went to the bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror with frustration and disgust. Then one of my arms started flapping uncontrollably a little bit by the shoulder. I stopped it with one hand , I remove the hand, then it started again. I managed to make it stop. At this point I didn't feel like making any more attempts, then my mind remembers times of dismissal and contempt everyone has given to me my whole life. Then I closed the door and continue my quest to oblivion. So I tightened it further around my neck. After messing with the height for sometime I jumped and kneeled. I pushed it into my pulse. My head got lighter, I started seeing stars, my whole body started to flail around. I gurgle,choked, struggled , forced myself to retire the knot even further. My brain felt like it was going to exploded. Then my SL won and I fell off. I was laying in the floor shocked at everything that's transpired ( in spite of this being my fourth attempt) But then this happened. My head went back and I started making choking noises uncontrollably, heavily breathing. My hand started to flail uncontrollably, then my other hands , then my arms , then my whole body started to flail around on the floor and shake around. I try to grab my pajamas on the floor and put it in my mouth to stop my screaming. I gurgle and spit out large swaths of saliva. This went on for about 30-45 minutes( or at least it felt like a longtime )and then it stopped. I slowly got uo, looked at the wall for a while and decided to make no more attempts at Hanging. Fourth days event happened just 2 hours ago.
I will however try to move out of my parents house as soon as possible. My mom called me downstairs and says that she is going to move my room downstairs since I made too much noise. No concern once what was going on. Even as I was screaming ( well scream choked but you get the picture ) At the very least I'm probably not gonna attempt to hang myself again if I want to ctb
So yeah I'm a coward and a failure. I can't even kill myself properly. I'm such a freaking screw up.
But yeah even though I'm broke all my efforts will be to get away from that freaking house
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