Venting i’ve never felt so stuck and lonely never ever in my life (exhaustive vent, sorry)

[dinosavr]

2 weeks ago I was stupid enough to call a helpline and on top of that, to be honest with them, goddd I'm really so fucking angry with myself, why on earth would i do that??? The consultant called the cops blah blah blah long story short I talked to a doctor in a psych ward and at least there I had the guts to lie to her, so she let me go home. And since then it got better, my friends who I live with, now that they know about my suicidality, are taking good care of me, etc. I feel quite stable, I don't think I'm in danger, I'm currently not actively suicidal. Buuuuut I wish I was, because of my yesterday's appointment with my psychiatrist. She really insisted that I go there, for two reasons. First, she mentioned she's considering diagnosing me with quiet borderline personality, cause for her it seems that my suicidal crisis has to do more with my personality disorders, not directly with my depression and this means I might be too unstable to presume that I'm safe. The other reason is it was my 12th appointment with her and each month something changed and we were constantly trying to adjust correct dosage and meds. For a whole year, I haven't left her office with the same prescription. She said she obviously can keep on trying but it takes way more time than it would take in a hospital. My mood just doesn't seem to depend on the medication and on my life circumstances. So even though I hate it, it's hard not to agree with her.
I can see my roommates and my sister being overwhelmed by my situation, I've noticed they are probably more concerned than I am. They didn't really know before that I was suicidal. And I don't want to become a burden for anybody. They want me to seek help and try everything the doctors advise me to do.
But I'm genuinely scared!! The hospital in my city is crazy, there are many stories of people who left it and felt even worse than before. 2 months ago they didn't admit a woman after an attempt even though she was clearly still suicidal. They made her sign a statement that she's fine and she had to leave. Later that day they were saving her after she jumped in a river. For fucks sake I know psychiatric hospitals aren't all bad but I don't think they would be able to heal me. I really don't want to go there, sleep with random people in the room, meeting new people, having to be weighed every day, poop with a nurse in the bathroom, etc. I'm for a week at my sister's house and I already feel awful, I miss my bed, I miss my cups, my pillows, my clothes. How am I supposed to make it through god knows how long in an obscure coo-coo's-nest-like place.

So, to sum it all up:
-I don't want to go, because I feel too weak to handle it
-I don't want to stay, because I don't want to be somebody's burden (+ my psychiatrist probably would be mad)
-I DO want to die but both of above reasons apply here - I don't want to cause problems + I'm too weak to do it now. I've missed my chances. Now it's impossible because everyone is constantly checking on me.

I'm so tired, I feel completely stuck. There are so many emotions in me and I don't even get to express them in any way. Please somebody kill me, I don't know how much more I can take. I just want to finally get some rest :(

 

[meltskelt]

2 weeks ago I was stupid enough to call a helpline and on top of that, to be honest with them, goddd I'm really so fucking angry with myself, why on earth would i do that??? The consultant called the cops blah blah blah long story short I talked to a doctor in a psych ward and at least there I had the guts to lie to her, so she let me go home. And since then it got better, my friends who I live with, now that they know about my suicidality, are taking good care of me, etc. I feel quite stable, I don't think I'm in danger, I'm currently not actively suicidal. Buuuuut I wish I was, because of my yesterday's appointment with my psychiatrist. She really insisted that I go there, for two reasons. First, she mentioned she's considering diagnosing me with quiet borderline personality, cause for her it seems that my suicidal crisis has to do more with my personality disorders, not directly with my depression and this means I might be too unstable to presume that I'm safe. The other reason is it was my 12th appointment with her and each month something changed and we were constantly trying to adjust correct dosage and meds. For a whole year, I haven't left her office with the same prescription. She said she obviously can keep on trying but it takes way more time than it would take in a hospital. My mood just doesn't seem to depend on the medication and on my life circumstances. So even though I hate it, it's hard not to agree with her.
I can see my roommates and my sister being overwhelmed by my situation, I've noticed they are probably more concerned than I am. They didn't really know before that I was suicidal. And I don't want to become a burden for anybody. They want me to seek help and try everything the doctors advise me to do.
But I'm genuinely scared!! The hospital in my city is crazy, there are many stories of people who left it and felt even worse than before. 2 months ago they didn't admit a woman after an attempt even though she was clearly still suicidal. They made her sign a statement that she's fine and she had to leave. Later that day they were saving her after she jumped in a river. For fucks sake I know psychiatric hospitals aren't all bad but I don't think they would be able to heal me. I really don't want to go there, sleep with random people in the room, meeting new people, having to be weighed every day, poop with a nurse in the bathroom, etc. I'm for a week at my sister's house and I already feel awful, I miss my bed, I miss my cups, my pillows, my clothes. How am I supposed to make it through god knows how long in an obscure coo-coo's-nest-like place.

So, to sum it all up:
-I don't want to go, because I feel too weak to handle it
-I don't want to stay, because I don't want to be somebody's burden (+ my psychiatrist probably would be mad)
-I DO want to die but both of above reasons apply here - I don't want to cause problems + I'm too weak to do it now. I've missed my chances. Now it's impossible because everyone is constantly checking on me.

I'm so tired, I feel completely stuck. There are so many emotions in me and I don't even get to express them in any way. Please somebody kill me, I don't know how much more I can take. I just want to finally get some rest :(

I don't really know what to say now that could help you, but something I think is that medication itself won't be of any help if you don't heal your mind before. The idea of being a burden is very complicated because even if your friends or sister say to you that they want to be there with you and all, it is still you who will keep feeling shitty. Well, it might be good to take some time for yourself and just understand what is happening and what your future will be ( or just might be, actually), there are so many thing at once that it can be too much to process. To die is the solution I would probably take, but yeah it does take a lot to ctb, so 1- take a time for yourself and analyse the possibilities you have 2- Have a conversation with your sister or someone you trust and tell them that going to the pyschiatric probably won't be exactly a helthy option.

Sorry if it didn't help in the end

 

[dinosavr]

I don't really know what to say now that could help you, but something I think is that medication itself won't be of any help if you don't heal your mind before. The idea of being a burden is very complicated because even if your friends or sister say to you that they want to be there with you and all, it is still you who will keep feeling shitty. Well, it might be good to take some time for yourself and just understand what is happening and what your future will be ( or just might be, actually), there are so many thing at once that it can be too much to process. To die is the solution I would probably take, but yeah it does take a lot to ctb, so 1- take a time for yourself and analyse the possibilities you have 2- Have a conversation with your sister or someone you trust and tell them that going to the pyschiatric probably won't be exactly a helthy option.

Sorry if it didn't help in the end

Thank you a lot for trying to help! I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, eventually I've spent tonight by myself and I've realized that there isn't one single positive thought in my mind that I would be able to notice and hold on to it.
Just in case everyone is right, I'm still trying, but myself, for now, I don't want to heal. I don't want a happy life. Don't think anything would be better. I just want no life.

Also, please don't be sorry! After all, that's just a vent, no responses necessary. But thank you again :)