dinosavr
and if i’m turning blue please don’t save me 🌛
- Dec 14, 2023
- 642
2 weeks ago I was stupid enough to call a helpline and on top of that, to be honest with them, goddd I'm really so fucking angry with myself, why on earth would i do that??? The consultant called the cops blah blah blah long story short I talked to a doctor in a psych ward and at least there I had the guts to lie to her, so she let me go home. And since then it got better, my friends who I live with, now that they know about my suicidality, are taking good care of me, etc. I feel quite stable, I don't think I'm in danger, I'm currently not actively suicidal. Buuuuut I wish I was, because of my yesterday's appointment with my psychiatrist. She really insisted that I go there, for two reasons. First, she mentioned she's considering diagnosing me with quiet borderline personality, cause for her it seems that my suicidal crisis has to do more with my personality disorders, not directly with my depression and this means I might be too unstable to presume that I'm safe. The other reason is it was my 12th appointment with her and each month something changed and we were constantly trying to adjust correct dosage and meds. For a whole year, I haven't left her office with the same prescription. She said she obviously can keep on trying but it takes way more time than it would take in a hospital. My mood just doesn't seem to depend on the medication and on my life circumstances. So even though I hate it, it's hard not to agree with her.
I can see my roommates and my sister being overwhelmed by my situation, I've noticed they are probably more concerned than I am. They didn't really know before that I was suicidal. And I don't want to become a burden for anybody. They want me to seek help and try everything the doctors advise me to do.
But I'm genuinely scared!! The hospital in my city is crazy, there are many stories of people who left it and felt even worse than before. 2 months ago they didn't admit a woman after an attempt even though she was clearly still suicidal. They made her sign a statement that she's fine and she had to leave. Later that day they were saving her after she jumped in a river. For fucks sake I know psychiatric hospitals aren't all bad but I don't think they would be able to heal me. I really don't want to go there, sleep with random people in the room, meeting new people, having to be weighed every day, poop with a nurse in the bathroom, etc. I'm for a week at my sister's house and I already feel awful, I miss my bed, I miss my cups, my pillows, my clothes. How am I supposed to make it through god knows how long in an obscure coo-coo's-nest-like place.
So, to sum it all up:
-I don't want to go, because I feel too weak to handle it
-I don't want to stay, because I don't want to be somebody's burden (+ my psychiatrist probably would be mad)
-I DO want to die but both of above reasons apply here - I don't want to cause problems + I'm too weak to do it now. I've missed my chances. Now it's impossible because everyone is constantly checking on me.
I'm so tired, I feel completely stuck. There are so many emotions in me and I don't even get to express them in any way. Please somebody kill me, I don't know how much more I can take. I just want to finally get some rest :(
I can see my roommates and my sister being overwhelmed by my situation, I've noticed they are probably more concerned than I am. They didn't really know before that I was suicidal. And I don't want to become a burden for anybody. They want me to seek help and try everything the doctors advise me to do.
But I'm genuinely scared!! The hospital in my city is crazy, there are many stories of people who left it and felt even worse than before. 2 months ago they didn't admit a woman after an attempt even though she was clearly still suicidal. They made her sign a statement that she's fine and she had to leave. Later that day they were saving her after she jumped in a river. For fucks sake I know psychiatric hospitals aren't all bad but I don't think they would be able to heal me. I really don't want to go there, sleep with random people in the room, meeting new people, having to be weighed every day, poop with a nurse in the bathroom, etc. I'm for a week at my sister's house and I already feel awful, I miss my bed, I miss my cups, my pillows, my clothes. How am I supposed to make it through god knows how long in an obscure coo-coo's-nest-like place.
So, to sum it all up:
-I don't want to go, because I feel too weak to handle it
-I don't want to stay, because I don't want to be somebody's burden (+ my psychiatrist probably would be mad)
-I DO want to die but both of above reasons apply here - I don't want to cause problems + I'm too weak to do it now. I've missed my chances. Now it's impossible because everyone is constantly checking on me.
I'm so tired, I feel completely stuck. There are so many emotions in me and I don't even get to express them in any way. Please somebody kill me, I don't know how much more I can take. I just want to finally get some rest :(
