I've never felt lonelier in my life

[volnaya_pesnya]

I haven't had a meaningful conversation with a person my age in over a year. I'm a university student that still lives at home; besides my mother and coworkers (even then conversations are only work-related) I have not engaged in literally any conversation whatsoever with another person since before this year. I desperately crave any form of connection with another person but am absolutely convinced that nobody would want to interact with somebody as disgusting and undesirable as myself. As a coping mechanism I've become externally unapproachable, preferring to avoid people entirely to avoid any chance of being rejected. Logically I understand this will only solidify my isolation from other people long-term, but I'm so honestly convinced that I'm unneeded and undesirable that I don't see any way out of this right now. Beyond that, I've done several things in my past I'd rather not discuss that I'm extremely ashamed of. Resulting from this, I feel that if anybody even got past my basically unapproachable exterior, if they ever got to truly know me for who I am, they'd be utterly disgusted. I wouldn't even blame them for that, frankly I'd probably have a similar reaction in their position. I really don't know where to go from here, I feel like I'm getting more disconnected from the outside world every day and I don't like it at all.

 

[MidnightDream]

Please feel free to message me anytime, I'm not the best conversationalist (autistic and a bit awkward) but dms are always open

 

[Rocinante]

I haven't had a meaningful conversation with a person my age in over a year. I'm a university student that still lives at home; besides my mother and coworkers (even then conversations are only work-related) I have not engaged in literally any conversation whatsoever with another person since before this year.

Does it have to be in person interaction or would any form of communication suffice? If the latter you can find many here, and on other forums to talk to. I find it easiest to talk to people from places that have a similar niche interest as a starter.

I desperately crave any form of connection with another person but am absolutely convinced that nobody would want to interact with somebody as disgusting and undesirable as myself.

Hi

As a coping mechanism I've become externally unapproachable, preferring to avoid people entirely to avoid any chance of being rejected. Logically I understand this will only solidify my isolation from other people long-term, but I'm so honestly convinced that I'm unneeded and undesirable that I don't see any way out of this right now. Beyond that, I've done several things in my past I'd rather not discuss that I'm extremely ashamed of. Resulting from this, I feel that if anybody even got past my basically unapproachable exterior, if they ever got to truly know me for who I am, they'd be utterly disgusted. I wouldn't even blame them for that, frankly I'd probably have a similar reaction in their position. I really don't know where to go from here, I feel like I'm getting more disconnected from the outside world every day and I don't like it at all.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate a lot, unfortunately I don't have any advice.

 

[Zegers]

I have 3 friends but i usually only have conversations with one of them eventually, i also feel lonely but id say that friends are not my main problem.

 

[gentleflower]

I hear you. I did have the same problem while I still lived with my parents during university time. I failed to find any connections to the people who studied with me as I did not live on campus. I moved away for my first job and was convinced I would never connect to anyone. The first few months were brutal and I was extremely timid. But I indeed did manage to find friends among my colleagues at the time. There was one friend who I was so close to, that I eventually spoke to her about things going on in my head, SH and, suicidal issues. I was terrified of her judgment. But she didn't judge at all. Unfortunately, I moved away again and lost those friends.
In case you wish to talk through DM, feel free to reach out.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I feel exactly the same, it's unbearable

 

[another@]

I relate to this feeling, but with one addition: ppl call me a drifter.. Hurts but it's true af. Just can't make meaningful connections when I feel manic and despair constantly.

 

[pipapo]

feel u

 

[Gniook]

I feel exactly the same. Going to uni, no friends, no conversations, no job, no life, socially inept ,living with my brother. I dont see how I can possibly fix this situation.
I can see how having a friend in my age group could help me. Too bad I have given up on that completely. The only three people who would say a word to me have either dropped out or switched degrees.

 

[leaf23]

Totally can relate. I was always introverted and the quarantine during the covid pandemic had completely atrophied what little social skills I had before. Partly to rectify this I've started to slowly interact in online forums where I can take an interest in, like in ss or hobby forums. I feel empty, gutted and stressed just thinking what to say, how others will take my words, so I start out small, like in the games section of this site. I figured this could get me used to just interacting socially, no matter how small or superficial, then I could build up to more meaningful conversations once I get comfortable enough to do so. I don't know if this'll help you (or even me hah) or if you'd want to try this.. but just putting this out there. I hope you find peace in whatever path you take.

 

[imcurious]

I feel this way too.

 

[deathbylife]

I desperately crave any form of connection with another person but am absolutely convinced that nobody would want to interact with somebody as disgusting and undesirable as myself. As a coping mechanism I've become externally unapproachable, preferring to avoid people entirely to avoid any chance of being rejected.

Yep. Me too. I'm working on it in therapy, but until I can "sync" my thoughts with my emotions, I'm pretty much incommunicado with everyone. I only talk to the people who won't judge me for any emotional dysregulation, and there are only two of those. Seems everyone else expects perfection or nothing at all.

 

[ever so lonely]

in the same boat as you here op are we in a loneliness epidemic ? sure feels that way

 

[Ineedtodie]

In uni, had a few close friends, a clique. My mental illness started get intense and spreading. They made lot of effort to keep me engaged and surrounded. Mental got to me and I isotated. You now what that leads too. I swear one old friend tried to reach out to me out of no where on my brother 's phone lately, but he dissimissed it fot whaterver raison... Anyhow hard now to really reconnect,I have doubts. I have a irl freind who is very supportive and engaging and we share same the goals and he is been really supportive, so grateful for this and blessed.
I don"t have a lot of friend here. But i do have a dear Dm friend who is very engaging, very smart, and offer advice and suggest solutions , very reactive, funny thing we don't have the same interests. I think it works still, and i'm grateful to have her, she is a blessing.
Honestly not having a support network is a killer.


Good luck to you finding your connections irl or in sasu.
Personaly feel free to say hi.

 

[Ineedtodie]

just insulted all members of my at home, on the phone, made a scene. I left no one without insulting really bad, I had and episode of grievance and anger. Now I' m truely alone, i always felt alone onyway with mental illness. I have a friend I called. He is the only one who understand my situation. I' m waiting right now for him. I just hve a lot of anger and grievance in me and alot of fear underneath. This what happen. where it will lead though, I don't know it was impulsive and without thinking of consequences or any considertion for our family life situation. I send apologies msg bc I regretted what I did. No one replied back so..dk. I' m just hurt, afraid and alone and hate myself.

 

[volnaya_pesnya]

just insulted all members of my at home, on the phone, made a scene. I left no one without insulting really bad, I had and episode of grievance and anger. Now I' m truely alone, i always felt alone onyway with mental illness. I have a friend I called. He is the only one who understand my situation. I' m waiting right now for him. I just hve a lot of anger and grievance in me and alot of fear underneath. This what happen. where it will lead though, I don't know it was impulsive and without thinking of consequences or any considertion for our family life situation. I send apologies msg bc I regretted what I did. No one replied back so..dk. I' m just hurt, afraid and alone and hate myself.

I'm sorry to hear that. If you've known these people for some length of time hopefully they understand that you just had a bad moment and regret saying whatever you said to them. You've even apologized at this point. Unfortunately there's not much you can do after the fact besides apologizing. Whatever happens I'm wishing the best for you, genuinely.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I'm sorry to hear that. If you've known these people for some length of time hopefully they understand that you just had a bad moment and regret saying whatever you said to them. You've even apologized at this point. Unfortunately there's not much you can do after the fact besides apologizing. Whatever happens I'm wishing the best for you, genuinely.

Thank you for your support. Much love and peace.I do believe your hope is genuine. Life happens, and sometime with pace faster than we can handel. I ' m not sure they will understand. There is a wall of mistrust but hopefully maybe. Thank you. People build walls that's how lofe taught them. We are often vulnerable to build heathy walls too. Like I said life happens differently for everyone. We copz differently. Thank you for your faithful msg. It is has a good time when I ' m losin being nd faithand walls is building round me like a somz kind of oddity.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I hear you. I did have the same problem while I still lived with my parents during university time. I failed to find any connections to the people who studied with me as I did not live on campus. I moved away for my first job and was convinced I would never connect to anyone. The first few months were brutal and I was extremely timid. But I indeed did manage to find friends among my colleagues at the time. There was one friend who I was so close to, that I eventually spoke to her about things going on in my head, SH and, suicidal issues. I was terrified of her judgment. But she didn't judge at all. Unfortunately, I moved away again and lost those friends.
In case you wish to talk through DM, feel free to reach out.

That conviction that you will never have friends is brutal since it gives a hige sens of hopelessness and disconnection and also alot mental blockagess. Feeling alienated and misunderstood is a really horrible sens to experience. You must have been brave to hold on for those brutal lonely months in you first job. It was very courageous of to do so. I respect that.
Glad you find solice and support in a friend who get your struggles. Hope you keepsafe that courageand clarity, and connect with more people irl.

 

[kafkasfemcel]

I haven't had a meaningful conversation with a person my age in over a year. I'm a university student that still lives at home; besides my mother and coworkers (even then conversations are only work-related) I have not engaged in literally any conversation whatsoever with another person since before this year. I desperately crave any form of connection with another person but am absolutely convinced that nobody would want to interact with somebody as disgusting and undesirable as myself. As a coping mechanism I've become externally unapproachable, preferring to avoid people entirely to avoid any chance of being rejected. Logically I understand this will only solidify my isolation from other people long-term, but I'm so honestly convinced that I'm unneeded and undesirable that I don't see any way out of this right now. Beyond that, I've done several things in my past I'd rather not discuss that I'm extremely ashamed of. Resulting from this, I feel that if anybody even got past my basically unapproachable exterior, if they ever got to truly know me for who I am, they'd be utterly disgusted. I wouldn't even blame them for that, frankly I'd probably have a similar reaction in their position. I really don't know where to go from here, I feel like I'm getting more disconnected from the outside world every day and I don't like it at all.

i'm in university too, i understand this feeling. is it that you feel disgusted about your appearance or is it yourself as a person? (i hope that makes sense)

my dms are open if you want to talk, there's no pressure to talk & you can end the convo at anytime. i hope you feel comfort soon