Hey, I've been lurking on this forum for a few months. I decided to make an account to respond to this, cause reading this really affected me.
I want you to know what happened to you isn't your fault. You talk about being groomed by your uncle as if that makes it somehow less bad than other abuse or makes it your fault or something, but that's absolutely not the case. You were manipulated and exploited by someone you had every reason to trust. That's one of the most horrible things that can happen to a person. It absolutely makes sense for you to be struggling so much.
A lot of survivors of abuse tend to blame themselves for what happened. I think it's a way for you to feel like you have control over you life. In that sense, it's understandable. Your mind is desperately trying to make sense of something that was senselessly horrible. But it isn't your fault. You were manipulated by someone who spent their whole life learning how to exploit others. None of that is your fault.
You found the courage to speak up about what your uncle did, and because of you, he went to jail. That right there proves you're a really brave person. You may well have prevented him from hurting other people, and that makes what you did an incredibly noble act. Far from ruining lives, you may well have saved lives. You deserve so much respect for that.
The fact that you're concerned about annoying or upsetting people here tells me you are a kind and caring person. Even when you're going through hell yourself, you still have the ability to consider the needs of others. That's such an incredible strength to have, and you should be proud of yourself for that.
That said, you should also take care of yourself. Don't worry about upsetting people here; you have the right to ask for help, and you deserve support. You absolutely did the right thing by reaching out, though there may be people better able to support you than us here.
You say you've made mistakes, but so has anyone, and you've had to deal with pain and hardship far beyond what most people experience. Of course you're struggling. Anyone would.
You talk about being promiscuous, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You have the right to express your sexuality as you see fit. Your promiscuity seems like a habit you should change because it seems to be hurting you, but it doesn't make you any less good or valid of a person, and people don't have the right to judge you for it. I won't think less of you for it.
It also needs to be said that it's entirely natural for someone who is hurting like you are to try to find love and affection any way you can. If the men you offer yourself to don't care for you or only exploit you, that's a reflection on them, not you. Even if you are putting yourself in a position to be exploited, the blame still lies on the exploiter. A decent person will see that you're hurting and not try to take advantage of you.
Similarly, your drinking isn't a sign that you're a failure. It's definitely a bad habit that you should change because it's going to damage you, but it doesn't make you a bad person. You're hurting, and you're looking to escape the pain any way you can. That's only natural. You just need to find a healthier way to cope with the pain -- for your own sake because you are worth it, not because of what others think of you.
I'm sorry that your family has blamed you for your struggles, but you don't deserve that. Your family are just people like anyone else, and they can make mistakes. They don't get to decide whether or not you are a valid person.
I know it feels hopeless right now, but I really believe things can get better for you. I've known other people who suffered in ways similar to you, and they were able to build happy and healthy lives. It wasn't easy, and it didn't happen overnight, but they managed it, and I think you can, too. You've already shown that you are so very brave and so very strong, even if you don't feel strong right now.
What happened to you doesn't define you. It's part of who you are, but it's just a part. You are so much more than your pain. Sooner or later you'll find people who can see the whole you and not just your scars, and they're going to love you more than any words could ever express. I've seen it happen to other people in your situation, and it can happen for you, too.
Have you tried dialectical behaviour therapy? It can be hard to find a group, but I think it would really help you make healthier choices. If you haven't already, you should also look into a therapist who has specific training with trauma-informed therapy. I've heard it can really help.
There's not gonna be any magic bullet, but things can get better eventually. For now, I just want you to know you deserve to get better. I know it's hard to take the word of a stranger on the internet, but try to believe it. I know you deserve to live. More than that, you deserve to thrive.
